Rest

The weather is craptastic today, though I am reminded that bad weather in Southern California is a dream compared to some of the joy that's happening in the mid-west today. However, despite the fact that gloominess is in the clouds, I am feeling rather cheerful today.

I've been being hard on myself for not blogging for a bit, as I have a backlog of ideas that desperately (this is debatable, I'm sure) need to get written. But I've been traveling of late, which has taken up a goodly amount of my energy for functioning. Also, I have been doing a lot of what one might call "forming" out in the energetic world.

For the skeptic out there, just click on to the next blog. But for those of you who believe in an energetic world (or at least a human's ability to create his or her own experience through mental focus), what I have been doing falls into the category of taking a lot of energy to help create my future while not appearing to be "doing" much to the outside world.

I realize this is somewhat unclear. What I've been doing is going into a meditative state, then making images and connecting strong emotional responses to them. I am working from the notion that the brain doesn't differentiate in the same way between that which is actual and that which me imagine clearly. Also, I am working from the premise that those things to which we attach emotions have a lot higher likelihood of becoming a priority for our subconscious and conscious minds.

I don't really care that some of you out there are screaming that it doesn't do any more good than the placebo affect does for drug tests. Really this is because many of the placebo test groups do pretty well in fighting illness, so I'm convinced that the human brain is a pretty powerful force in regard to our bodies and health. So why would it be any different to say that I am relying on my mind and body to take me in pre-specified directions when given the thousands of choices I have per day that I possibly am not always consciously aware that I am making?

Anyway, what I am finding is that being in this meditative state makes it where I end up "doing without doing" in many ways. I flow through my day more "effortlessly." However, I also am finding that I need more rest than I normally would for a normal day (even one which includes more "tiring" activities).

One might be inclined to blame that on the weather or any number of other things. And of course, these may be factors. But in any case, I feel the need to rest. It's as if a nap is a living thing and sits at my shoulder, constantly ready to pounce.

In the days to come, I will probably find the energy to get my backlog of writing finished. I have all sorts of sexy and fabulous things to share. But right now, all I can muster is this brief update and hope that all of you out there are getting a chance to re-imagine your lives in this time of shift. And of course, that you are giving yourself the gift of a nap if you at all have the ability to do so.

Sending you all love today, and giving you permission to rest if you need to. There will be time later for everything you need to accomplish. I promise...

Love

"Love is granted freely by the universe, but right relationship is earned."
-Marianne Williamson, "Enchanted Love"


A dear friend and I saw a lecture by Marianne Williamson last night. She was talking about the notions of love, judgement/forgiveness, and the purpose of relationships. If you're at all interested in seeing the exact lecture, she has a subscription you can get from her website where you can watch all of her lectures (called the Miracle Matrix: http://www.marianne.com/index.htm)

But rather than repeat (and probably poorly) what she said, I will share rather what it caused in me. Once again I am struck by the fact that we end up where we need to be if we are paying attention and staying in the flow.... There was a lot that was said in that room that I needed to hear.

One of the things I realized about myself last night was that although I really try to see everyone in the light of their highest possible self (because I think that often times this makes people rise to the occasion) that it occasionally backfires. Because I see the amazing potential in people, I get upset sometimes when they don't end up meeting it. I want them to be better than they are. I want them to be stronger, more noble. If I stopped for a second and applied logic to those thoughts, I would see that I am asking them to rise to a level of perfection that I myself have not attained first of all.

And besides that, I am not giving them credit for what they have accomplished and I am not practicing compassion for where they are and what challenges they are facing. Sometimes, people reach their capacity (at that time). They are as strong as they are capable of being. They are bowed under the weight of their burdens and can't lift any more, let alone be able to help you carry any of your own burdens (if that were even possible). They are at capacity.

And if they cannot be what you need, you might rather ask why you have the needs you do rather than be angry at them for not being able to meet them.

Marianne Williamson also said that relationships can be heaven or hell (or more aptly, heaven and hell). She said that we are drawn to people where we can work out the things we need to to grow and so they will see the best and the worst in us.

She also said that the modern psychotherapy tends to belittle the wonderful feelings people have for each other in the beginning of a relationship and say that this time is false and the relationship then crashes back into "reality" and people start behaving badly again. She said that our world is so upside down that things that are really "unnatural" end up feeling "natural" and vice versa. For instance, in the beginning of a relationship, we view the other person through grace, and see the best things in them through the eyes of love.

But then we do not have the emotional capability to be a large or strong enough "vessel" to maintain that. It is like we are taken to the top of the mountaintop of bliss and shown what an enlightened relationship looks like, then brought back down to base camp and told we need to learn how to climb to be able to be a skilled enough climber to return to that state. She said we are trying to strive for the Ph.D in Love when we haven't really even mastered the kindergarten lessons.

I liked the notion that the NRE (new relationship energy) that is so strong when we are first dating is not a delusion, but rather a glimpse of what a relationship might look like if two people were strong enough to maintain that type of vision and love and grace.

Another thing that I took to heart was her mentioning that in our upside down world, we believe that those we are in intimate relationships with us should put up with our bad behavior or with our less than best effort because they accept and love us for who we are. While that may and should be true, she suggests that it is ludicrous that we take pains to be wonderful for people we hardly even know while not even taking the smallest pains for those we are supposed to love above everything else.

This hits home with me. I made one of my boyfriends crazy because I insisted on not wearing pretty things and taking pains with my appearance because in my mind he should love me for who I was. He tried to explain that he did, but that he really enjoyed me being pretty. I was adamant, because of some very deep wounding from my relationship before him. And he had been withholding deeper commitment from me, so apparently subconsciously it made sense to play tit-for-tat. I'll give if you give...

So the notion of taking the best care of yourself to give your own self the gift of love is incredible, but also that you should want to give your best always to those you love. You wouldn't think of giving your beloved dog rotted meat while giving the neighbors dog the choicest cuts. But somewhere, we go upside down and think it's ok to wear sweatpants every day for our SO, but we should get "dolled up" to go out for drinks with people we really can't stand.

I like the notion that we are living in an upside down world. It makes sense to me as a way of explaining how things go so very wrong. We think we are moving in the right direction, but we haven't considered that we've been trained in very dangerous and negative forms of thought and action. I also agree that the ego can be really sneaky and horrible in trying to make it where we will always be miserable so that it can justify its existence.

Where does this leave us on Valentine's day? Well, I'm reminding myself that I have plenty of people in my life who love me and I love them. There may not be flowers in the mix, or chocolates, or hot sex. I'll probably take myself to a movie. But I'm excited about the fact that a lot of my old wounds concerning love are coming to be healed. I'm not saying that I'm baggage free, but at least rather than "her royal highness' matched luggage," I only have one or two medium sized LVs. I could be wrong about this, but it definitely feels lighter.

Sexual Healing

As Rick Springfield so succinctly put it in the 80s, "We all need the human touch."

Back when they allowed human testing with less rigorous protection standards, there was a famous study in an orphanage regarding lack of touch leading to "failure to thrive" in infants. Even faced with this very compelling study, many adults think that they should be immune to this because of the fact that they are old enough to take care of themselves and meet their own needs.

Even though we give ourselves food, clothes, and shelter, we forget that on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, sex is among these base necessities. Some of this has to do with the continuance of the species, granted. But some of it is the touch that allows us to survive. If withering away from lack of human touch and connection isn't a "failure to thrive," I'm not sure what is.

I'm not saying that people don't go for long spans of time being celibate (by choice or other) and survive. But I think to be the most fulfilled, there needs to be some sort of human physical contact. Handshakes. Hugs. Things like that.

Nina Hartley says that she makes sure to hug her fans that come to see her. This is not a pervy maneuver on her part, but because she recognizes that a number of people who see her actually have no physical contact with another person (ie; they are unpartnered, have relationships that lack in physical contact, etc.) To me, that is an amazing gift to give your fans and a service to humanity as a whole.

I know for myself if I go for a long time without sex my head gets a little weird. I think this is a combination of the fact that I am incredibly cerebral in much of my daily life, I have a high sex drive, and I am a snuggle-needing individual by nature. I know that post orgasm, I am much calmer and in a deeper "alpha wave" sort of state.

The energy of calm and connection only comes from having another person present in that equation though. If I'm having quality time with my Hitachi, I can cum, and that's a wonderful physical release and feels really good, but it doesn't connect me up to a sense of something larger than myself. It doesn't make me feel less alone (if the sentient machines are listening, no offense intended!:)

I've had a number of people in my life who have been able to heal emotionally because of positive sexual contact. And I have been on the receiving end of that as well. Lately the universe has been giving me the opportunity to deal with some of my past baggage and to heal the last parts of me that are still wounded.

I had an experience recently where I was with an ex of mine. Lots of water under that bridge. But somehow in the mix, we got sexually intimate. Hot, sweet, dirty, sexy sex. Sex where you put more things in your mouth than you have since you were a year old and discovering your world through taste. Sex where you call out to god a lot and wanna start singing in the choir when you cum. And post sex where all you do is smile, and smile, and twitch from an aftershock, and smile...

And what may not be obvious from the outside is that there was a lot of healing that took place as well as fucking. To be able to let someone into your energy field and your body takes at least a certain amount of forgiveness. To be relaxed enough to let go and cum takes trust. And to be a truly giving lover, it takes a desire to do things for the other person that borders on the selfless.

I'm not saying that every act with an ex is an exercise in forgiveness and healing. People fuck exes for a lot of reasons. Sometimes it's the familiarity, sometimes the ease of access, sometimes it's a habit you haven't gotten out of, sometimes it's because you're revenge or hate fucking (though I've always thought to be truly effective you ought to be fucking someone else besides your ex if you're really that angry), sometimes it's because you're horny and bored.

I think at the very base level we are getting the touch and contact that is necessary for us as human animals to survive/thrive. And at the very highest levels, we are giving ourselves the possibility for the experience to something that transcends the act itself. Somehow we require an "other" to help us fully have healing on some of our deepest woundings. Perhaps it's because many of those woundings were caused by an "other."

But I think there is a chemistry or alchemy whereby the energy of two people is able to create the exact elements necessary for healing and advancement.

I think that the world would probably be a better place if all of us were having more (and more positive) sex. I suppose one might argue that people could get more pets instead. Animals have been shown to affect humans positively by lowering heart rates and blood pressure, decreasing loneliness and boredom, increasing human lifespans, and a whole host of other benefits. And I suppose if you can't fuck somebody, you should at least have a puppy or kitty to keep you company (and not in a pervy way! Eww!!).

But I think that alchemy requires another human. And when we have helped to heal each other, we can take that energy and do some really amazing things for our world.

A friend of mine participated in a pseudo-social-experiment that required you to hug at least 8 people per day. She said that it was really amazing to see people blossoming in front of you or having their terrible day brought back to good just by having a set of arms wrapped around them for a second or two. I know there are people who are not "huggy" people, but I applauded the reaching out to people with positive physical contact. In this case it was non-sexual and consentual (you had to ask first), but it made a huge difference in the lives of both the giver and receiver. Hugs (and sex) are often reciprocal in that way. So if you have a problem going out and having sex to aid in your healing, you might at least try the "8 hugs a day" remedy. I'm a hedonist, so I think both would be nice.

I tend to hug a lot. I have a cat already. But I still suffer from high blood pressure, so I think that means I need to be fucking more, right? :D

The Mender and the Ka-tet

"KA-TET: Literally speaking, ka-tet means "one made from many." Ka refers to destiny; tet refers to a group of people with the same interests or goals. Ka-tet is the place where man's lives are joined by fate." -The official Dark Tower website


I started reading Martha Beck's new book this week, "Finding Your Way in a New, Wild World." She uses some of the very old, mystical ways of describing a group of people who exist and have some of the same goals for helping mankind progress. She refers to these people as the 'Team' and says that many of the people she sees who have a general sense that they have a larger destiny but don't know what it is necessarily, but don't know what it looks like yet, fit into this grouping. She also goes on to say that of the Team, there are many who fall into the category of 'Mender,' or one whose job/calling it is to help people/animals/the earth to heal.

I have had this notion of a tribe for a while now, that I am slowly discovering more people who belong to my ka-tet (a term I first heard while reading Stephen King's Dark Tower series, and the notion of it and being a metaphorical "gunslinger" stuck in my psyche pretty firmly).

When I was doing some of my metaphysical work several years ago, I knew that the parts of me I was wanting to bring out were The Writer, The Wife/Lover, The Mother, and some undefined fourth I wasn't sure what it was. It had some purpose in the universal sense of things, but at that time it was just a place holder for a thing that had not been recognized inside me. The notion of being a gunslinger winds its way through all of my persona, but what was this other purpose or calling?

When I realized what it was, I struggled with what to call it. It encompassed a number of things. I was a healer, but that was not meant to be my main vocation. I was a fixer. I was a conduit to help people communicate with the universe, but I wasn't supposed to hang up a shingle in Beverly Hills to tell you your fortune. I was supposed to take care of problems that existed in the spirit realm, and do things that seemed completely crazy to a rational mind. I was supposed to write about all of it.

But as humans, we really like to label things. We like there to be names to reference and categories we can put things into. It makes us more comfortable. And even if we're not sure what a person does, we feel better if we have a name by which to refer to them (what exactly is a "light bender" anyway?).

So somewhere along the line while reading Hafiz, I realized I was probably a Mystic Poet. It sounded as good as any other explanation. It sounded a little sexy (though some of my friends might say it sounds New Age flaky, but to each his own). In the end, it doesn't really matter. I can call myself anything I want. It's the 21st century, and I have a blog, so pretty much I can self-identify any way I want.

But I really like the notion that we are in process of collecting our people, our tribe, our ka-tet. It's those moments of recognition between people, when you meet someone you've never seen before and you feel the instant recognition. "Oh, hi there. Good to see you again."

This doesn't mean that we are creating an "us vs. them" dichotomy. We serve all mankind in so many ways. But it is like coming home when you meet others along your destiny lines.

(note: I realize lately you haven't had much debauchery, so my next post I promise will be totally perverted. Promise.) :D

When the give-a-damn breaks...

Sometimes it's a very liberating thing to do to let go of caring about what other people think. I survived being a weird girl in a small town mainly because I was able to do this. I rejoice in the fact that I was able to at least express a portion of my oddness during my youth, though even then I was still holding some of ME back so as to allow myself to not have a horrific existence and to get along with my peers.

Right now I am trying to get back in touch with what I give a damn about, as some of the baby got thrown out with the bathwater. I care about how I look. I do have some semblance of pride in my appearance and desire to be sexy. I just don't care if I go out to Target in my sweatpants, which maybe is a mistake. But being in Los Angeles where super beautiful people surround you, you have to decide you are confident in your place on the visual food chain and just deal with it. It also takes a lot of energy to give a damn sometimes.

But here's where I am... I need to give it just a little more energy so that it shows in my life that I give a shit. However, what I chose to give a shit about and how I choose to show my care is up to me. I want a rockin body. I'd like to be healthy, and be able to outrun the undead should the zombie apocalypse actually come to fruition. I want to be able to bend over without things popping or impeding my breathing. I want to be pretty...

However, I also want to be able to express my own style and wild spirit that has at times been knocked out of me (by others) and at times been left by the wayside (by me) as I progressed through life. I have a creative, unique style, but I don't need to dress like all of the "unique" kids who shop at Hot Topic.

Related to the give-a-damn breaking, I know a lot of people (women mostly) who worry about their sexual number (ie; the amount of people they've slept with). I told a younger woman friend of mine that I had stopped counting a while back. It had been a preoccupation in my 20s, because I thought it was important not to get "too slutty," as if there were some magical number that made a woman slutty. I like the idea of giving sex the respect it deserves and making sure you are actually sleeping with people you are attracted to (I know that seems like a duh, but so many women sleep with others for a variety of reasons, often not because they are attracted to the person in question). I like being able to tell you the names of the people I've fucked. That's important to me.

However, I stopped giving a damn about the number. I realize there isn't really any person who gets to judge whether I'm a slut or not except me. Others can try, but it's really not their place and their opinion doesn't really matter to me. This might change if I meet someone I really care about and he (or she) is judgmental about my number. But I would hope that anyone who I really like is going to be happy for the awesome sexual skills I (hopefully) have picked up and not worry so much how far I had to travel to acquire them.

Like everything in my life right now, I'm looking for the balance. How and when to care and when not to care are important in a number of arenas. I just need to make sure that everything is decided on by what I think, as opposed to what other people (who I don't care about) think.

So today I'm happy I went to the gym and I'm thinking about picking up a funky sweater dress to wear while I look for another lucky person to be the next notch on my sexual belt. It might happen, it might not. But I really don't care if you approve or disapprove of my plans for my Friday night.

I just hope you've decided on your own plans and don't give a damn what I think.