The word "surrender" is thrown around fairly often in both the BDSM lifestyle and in a number of religious faiths. There are classes you can take in the community on how surrender should look if you're a submissive or slave, and classes you can take from churches on what surrender to the holy spirit should look like.
They often make is seem like it's just something that you do, like taking off a shirt that's been too constricting. You give your personal volition over to a Master (who by definition is not you)and suddenly you are overtaken by a feeling of elation and relief from the weights that burdened you prior to this miraculous occurrence.
The problem is, if one has a well developed (or overly developed) sense of personal will, this can be nearly impossible.
I struggle with the notion of both fronts. Perhaps when I was younger I felt like I could not count on the people who were supposed to be there for me to fulfill my needs. I learned that I had to be responsible for getting what I needed, and later on in life, I learned that I had to know what I needed and be able to communicate that to the people in my life. I had to be my own advocate in my healthcare. I needed to be the driving force behind projects to get things done. I developed a desire to be in charge when I was worried that things wouldn't get done right if I wasn't doing them or in charge of seeing them being done by others.
This actually hasn't worked out too badly, though I have come to realize that my own work always requires the help of other wonderful people to truly be complete.
But when it comes to giving over my needs to someone else, I have a bitch of a time. I have a really difficult time believing that a Master would know what I needed more than I would and then would actually try to make that happen. I don't know that I could just "go along" with some course of action that I really thought was wrong if my Master (after hearing my opinions on the matter) decided to take that course anyway.
On the universal side of things, perhaps it is a little easier for me to contemplate surrender, as I have a much clearer notion of the perfection of the universe. If it's got a plan and causes things to happen, then if I am graceful and loose in the flow of events, I guess I can let go and trust...
And this is the crux of things. Trust. How do we develop enough trust on either side of things to be able to let go and allow the universe to work around and through us, and also, to let another human being have access to all of our most private and vulnerable parts?
There are a couple of ways, I guess. You put small things in the hands of the Other and see how it goes. You have missteps and get hurt, but realize that you are going to be ok and it's a generally safe bet to take another risk in trusting. This is the risk/reward or cost/benefit analysis framework. This is generally how it can work for a potential M/s relationship where people are in a "under consideration" period.
If we expect our significant others to be perfect, we have that illusion shattered when something goes wrong, and we are either able to be ok with their human foibles (and our capacity to be hurt by them and to hurt them in return) or we move on to the next relationship, assuming that it was the other person's shortcomings that caused it and if we find a "perfect" Other it won't happen. But we are all human, and we trip sooner or later.
Or, if we don't chose to expect perfection and do the "relationship hop," we sometimes give up on the notion of finding someone who is that "soft space to fall." We think that perhaps it is just a pretty illusion to be able to trust other humans with our most frail parts, so we decide we will just do without. And that is a loneliness that actually never gets better, it just ebbs and flows in its intensity, depending on how busy we can keep ourselves. I have always believed that there is no such thing as "comfortably numb," no matter how checked out we think we are...
As for the religious side of surrender, I'm not talking about the cultish notion that you should give up your thinking and rational mind and drink the Kool-Aid or give all your belongings to the Church. I'm talking about actually putting your deep faith in not the figure of the Buddha or Christ or Mohammed, but in the universal energy in which they answered to and in which they believed.
There is a notion that there is perfect sense/logic to the actions of that universe, even if we do not see it during the moments in which we are living. Those who question this argue that how could a loving universe allow evil and chaos to occur if there is a notion of perfection.
There is something I have become aware of lately that helps me understand how to answer this argument. In most religious or mythic stories, there was a perfect union that was at some point ripped apart. Some site wages of sin, others a perceived rift with the oneness of the universe. In all cases, the suffering we are experiencing, no matter what the package it comes in, is because we feel our separation from the divine.
I had an understanding that perhaps the general process of universal growth is more to blame for this than what our sin or separation would suggest. What if the way the universe propagates is more like when a fern grows asexually by putting out spores. By this I mean, the universe is a complete whole with no notion of time. In order to grow, it has a sudden and massive diversification and flings smaller parts out into the system. There the individual spore casings must grow and shift, and though some parts may fall prey to wildlife or weather vagaries or some inability to thrive because of internal makeup, they will all eventually become plants themselves.
There is no malice by the universe, it just wants to propagate. It wants to grow and resonate at the highest possible level. In each of the parts of the individual is the "genetic code" of the original "fern." We all know how the whole looks and resonates because we are part of it, connected at the very deepest levels. It is merely an illusion that we are not connected to the very energy that created us in the first place (even if you don't believe in a god figure, this still works within the realm of physics, I believe).
When we have free will, we are able to chose how well we thrive and what effect we have on the other individual parts. We can choose to be an agent of love or an agent of death. And when we (the collective) have achieved a certain level of resonance(oneness), this signals to the whole that we are ready to "procreate" once more.
This world view takes the guilt out of the equation, which is the ego's way of keeping us from understanding the oneness we actually share. We can't be made to feel bad for having done something wrong to deserve the perceived separation because the splinter was not punishment for action but a mere function of reproduction, division, and growth. It is our limited understanding which makes us focus on our being the individual parts as opposed to part of a divine whole.
Now I can hear a number of you saying reign it in, bring it back, get to what this has to do with surrender. I hear you:)
It is not that I am being asked to surrender my mind or my individuality to something... it is that I am a perfect creation as I am if I am accessing my deepest programming and then using my free will to chose to be an agent of love (which is continued growth as opposed to entropy and death). It is in my DNA so to speak, to do exactly what I am meant to do. Surrender to the universe does not ask me to do anything out of line, but it does ask me to have faith and live a more relaxed life.
And the funny thing is, this relaxing and trusting in the universe and my purpose in it has given me more of an ability to surrender to the people in my life. I trust that the universe has brought me in to a position that can result in all of our highest "resonating states." I have a responsibility to keep myself shiny, to show up, and to be of service to the needs of love. But I trust that if I am doing my part, then the universe will do it's part. And if I don't currently understand the why, that it will eventually be made clear to me.
I don't know if this will help anyone thinking about what surrender means in their lives. Perhaps it will just open a lively argument:) All I know is that surrender sounds easy, but it's taken me nearly half a lifetime to get anywhere near to it. And I find some days are easier to relax into than others (and some people are easier to trust than others).
But I think in the end it has a purpose. So I will try and practice love and surrender as much as I am able at whatever point in my growth I am currently.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Too Quiet/Not Quiet Enough
You may have noticed a pause in the blogs being rolled out of late. This is not because I don't have things to say. I'm not often without words to share and stories that need to be born. However, there are some times when I seem to fold into myself and can't seem to bring things forth out of my mind and onto the page.
The last week or so I've been metaphorically "hugging the earth" in my meditations. I've been trying to ground, because there has been a lot of swirly, semi-chaotic seeming energy swirling around. I have also needed to be an emotional ground for people in my life. Two of my friends have recently been diagnosed with cancer (one has breast cancer, the other testicular cancer), I've had friends losing jobs, losing relationships, having to appear in court, and the upheaval of travel to boot.
I've also been doing a lot of personal "soul growth" in the last little bit, which is difficult to express or explain. Some of it has to do with the nature of the universe (which is one of the blogs coming through soon) and some is very personal regarding who I am and what I'm capable of doing (also blog-worthy:)
Suffice to say, this is why a number of the monk types like to have periods in solitude. I don't feel like we have the time any more to create large swaths for regeneration and contemplation. We definitely need to do it, but it seems like we are being asked to learn how to insert small spaces of that feeling in our daily life. While I have been repeating in Mantra that "we meet who we are supposed to meet and we do what we are supposed to do" it is sometimes harder to apply that surety and comfort to our endeavors. But we are also on a time schedule we didn't set and we are needing to hit nodes at a pace that one part of us believes is reasonable and the other part believes to be insane (and too much to expect of us mere mortals).
Some days it's really hard to show up. I understand that I am an energetic conduit, and all I need to do is show up here at the page and type what I know to be true. However, some days I am weak. Some days I am tired. Some days I don't have the personal will to be here for what I know I need to do. Some days I am not as aware of my connection to the universe and I feel lacking and sad. Some days, I am hijacked by fear, and I become speechless.
What finally keeps bringing me back is that I have the feeling that other people out there cannot wait for my leisure to hear my words. They need them NOW. And it's not just me. The world cannot wait for you, who are reading this, to bring forth that unique creation of which you are capable. In bringing it forth, you leave an indelible mark upon the world, and your creating sets off ripples in the universe. There are people out there who need your words, art, stories, food, smiles, love (etc.) and they cannot wait. You are serving the highest good/god in yourself by having faith that who you are and what you do is important both to yourself and to others. You are also serving the universe by bringing that to others and touching their lives in a way you may never see or understand.
We are a unique snowflake... and so is everyone else. Every one of us is important and every one of us deserves to be living a life that serves our highest good. It is not selfish to want to be your greatest self, because part of being your greatest self is that you will inspire others to be their greatest self just by your being alive and working toward actualizing your power. You are supposed to be happy. You are supposed to vibrate with joy.
This living on the planet is rough on us. We struggle, we suffer. But we are also here to create joy and to build inside ourselves the "muscle," the fortitude to come back to our work and life when things are difficult. Handling daily life with grace is wonderful, but grace under pressure is an even more amazing thing to witness...
So in the next few days, expect to see new blogs. I will work toward getting my ass in the chair and my fingers on the keyboard. And hopefully you out there reading this will decide to struggle and emerge victorious in your daily struggles and step forward to share your unique gifts with the world.
I may sound like a Hallmark commercial right now. To put it more plainly, I'm sorry life sucks so much, but there is beauty here and at least we are going through the growing pains together.
If nothing else, at least we know we're not alone.
The last week or so I've been metaphorically "hugging the earth" in my meditations. I've been trying to ground, because there has been a lot of swirly, semi-chaotic seeming energy swirling around. I have also needed to be an emotional ground for people in my life. Two of my friends have recently been diagnosed with cancer (one has breast cancer, the other testicular cancer), I've had friends losing jobs, losing relationships, having to appear in court, and the upheaval of travel to boot.
I've also been doing a lot of personal "soul growth" in the last little bit, which is difficult to express or explain. Some of it has to do with the nature of the universe (which is one of the blogs coming through soon) and some is very personal regarding who I am and what I'm capable of doing (also blog-worthy:)
Suffice to say, this is why a number of the monk types like to have periods in solitude. I don't feel like we have the time any more to create large swaths for regeneration and contemplation. We definitely need to do it, but it seems like we are being asked to learn how to insert small spaces of that feeling in our daily life. While I have been repeating in Mantra that "we meet who we are supposed to meet and we do what we are supposed to do" it is sometimes harder to apply that surety and comfort to our endeavors. But we are also on a time schedule we didn't set and we are needing to hit nodes at a pace that one part of us believes is reasonable and the other part believes to be insane (and too much to expect of us mere mortals).
Some days it's really hard to show up. I understand that I am an energetic conduit, and all I need to do is show up here at the page and type what I know to be true. However, some days I am weak. Some days I am tired. Some days I don't have the personal will to be here for what I know I need to do. Some days I am not as aware of my connection to the universe and I feel lacking and sad. Some days, I am hijacked by fear, and I become speechless.
What finally keeps bringing me back is that I have the feeling that other people out there cannot wait for my leisure to hear my words. They need them NOW. And it's not just me. The world cannot wait for you, who are reading this, to bring forth that unique creation of which you are capable. In bringing it forth, you leave an indelible mark upon the world, and your creating sets off ripples in the universe. There are people out there who need your words, art, stories, food, smiles, love (etc.) and they cannot wait. You are serving the highest good/god in yourself by having faith that who you are and what you do is important both to yourself and to others. You are also serving the universe by bringing that to others and touching their lives in a way you may never see or understand.
We are a unique snowflake... and so is everyone else. Every one of us is important and every one of us deserves to be living a life that serves our highest good. It is not selfish to want to be your greatest self, because part of being your greatest self is that you will inspire others to be their greatest self just by your being alive and working toward actualizing your power. You are supposed to be happy. You are supposed to vibrate with joy.
This living on the planet is rough on us. We struggle, we suffer. But we are also here to create joy and to build inside ourselves the "muscle," the fortitude to come back to our work and life when things are difficult. Handling daily life with grace is wonderful, but grace under pressure is an even more amazing thing to witness...
So in the next few days, expect to see new blogs. I will work toward getting my ass in the chair and my fingers on the keyboard. And hopefully you out there reading this will decide to struggle and emerge victorious in your daily struggles and step forward to share your unique gifts with the world.
I may sound like a Hallmark commercial right now. To put it more plainly, I'm sorry life sucks so much, but there is beauty here and at least we are going through the growing pains together.
If nothing else, at least we know we're not alone.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Zombie 5k and the Fat Geek
So as many of you know, there is a group of us that are looking at doing the Run for your Lives 5k (http://runforyourlives.com/), which is an obstacle course seeded with fast and slow zombies. The fact that a lot of us are geeks has something to do with this, but we are also a group of people who want to be in better shape and needed something more inspiring than a finish line.
The problem is, geeks get a lot of press for being really out of shape people. Man or woman, you are either the lard-ass or the 90 pound weakling. You've all seen the pictures of the Batman whose utility belt could double as Andre the Giant's repelling harness or the Wonderwoman with the double-decker muffin top. But most of us who have actually seen these people at Comic-con understand they are just having the same type of fun dressing up as their more svelte counterparts, so we have compassion for them. We know they are our brothers and sisters (or they are us, in some cases).
We know the stereotypical geeks that don't shower or exercise, spend all their time in their mother's basement "downloading pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar," and never communicate with real people unless it's their friends on WoW. But there are many more of us who are leading mostly normal lives as adults who manage to have social lives and bathe regularly.
However, for a number of reasons, the stereotype about the physical fitness levels of geeks may not be as overblown as the other characterizations of geekdom. This may be because we are extra cerebral and not as focused on the physical. It may be because our hobbies are not generally focused on sports or feats of physical prowess. But we have plenty of "role models" in the form of television, movie, and comic book heroes. Almost all of these people are powerful and in-shape individuals. So why is it that we don't adopt the idea that we could physically be like them?
While I was at Comic-con this year, I saw a panel by Grant Morrison and Deepak Chopra called "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Super-heroes" (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6165305576181681554). During this panel, Deepak took us (a room of probably over 500 people) through a guided meditation where we were to access our own core where our superhero self existed. It was a great panel and a very powerful meditation.
Now ask me what my superhero was like? Know what? I don't remember. I was there, I willingly and actively participated in the meditation. I remember I had a superhero... so why can't I remember what that self was now?
I wracked my brain trying to figure out if I was just getting senile or what. Then it hit me. Inside my brain I also have an Arch-villain. And it is that villain who obscures my hero inside. My hero is there, she just can't be seen because of the veils put in place over my inner eye. And the villain is sly. She often doesn't even need to come out in direct opposition to my hero self. All she has to do is make my conscious mind forget that she has that hero inside. It's like a spell or hypnosis.
To keep up the comic analogy, we are living our lives in our "secret identity" and we have been tricked into thinking that is all there is to us. We are ever the Clark Kent without the recollection that we are Superman underneath. We therefore don't think about all of the people who need saving and good deeds that will be left undone if we are never to access our superhero selves. We are smaller. We become one of the powerless.
I will hazard a guess that many of the overweight geeks like me feel their hero self inside them, struggling to get out. I often feel a surge of the awesome power I have at my disposal if I would just come out and claim it. In my mind and meditations, my selves are not fat. They are almost all at a healthy weight and are strong.
I think that many of us are being called to access more of our hero self in the coming year. It's like there is a universal signal pinging out to all of us that works like the Bat signal. Our best selves are needed, not just to rescue our daytime identities, but to help in much more pressing matters. There are others that need to be rescued. Whatever our superpowers, they are ours uniquely, and the Justice League (or X-men, or wherever your team comic aspirations lie) needs us.
And the first step is to realize that we need to be giving ourselves our best. We need healthy minds and bodies and a spirit of service for mankind. We cannot rescue the world if we cannot rescue ourselves first.
We just need to remember that the villain in our head is real and is trying to keep us from being powerful and great. It will even whisper to us that our talents are insignificant or that it is hubris to believe in our perfection. But that is a lie, meant solely to keep us from our birthright.
It's hard. I am not necessarily looking forward to the pain that training for the Zombie 5k will bring. This is the point in movies that they generally blaze over with a montage. But we can't skip it. Our training is a prerequisite for us to be able to win the day. If I showed up for a regular 5k right now I could walk it, sure. I wouldn't be able to run it. And I most certainly wouldn't be able to evade the Zombie Horde at this point.
But I aspire to that. I will find a way with my friends to be braver than I am by myself. And together, we will start the painful process of becoming our powerful, superhero selves.
Everyone out there may not be wanting to get buff and be one of the women who run with zombies. But I would hope you can all do something to care for yourself and to encourage your superhero to start emerging. That is all. The Bat signal has been lit... will you be answering?
I hope that we all will be... I think I have an outfit...
The problem is, geeks get a lot of press for being really out of shape people. Man or woman, you are either the lard-ass or the 90 pound weakling. You've all seen the pictures of the Batman whose utility belt could double as Andre the Giant's repelling harness or the Wonderwoman with the double-decker muffin top. But most of us who have actually seen these people at Comic-con understand they are just having the same type of fun dressing up as their more svelte counterparts, so we have compassion for them. We know they are our brothers and sisters (or they are us, in some cases).
We know the stereotypical geeks that don't shower or exercise, spend all their time in their mother's basement "downloading pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar," and never communicate with real people unless it's their friends on WoW. But there are many more of us who are leading mostly normal lives as adults who manage to have social lives and bathe regularly.
However, for a number of reasons, the stereotype about the physical fitness levels of geeks may not be as overblown as the other characterizations of geekdom. This may be because we are extra cerebral and not as focused on the physical. It may be because our hobbies are not generally focused on sports or feats of physical prowess. But we have plenty of "role models" in the form of television, movie, and comic book heroes. Almost all of these people are powerful and in-shape individuals. So why is it that we don't adopt the idea that we could physically be like them?
While I was at Comic-con this year, I saw a panel by Grant Morrison and Deepak Chopra called "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Super-heroes" (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6165305576181681554). During this panel, Deepak took us (a room of probably over 500 people) through a guided meditation where we were to access our own core where our superhero self existed. It was a great panel and a very powerful meditation.
Now ask me what my superhero was like? Know what? I don't remember. I was there, I willingly and actively participated in the meditation. I remember I had a superhero... so why can't I remember what that self was now?
I wracked my brain trying to figure out if I was just getting senile or what. Then it hit me. Inside my brain I also have an Arch-villain. And it is that villain who obscures my hero inside. My hero is there, she just can't be seen because of the veils put in place over my inner eye. And the villain is sly. She often doesn't even need to come out in direct opposition to my hero self. All she has to do is make my conscious mind forget that she has that hero inside. It's like a spell or hypnosis.
To keep up the comic analogy, we are living our lives in our "secret identity" and we have been tricked into thinking that is all there is to us. We are ever the Clark Kent without the recollection that we are Superman underneath. We therefore don't think about all of the people who need saving and good deeds that will be left undone if we are never to access our superhero selves. We are smaller. We become one of the powerless.
I will hazard a guess that many of the overweight geeks like me feel their hero self inside them, struggling to get out. I often feel a surge of the awesome power I have at my disposal if I would just come out and claim it. In my mind and meditations, my selves are not fat. They are almost all at a healthy weight and are strong.
I think that many of us are being called to access more of our hero self in the coming year. It's like there is a universal signal pinging out to all of us that works like the Bat signal. Our best selves are needed, not just to rescue our daytime identities, but to help in much more pressing matters. There are others that need to be rescued. Whatever our superpowers, they are ours uniquely, and the Justice League (or X-men, or wherever your team comic aspirations lie) needs us.
And the first step is to realize that we need to be giving ourselves our best. We need healthy minds and bodies and a spirit of service for mankind. We cannot rescue the world if we cannot rescue ourselves first.
We just need to remember that the villain in our head is real and is trying to keep us from being powerful and great. It will even whisper to us that our talents are insignificant or that it is hubris to believe in our perfection. But that is a lie, meant solely to keep us from our birthright.
It's hard. I am not necessarily looking forward to the pain that training for the Zombie 5k will bring. This is the point in movies that they generally blaze over with a montage. But we can't skip it. Our training is a prerequisite for us to be able to win the day. If I showed up for a regular 5k right now I could walk it, sure. I wouldn't be able to run it. And I most certainly wouldn't be able to evade the Zombie Horde at this point.
But I aspire to that. I will find a way with my friends to be braver than I am by myself. And together, we will start the painful process of becoming our powerful, superhero selves.
Everyone out there may not be wanting to get buff and be one of the women who run with zombies. But I would hope you can all do something to care for yourself and to encourage your superhero to start emerging. That is all. The Bat signal has been lit... will you be answering?
I hope that we all will be... I think I have an outfit...
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
(Almost) Free Sex
Along with money, children, and religion, sex is one of the main reasons for couples breaking up.
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs lists sex along with food, clothing, and shelter as a basic need. Without these basic needs being met, it can be hard for people to reach self-actualization (the apex of the pyramid). Granted, there are always cases where people become their fullest selves amidst poverty, war, strife, and deprivation, but it is usually the exception as opposed to the rule.
Sex becomes a subject we shouldn't talk about as adults but its sublimation ends up getting ugly and twisted in all sorts of venues.
However, it is something most everyone desires. We value physical touch, in many forms, but there is something that the joining of the body with another accomplishes that is an elevation from where we are as humans now to a different state. Or, at least, it can be.
Sex can be a tasty, sweaty workout. It can be fun. It can be naughty. It can be REALLY naughty. But it can also get "disempowered" by a lack of respect from those who engage in it.
I have to admit I have different opinions of sex than a lot of my counterparts. I have no problem with what might be called deviant sex. But I like the notion of bringing a type of reverence to the act that makes it a possible vehicle for deep connection with self and with others and with the divine. I like powerful sex.
What I've been thinking about recently is group sex. Now some people might write off that activity as morally corrupt or as far from divine as one can get. I would like to argue that group sex is only as devoid of the divine as those who are participating in it.
For instance, I have witnessed many scenes of incredibly hot sex between people where they were focused on their fellow participants, were bringing their energy and focus to bear upon what they were doing, and they were creating a positive experience for everyone involved. However, I have also seen people who look like they are going through a set of motions with as much connection and interest as one has when flossing one's teeth. This is as far away from the devotion to the goddess of love and passion as one can get.
A case in point is a story I heard from friends of mine in the swinger community where a man was getting a blow job from a very pretty girl. He reached out to stop a guy walking by and said, "Dude, do me a solid. Grab me a beer, would ya?"
This phrase of "do me a solid" is now an expression they use to describe someone who is totally rude and clueless and not really deserving the sexual attention of someone else.
It's harder perhaps to tell in the midst of something so apparently hedonistic as group sex to tell what is a healthy encounter and what isn't. I am not in the camp that says the only healthy sexual encounter is between two heterosexual monogamous people. I've seen deep sexual/emotional healing happen in a number of less than standard equations. But the question of what is "misuse" of sex in the more Buddhist frame is a question that is a little more complicated. We are not monks, but laypeople (pun intended) and so the notion of celibacy is not really applicable. But what is right use of the body in the matter of sex?
I really enjoyed Brad Warner's book, "Sex, Sin, and Zen," and would recommend it to anyone interested in those particular aspects. After you finish here, you can go check it out on amazon:)
What I think is the answer to the question of rightness is so very individual that it's difficult to see at a cursory glance. Here is a list of questions that I've been thinking about that a person might ask if they were trying to figure out if an activity was healthy for them.
1. Do I feel more lovable and valuable after the act? (this can be a double-edged sword, though it may sound positive at first; if we are getting validation from the act, we might need to at least look at this)
2. Do I feel more or less connected to my spiritual source? (or unchanged)
3. Did I do any harm physically/emotionally/spiritually to another with my action?
4. Did I do any harm physically/emotionally/spiritually to myself with my action?
5. Do I feel a lasting happiness after the act has passed or am I euphoric during the act and then beset by a lasting depression when the euphoria has ended?
6. Am I making harsh judgments about myself (consciously or subconsciously) about my moral character and punishing myself for those judgments accordingly? Even if my conscious mind feels that there is no reason to judge myself? (ie; my conscious mind does not endorse the moral system that I am judging myself by, though that does not abrogate the judgment as one might assume it would logically)
7. Am I making harsh judgments about others, even though I am interacting with them in a way which utilizes them for the fulfillment of my own desire?
8. Did I only partake in those actions that arose out of true desire, and not from any other pressures?
9. Was I in a state that I could make decisions and have consentual interactions?
10. Are my needs really getting met, or does the action just "appear" to be meeting my needs?
11. If I felt like there were a positive action that I could have taken to get my needs met, would I have opted for that instead of the action I took? (ie; instead of changing my life to truly get my needs met, am I settling for an action that is less than what I really need?)
It's possible that I could go on with this list, and perhaps people out there will have some others to add. The thing I like about this is that you could use these as a checklist for other actions, not just to make decisions regarding sex.
So as far as group sex goes, I think there can be a number of fairly toxic situations which arise within the hearts and minds of those participating. But I also know that for some people, the answer to these questions regarding group sex brings back nothing but positives.
What it comes back to for me is something that the Noble 8-fold Path (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path) might seem vague about. This is the notion of "right." For most of those who ask how one knows what is the right, I would answer that the notion of right has everything to do with an individual and their uniqueness as a being. This is not to say that there are not specific elements that one might say are "right" for the majority (or for all), but that there are as many answers for what is right as there are people.
If you are quiet in your mind, if you do the interior work and practice compassion for yourself and for others, you will come to understand what is right for you. The notion of enlightenment is clear vision, to see things as they actually are in a very deep way. It is in these moments of clarity that we see whether our action is right for us or is just us participating in an illusion.
To bring it back to the sex (since that's where we started), I think that the decision whether participating in any sexual encounter (no matter how "deviant") is healthy and a right action is solely to be answered by the person asking the question.
I am not God or the totality of the universe. I cannot look into your soul and know what the outcome of your action will be in time. I might guess, and I might be right (or horribly wrong). But I am not the one who decides. You are.
And, if we are all attempting to do our best to figure out what is our right path, we will be creating an amazing adventure for ourselves and for all others who exist. Whether we are having sex or not:)
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs lists sex along with food, clothing, and shelter as a basic need. Without these basic needs being met, it can be hard for people to reach self-actualization (the apex of the pyramid). Granted, there are always cases where people become their fullest selves amidst poverty, war, strife, and deprivation, but it is usually the exception as opposed to the rule.
Sex becomes a subject we shouldn't talk about as adults but its sublimation ends up getting ugly and twisted in all sorts of venues.
However, it is something most everyone desires. We value physical touch, in many forms, but there is something that the joining of the body with another accomplishes that is an elevation from where we are as humans now to a different state. Or, at least, it can be.
Sex can be a tasty, sweaty workout. It can be fun. It can be naughty. It can be REALLY naughty. But it can also get "disempowered" by a lack of respect from those who engage in it.
I have to admit I have different opinions of sex than a lot of my counterparts. I have no problem with what might be called deviant sex. But I like the notion of bringing a type of reverence to the act that makes it a possible vehicle for deep connection with self and with others and with the divine. I like powerful sex.
What I've been thinking about recently is group sex. Now some people might write off that activity as morally corrupt or as far from divine as one can get. I would like to argue that group sex is only as devoid of the divine as those who are participating in it.
For instance, I have witnessed many scenes of incredibly hot sex between people where they were focused on their fellow participants, were bringing their energy and focus to bear upon what they were doing, and they were creating a positive experience for everyone involved. However, I have also seen people who look like they are going through a set of motions with as much connection and interest as one has when flossing one's teeth. This is as far away from the devotion to the goddess of love and passion as one can get.
A case in point is a story I heard from friends of mine in the swinger community where a man was getting a blow job from a very pretty girl. He reached out to stop a guy walking by and said, "Dude, do me a solid. Grab me a beer, would ya?"
This phrase of "do me a solid" is now an expression they use to describe someone who is totally rude and clueless and not really deserving the sexual attention of someone else.
It's harder perhaps to tell in the midst of something so apparently hedonistic as group sex to tell what is a healthy encounter and what isn't. I am not in the camp that says the only healthy sexual encounter is between two heterosexual monogamous people. I've seen deep sexual/emotional healing happen in a number of less than standard equations. But the question of what is "misuse" of sex in the more Buddhist frame is a question that is a little more complicated. We are not monks, but laypeople (pun intended) and so the notion of celibacy is not really applicable. But what is right use of the body in the matter of sex?
I really enjoyed Brad Warner's book, "Sex, Sin, and Zen," and would recommend it to anyone interested in those particular aspects. After you finish here, you can go check it out on amazon:)
What I think is the answer to the question of rightness is so very individual that it's difficult to see at a cursory glance. Here is a list of questions that I've been thinking about that a person might ask if they were trying to figure out if an activity was healthy for them.
1. Do I feel more lovable and valuable after the act? (this can be a double-edged sword, though it may sound positive at first; if we are getting validation from the act, we might need to at least look at this)
2. Do I feel more or less connected to my spiritual source? (or unchanged)
3. Did I do any harm physically/emotionally/spiritually to another with my action?
4. Did I do any harm physically/emotionally/spiritually to myself with my action?
5. Do I feel a lasting happiness after the act has passed or am I euphoric during the act and then beset by a lasting depression when the euphoria has ended?
6. Am I making harsh judgments about myself (consciously or subconsciously) about my moral character and punishing myself for those judgments accordingly? Even if my conscious mind feels that there is no reason to judge myself? (ie; my conscious mind does not endorse the moral system that I am judging myself by, though that does not abrogate the judgment as one might assume it would logically)
7. Am I making harsh judgments about others, even though I am interacting with them in a way which utilizes them for the fulfillment of my own desire?
8. Did I only partake in those actions that arose out of true desire, and not from any other pressures?
9. Was I in a state that I could make decisions and have consentual interactions?
10. Are my needs really getting met, or does the action just "appear" to be meeting my needs?
11. If I felt like there were a positive action that I could have taken to get my needs met, would I have opted for that instead of the action I took? (ie; instead of changing my life to truly get my needs met, am I settling for an action that is less than what I really need?)
It's possible that I could go on with this list, and perhaps people out there will have some others to add. The thing I like about this is that you could use these as a checklist for other actions, not just to make decisions regarding sex.
So as far as group sex goes, I think there can be a number of fairly toxic situations which arise within the hearts and minds of those participating. But I also know that for some people, the answer to these questions regarding group sex brings back nothing but positives.
What it comes back to for me is something that the Noble 8-fold Path (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path) might seem vague about. This is the notion of "right." For most of those who ask how one knows what is the right, I would answer that the notion of right has everything to do with an individual and their uniqueness as a being. This is not to say that there are not specific elements that one might say are "right" for the majority (or for all), but that there are as many answers for what is right as there are people.
If you are quiet in your mind, if you do the interior work and practice compassion for yourself and for others, you will come to understand what is right for you. The notion of enlightenment is clear vision, to see things as they actually are in a very deep way. It is in these moments of clarity that we see whether our action is right for us or is just us participating in an illusion.
To bring it back to the sex (since that's where we started), I think that the decision whether participating in any sexual encounter (no matter how "deviant") is healthy and a right action is solely to be answered by the person asking the question.
I am not God or the totality of the universe. I cannot look into your soul and know what the outcome of your action will be in time. I might guess, and I might be right (or horribly wrong). But I am not the one who decides. You are.
And, if we are all attempting to do our best to figure out what is our right path, we will be creating an amazing adventure for ourselves and for all others who exist. Whether we are having sex or not:)
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Hold On Loosely...
Funny how lessons repeat until you learn them.
Last year I had two lovers who ended our relationship because they got girlfriends who couldn't handle us being friends even if we weren't sleeping together. This meant that not only was I not able to see them again in any situation, but that my email and phone number had to be erased and "friendship links" in the social networking world had to be severed.
And in some ways that's what all of it felt like, as though the ties that bound us together had been severed fairly violently.
However, I now see this was my ego talking. It liked to emo-mope and listen to this wonderful song on repeat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY)
The lack of them in my life was something that I had a difficult time processing, as in both cases I felt I had been important to these men as a friend, and in one case I felt like I had done a service for him that should have deserved some higher honor. You can notice here the ego words surfacing again, such as "deserved" and "important."
Don't get me wrong, I believe in conducting oneself in a way that brings honor to you and those around you. And I would hope that those people I choose to have in my life feel this way as well. But if they don't, then you either need to decide it's ok or decide you don't want them in your life. You can't "make" people conform to your standards, and it wouldn't be an honest/real change in them even if you could.
But back to the gentlemen in question...
I have at different junctions in my life been part of polyamorous relationships, so I was not averse to the idea of them dating other people. I understood that, since in both cases we weren't "forever" matches for each other, that it was inevitable that they would find women who were better suited to them for serious relationships. I was even prepared to be happy for them and their new monogamous relationships, as I would hope they would be happy for me had I been the one to find a relationship I wanted to pursue.
But in this case, it was more the fact that I was hurt and I missed them that was really the crux of the situation. I wanted them to be mine in some small way, and not change, even though I realized that we were not meant to keep/hold each other in the relationship world.
So what did I learn from all this? There are a number of things...
First, not everyone feels secure enough to know that their significant other has people in their lives with whom they've been intimate. What if things weren't going well in your relationship and they had a "relapse" and ending up sleeping with their Ex? And it would be easy if they were someone you saw regularly, right? I don't feel this way, as most of my Exes are that way for a reason and if there is a spoken or unspoken pact to be monogamous, I believe one should do everything in one's power to honor that (or if that seems impossible, to renegotiate the pact). But part of being able to relax into a relationship for many people is feeling safe in the fact that they are the only one their significant other will be interacting with in the realm of loving relationships.
Second, as much as I am really not a dangerous female to have around (meaning I may be predatory, but if you are off limits, I respect that), other women do not always perceive me as such. I think it's easier to make me more dangerous if you haven't met me. My myth, which proceeds me apparently, is much more interesting than I am in the flesh. Part of me thinks that's pretty awesome. The other part is sad that this sometimes makes it impossible for me to keep men in my life as friends.
The last thing I learned, and this is something that finally sunk in deeply just a bit ago, is that in the ocean of energy that is the universe, those connections that seem to have been sundered on the lower plain are not really ones which can be severed on the higher/energetic plains. The bonds we make endure. And the people we connect to are always connected to us. All it takes is for us to get quiet and connect deeply with ourselves, then reach out to feel them still swimming with us in the ocean.
I can miss them. But I have good memories of them for the most part. I can find it in my heart to wish them as much love and joy as they can hold in their lives and their new relationships. And I can take comfort in the fact that we never really lose those we love.
I am right this minute practicing the belief (it's a spiritual muscle you have to develop, people!!) that we meet the people we are supposed to meet. We love those who we are meant to. We are parted at exactly the right time. And we are never parted in the end.
To paraphrase Epictetus, I am "learning to wish that everything comes to pass exactly as it does."
Last year I had two lovers who ended our relationship because they got girlfriends who couldn't handle us being friends even if we weren't sleeping together. This meant that not only was I not able to see them again in any situation, but that my email and phone number had to be erased and "friendship links" in the social networking world had to be severed.
And in some ways that's what all of it felt like, as though the ties that bound us together had been severed fairly violently.
However, I now see this was my ego talking. It liked to emo-mope and listen to this wonderful song on repeat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY)
The lack of them in my life was something that I had a difficult time processing, as in both cases I felt I had been important to these men as a friend, and in one case I felt like I had done a service for him that should have deserved some higher honor. You can notice here the ego words surfacing again, such as "deserved" and "important."
Don't get me wrong, I believe in conducting oneself in a way that brings honor to you and those around you. And I would hope that those people I choose to have in my life feel this way as well. But if they don't, then you either need to decide it's ok or decide you don't want them in your life. You can't "make" people conform to your standards, and it wouldn't be an honest/real change in them even if you could.
But back to the gentlemen in question...
I have at different junctions in my life been part of polyamorous relationships, so I was not averse to the idea of them dating other people. I understood that, since in both cases we weren't "forever" matches for each other, that it was inevitable that they would find women who were better suited to them for serious relationships. I was even prepared to be happy for them and their new monogamous relationships, as I would hope they would be happy for me had I been the one to find a relationship I wanted to pursue.
But in this case, it was more the fact that I was hurt and I missed them that was really the crux of the situation. I wanted them to be mine in some small way, and not change, even though I realized that we were not meant to keep/hold each other in the relationship world.
So what did I learn from all this? There are a number of things...
First, not everyone feels secure enough to know that their significant other has people in their lives with whom they've been intimate. What if things weren't going well in your relationship and they had a "relapse" and ending up sleeping with their Ex? And it would be easy if they were someone you saw regularly, right? I don't feel this way, as most of my Exes are that way for a reason and if there is a spoken or unspoken pact to be monogamous, I believe one should do everything in one's power to honor that (or if that seems impossible, to renegotiate the pact). But part of being able to relax into a relationship for many people is feeling safe in the fact that they are the only one their significant other will be interacting with in the realm of loving relationships.
Second, as much as I am really not a dangerous female to have around (meaning I may be predatory, but if you are off limits, I respect that), other women do not always perceive me as such. I think it's easier to make me more dangerous if you haven't met me. My myth, which proceeds me apparently, is much more interesting than I am in the flesh. Part of me thinks that's pretty awesome. The other part is sad that this sometimes makes it impossible for me to keep men in my life as friends.
The last thing I learned, and this is something that finally sunk in deeply just a bit ago, is that in the ocean of energy that is the universe, those connections that seem to have been sundered on the lower plain are not really ones which can be severed on the higher/energetic plains. The bonds we make endure. And the people we connect to are always connected to us. All it takes is for us to get quiet and connect deeply with ourselves, then reach out to feel them still swimming with us in the ocean.
I can miss them. But I have good memories of them for the most part. I can find it in my heart to wish them as much love and joy as they can hold in their lives and their new relationships. And I can take comfort in the fact that we never really lose those we love.
I am right this minute practicing the belief (it's a spiritual muscle you have to develop, people!!) that we meet the people we are supposed to meet. We love those who we are meant to. We are parted at exactly the right time. And we are never parted in the end.
To paraphrase Epictetus, I am "learning to wish that everything comes to pass exactly as it does."
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