I think there is a certain delusion about what happens when you put yourself out into the world as a Dominant. No matter who tells you how much hard work it is to be a Dominant or a Master, you really don’t believe them fully. And even if you know logically that it is, or you’ve trained under great Masters, you still hold firmly onto the belief that it won’t be that difficult for you to become a Dominant. After all, you practiced your “hard skills” of flogging and spanking until you were flawless, didn’t you? But perhaps the level or type of hard work that’s necessary may not be the kind you thought it was…
I’m going to tell you that the things that I have struggled with the most as I’ve worked on my personal mastery are as follows:
1. Getting rid of my Ego,
2. Learning to take feedback and criticism without shutting down, and
3. Developing a willingness to make myself and my life not just workable but outstanding.
But how does this relate specifically to becoming a Dominant? Isn’t this all just about beating someone or getting to tell them what to do? Sort of… but that’s just the tip of the iceberg if you want to have real relationships with real people.
I think that the delusion of “easy dominance” persists because we see a lot of people who call themselves Dominants who don’t particularly inspire awe. We begin to think, “Well, if Sir-so-and-so can do it, why can’t I?” Sometimes this is because we see Dominants who don’t even look as though they have their own lives together, let alone being able to whip someone else’s life into shape. We judge (fairly or unfairly) their ability to lead by outer markers. They are out of shape, their cars are falling apart, and they don’t have two cents to rub together. If a crisis was happening, they would be the last person you might think could help you. They may be brilliant and kind and compassionate, but they are failing in the other life-skills.
I have also seen some Dominants who are stellar at getting other people’s worlds working who upon further scrutiny are hopeless at getting their own put together or who sacrifice their own good consistently for the good of those who serve them or for their community (and don’t require reciprocity or are not willing to receive help when it is offered). While this is great for the submissive/slave/community for a while, this is not so great for the prosperity, longevity, and success of the Dominant (and in the long run, not a great deal to those in a relationship as they lose out on what a fully actualized and well cared for Dominant might have given them).
When I first started my journey toward mastery, I knew I was fairly smart, kind, and had good communications skills. But I didn’t realize how much all of these would be tested. And I also didn’t realize that even though I might whine that it isn’t fair to be judged by the outer success of my life, that in the end, it was a valid critique.
I had to put down my Ego for a moment and really listen to what people said in feedback. I am not perfect. But a slave would need to be able to trust me. And not just emotionally. They would also need to trust that if they put their economic world in my hands, that I would be a good steward of those resources. And how could I get them to trust me when it was obvious I didn’t have my own financial world in order? I could say “trust me,” but how reasonable is it for me to expect them to do that? If a financial advisor said this to you, you would proceed with caution and you’d expect to see a portfolio or some sort of track record. But often when we are asked as Dominants (and as people) to show why we should be trusted, we get mad. Our Ego makes us get up on our hind-legs and makes things come out of our mouths like, “you just must not be a real submissive/slave” or “I told you that you needed to work on your surrender.” And even if we don’t say that, we THINK it…
Because wouldn’t it be easier if the problem was that our submissives or slaves just weren’t doing it right? Wouldn’t it be easier if the burden of proof weren’t necessary? Wouldn’t it be easier if they just gave us a badge that said DOMINANT and all of the perks magically appeared with it?
What I came to realize is that if I want someone who’s exceptional to be in my life, I need to earn that by being exceptional in return. We may not be perfect, but all of us need to really be committed to that push toward being better than we have been in the past. And the true relationship is interdependent, and I am made better by those who serve me, they are made better by my service to them. And the highest service we can do for one another is to see the potential in each other, to grant each other grace for our imperfections, and to lift each other up.
So as a person who aspires to mastery, I need people who can gently (and with great compassion) show me where I am lacking and also show me where I am mighty. And I need to take both of those pieces of information with as little Ego as I can. Because being mighty is not being filled with Ego, nor is having lack a terrible indictment of self. Both are merely informational. If I try to deny either, or let the delusion stand, great harm can occur.
One who does not recognize their might can treat it with disregard and not just fail to do the great things they were capable of doing, but do actual injury. And one who does not recognize (and fix) the lacking will eventually fail when they otherwise might have been victorious.
I hate being wrong. I hate being weak. I hate the things in my life which are obviously a train-wreck. But I have to be strong enough to admit to those things, to be brave enough to let others see those things (when I desperately want to hide them), and I have to have the willingness to work towards changing that which I have power to change. I have to be willing to stand before a submissive/slave and hear what is true without blaming them or trying to defend why things are ok (when they obviously aren’t). And I have to do it all while remaining emotionally open and vulnerable. It’s really hard personal work.
But in the end, I think it’s worth it. Both for myself, my life, and for the lives of those who are involved with me.
And although I’d love to have been handed that Dominant badge without having to work for it, somehow I think I’m happier having had to earn it…
