There are always articles and blogs and posts about how people on the right side of the slash should be practicing transparency.
I believe that it is a very worthy goal to communicate the truth of our souls to another person or persons. We want the people with whom we are connected to have the deepest and most intimate bonds we can create.
We are terrified of people seeing our true selves and all the ugliness we are worried we have within us. We believe if they could see everything, they would be ashamed, repelled. They would leave us. And what this means to the lizard brain is what it meant back in ancient history; if we are cast out of the village, we will be alone in the forest and eventually be eaten by wolves. To our our ancient mind, rejection equals death.
When we begin to unfold our selves, we feel incredibly vulnerable. We do not know that we are safe. And sometimes, we aren't. But when we are able to open and not be hurt, we then are able to open more. It is a process of knowing someone...
Where I think we may get into trouble in the lifestyle is the the notion that it is only the business/work of the submissive or slave to work on their transparency. There are journaling activities, verbalizing practices, support networks, and so on, all targeted at getting the "s" types to open up and share everything with their partner(s).
But what about the other side of the slash?
I find that sometimes, Dominants and Masters don't always think that it's necessary to share with such openness. That it's ok to hide themselves from their partners for the sake of increasing the dynamic. The thinking goes that if my submissive or slave knows all of me or my mind/goals/plans, that they will be in a power position instead of me. The left side of the slash is maintaining their power by withholding knowledge. And as we know, knowledge is power.
This sort of secrecy works out to act as a blind to hide behind when a lower case letter asks about whether or not the upper case types were aware of something or had plans to do something. The upper case can then lie and say "Oh, yes, of course I knew that" or "I already had that planned, and you are trying to ruin the surprise/top from the bottom/be impatient." They get to appear smarter or better prepared because their counterparts are not let in to know their minds.
It is not always the case that Dominants are using non-transparency to hide lacking they might feel or to try to increase their power through opacity. Sometimes they are just not in the emotional habit of being vulnerable. Sometimes they have become a capital letter just so they don't ever have to feel out of control or emotionally vulnerable. A hint: it never works out that way, but most people don't listen to that hint...
I can tell you what the worst thing about working on transparency and openness is from my point of view. If I am trying to share my deepest self, and I send that out to another person and it is met with... a stone wall... I feel terribly alone. Or when I share my fear or joy and all I get back is, "Good girl. Thanks for sharing..."
There is nothing that makes you feel more alone in a "relationship" than placing all of yourself in someone's hands and being in receipt of nothing of themselves in return.
Some argue that the Dominant will know you and make decisions in your best interest and you don't really need to see them in the same amount of clarity. You just need to develop trust of their decisions and you will be fine.
But I always wonder who it is that I am putting my trust into? What are their fears? What are their joys? What are their hopes and dreams? Am I expected to wait until they give me an order and I will just do it and nothing further?
Maybe this means I am not good at being a lower case. But no matter what side of the equation I am on, I want to know the mind of the person I am serving or who is serving me. I want to be able to know how I can make their life better in ways that will matter deeply to them. I want to be able to offer them alternatives if I cannot give them directly what they need (and vice versa). I want to increase their joy. And if I cannot help them, I need to experience sorrow with them for the perceived lack.
And on a purely practical note, how will a submissive or slave know that their Dominant/Master has ethics and morals (or hell, even kinks) that align with theirs if they don't know who this person is on the deepest level?
How can you have true consent if you don't know what you are consenting to? How can you know you really want A SPECIFIC PERSON to serve or be served by you if you don't know who they are? Why would you want to give power to an unknown quantity? Do you let some person off the street hold a knife to your throat?
If all you want is your coffee given to you, then all you need to share is how you like your coffee.
But if you want to know the entire mind and soul of a person, then I'm afraid you need to be willing to give that in return.
Maybe what you want "ain't that deep."
But that doesn't work for me. I like getting deep. It's messy. It's scary. I get hurt and I hurt. I recoil and close, and then push myself to open back up. I ebb and I flow...
But without that vulnerability, without that openness and sharing, I can never have the kind of relationships I want. So I keep practicing transparency.
It is my work to be willing and able to be transparent, no matter what side of the slash I inhabit. It's hard. I admit, I'm not the best at it. But I assume I will get better, as will my counterparts. And one of these days, we will truly see each other.
And no one will be cast out of the village and be eaten by wolves:)
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