Failure isn't sexy. Self-doubt is contagious. The ideal always seems better than flawed reality.
In a lifestyle where you can literally be staking your life on your ability to choose play partners, it is understandable that we would all want to choose someone who oozes confidence and has a spotless track record. We want to know that we are safe and that the Top/Dominant/Master can take us where we want to go. We are automatically drawn to those who beat their chests and proclaim their perfection as Mega-Master; confidence breeds confidence.
The only problem is that most Dominants do not spring from Zues's head fully formed. By this I mean that even if one starts out knowing that one is a Dominant, he or she doesn't automatically have the talent and skill level that he/she will one day attain. Dominants must have a way to learn, to practice, and to eventually achieve proficiency (and one day, Mastery). In order for them to get to that point, however, they eventually need to have other people (bottoms/slaves/submissives) who are willing to allow them to practice and try things out, and are willing to have them fail while doing so.
Granted there are ways of minimizing risks while learning in play. But at some point, there needs to be a living being on the other side of the equation for it to be ultimately successful. And with "soft skills," it's always theory until you have relationships in which to put things into practice.
The Lifestyle engenders a lot of swaggering on the part of Dominants because, like any mating call, submissives might not want to be with you if they think you are fallible. So you build a facade of power, splash yourself liberally with some leather-scented pheromones, and start shouting loudly about how awesome is your Dominance. And it works. Why? Because who wouldn't want to be with someone who's perfect?
I imagine this is also why there are a smaller number of Dominants who publicly discuss their path of learning. And I understand that it's not always helpful to hear the 100 ways a Dominant has failed--it's hard to build a strong house on a foundation of failures. But this keeping of our learning curves behind closed doors for the sake of our ego and of our future ability to attract play partners (etc.) does not do anything to help our community with their learning curves.
I know that the best way to learn is probably with a phenomenal Master as a mentor. However, especially if you live in the middle of B.F.E., it's hard to find that mentor figure. You are stuck with what there is to read, watch, and then... what you learn from finding a brave partner willing to let you try things out on them.
And you will fail. Things will go wrong. You will not be as graceful or fierce as you wanted to be. The scene is not good. And you take notes, and you fix things, and you learn.
But what I'd like to say today is that although we go through this state of falling and getting back on the horse, it is not necessarily useful to always look at what is wrong for longer than it takes to learn from it. We all have the tendency to fixate on our faults. But what happens then is that our confidence starts to erode. And our confidence is a necessary factor not only in being attractive to partners, but also to be successful in the things we attempt the next time.
Where focus goes, energy flows. When we focus overly on our weakness, we "invest" in the weakness in ourselves. This is not to say we should be unaware of our faults or try to address our rough spots, but that we cannot make positive progress when that is our major focus.
I have been thinking of this Marianne Williamson quote of late:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."
We have a deep and intrinsic desire to be our highest and most powerful selves (no matter what side of the slash we fall on). But we also have a fear of becoming that. Who would we be? What would it mean? How would others see us if we were REALLY amazing, as opposed to using a facade of amazing to hide our fear and our shortcomings?
I have been struggling to refocus myself, to focus my energy on my strength and becoming closer to me ideal self rather than breaking myself down. I want to point the rudder of my ship toward the unknown shore where fantasy becomes real, is real. But it's hard. And I need practice. And I need to re-calibrate when I go off course, but not focus on the incorrect heading lest I subconsciously drift toward those rocky bluffs.
So that's where I'm at today. We'll see where my ship finds itself tomorrow...
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Deference
Deference: (noun) Humble submission and respect.
When we are young, we are by default made to give deference to the wishes of others. As we get into the ages where "no" becomes our favorite word, we attempt to impose our own will on the world and the adult rule-makers in our lives. For some of us, that attempt at freedom is successful and we "get our way." For others, the attempt is thwarted and we fall into line with the wishes of others due to fear of reprisal/punishment or promised reward.
When we reach our teens, we often have this power struggle again. Perhaps the parents who have been giving in decide our behavior isn't cute any more and should be punished, or suddenly needs to be controlled. Or perhaps we have been living under an iron thumb and want to be released from that oppression. Again, we may be successful or unsuccessful in our attempts.
When we become adults ourselves, the idea is that we have been given the freedom to make decisions slowly over time giving deference to our own council. The idea is to learn from our mistakes in a safe environment so that by the time we are making all of our own decisions, we will be making reasonably good ones with less chance of catastrophic risk.
Anyone who has been around new college students can attest to the fact that there are a great number who do not seem very well equipped to handle adult freedoms. However many colleges are also set up to have a safety net for problematic decision making on the part of its student body.
In the BDSM Lifestyle, we are often asked to decide who we give our deference to, under what circumstances, and for what periods of time to offer that deference. We think about giving deference to our elders (vanilla and kinky), whether they have really earned our respect or not. It is thought to be polite to give deference to elders unless they show that they are not worthy of that deference.
Those who are looking to have D/s or M/s relationships also have to ask themselves who they want to serve or be served by. In the power exchange, we are either giving deference to someone else's decision making and His/Her authority (and we negotiate what those parameters are) or receiving the responsibility to make decisions for or being the authority figure for someone else. We knowingly choose to submit to the will of others or to have others submit to our will.
I have spent many years in the posture of submission. I am now exploring my Dominance in the world, though I am and will always be in service to the Universe. When I surrendered to that call, it actually gave me the strength and understanding concerning how important it is to listen to not only its council but also to my own.
HOWEVER, listening to one's own council and making decisions from that may be harder than we might think at first. I believe that deferring to oneself and having the confidence to continue that deference is like exercising a muscle that sometimes becomes atrophied. Let me give you a really rudimentary example.
I had a moment one day when I was at a sandwich shop. I had ordered lunch and the woman behind the counter asked me if I wanted it to eat there or "to go." I hadn't decided yet and didn't have strong feelings either way, so the words "either one" slipped out of my mouth. It didn't take me long to realize this was actually kind of a dick move. The woman had not asked to be responsible for my decisions, it placed another bit of business on her that wasn't really her job, and she didn't really know me to know what would be a better choice for me if I abdicated the decision making. She would have to make the decision if I decided not to (non-consentual responsibility) and I would be left with needing to just accept whatever she decided, even if it didn't really turn out to be what I might prefer.
At this realization, I told her I had decided to "dine in," and I took my sandwich to a table and explored the epiphany I had just triggered.
If I want my life to be the way I imagine it could be, I must either make the decisions to get there, or I must place myself in the hands of someone who will make the decisions for me who will either get me where I want to go or who will take me where they want to go and I will (hopefully) be happy with that. If I don't actively choose, I will either have to be happy with whatever might blow my way or be ok with anybody who happens along making my choices for me.
As the Rush song says, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
This is not to say that those who serve are at all lacking in strong will. I understand that it is an act which can take tremendous strength to submit or defer to someone else. That act of submission, when it is thoughtfully and purposefully done, is exercising the muscle of deference. It merely chooses a different person as a focus as opposed to oneself.
But I think there are many of us who go through life without exercising our choice, our ability to decide to whom we will defer. We are told we must defer to our lawmakers, our elders, the desires of our peer groups, the evening news, our religious leaders, our parents, our bosses... the list goes on. We become weak in our choosing. We take what we are given. We stop believing we can have lives like we want them to be, so we stop trying to create them...
I really don't care what side of the slash you decide to live on. I just want all of us to actively make choices about our lives.
If you serve, choose who you will serve and don't just take anybody who wants the job. Value yourself and your ability to choose, even if it is just making a good decision on who will best "serve you" and your life/dreams in return if you give them authority over you.
If you are a Dominant, choose what world you want to create and make decisions that further that. Don't expect your submissives/slaves to create a world for you without your vision.
If we don't know how to make good decisions, let's find a safe place to make some mistakes and get better. Let's exercise our muscles in giving meaningful deference to chosen, worthy others and to our deepest selves.
Forced deference or blase choice is hollow. Only when we give our submission or make choices with full understanding and free will can deference have any true meaning.
When we are young, we are by default made to give deference to the wishes of others. As we get into the ages where "no" becomes our favorite word, we attempt to impose our own will on the world and the adult rule-makers in our lives. For some of us, that attempt at freedom is successful and we "get our way." For others, the attempt is thwarted and we fall into line with the wishes of others due to fear of reprisal/punishment or promised reward.
When we reach our teens, we often have this power struggle again. Perhaps the parents who have been giving in decide our behavior isn't cute any more and should be punished, or suddenly needs to be controlled. Or perhaps we have been living under an iron thumb and want to be released from that oppression. Again, we may be successful or unsuccessful in our attempts.
When we become adults ourselves, the idea is that we have been given the freedom to make decisions slowly over time giving deference to our own council. The idea is to learn from our mistakes in a safe environment so that by the time we are making all of our own decisions, we will be making reasonably good ones with less chance of catastrophic risk.
Anyone who has been around new college students can attest to the fact that there are a great number who do not seem very well equipped to handle adult freedoms. However many colleges are also set up to have a safety net for problematic decision making on the part of its student body.
In the BDSM Lifestyle, we are often asked to decide who we give our deference to, under what circumstances, and for what periods of time to offer that deference. We think about giving deference to our elders (vanilla and kinky), whether they have really earned our respect or not. It is thought to be polite to give deference to elders unless they show that they are not worthy of that deference.
Those who are looking to have D/s or M/s relationships also have to ask themselves who they want to serve or be served by. In the power exchange, we are either giving deference to someone else's decision making and His/Her authority (and we negotiate what those parameters are) or receiving the responsibility to make decisions for or being the authority figure for someone else. We knowingly choose to submit to the will of others or to have others submit to our will.
I have spent many years in the posture of submission. I am now exploring my Dominance in the world, though I am and will always be in service to the Universe. When I surrendered to that call, it actually gave me the strength and understanding concerning how important it is to listen to not only its council but also to my own.
HOWEVER, listening to one's own council and making decisions from that may be harder than we might think at first. I believe that deferring to oneself and having the confidence to continue that deference is like exercising a muscle that sometimes becomes atrophied. Let me give you a really rudimentary example.
I had a moment one day when I was at a sandwich shop. I had ordered lunch and the woman behind the counter asked me if I wanted it to eat there or "to go." I hadn't decided yet and didn't have strong feelings either way, so the words "either one" slipped out of my mouth. It didn't take me long to realize this was actually kind of a dick move. The woman had not asked to be responsible for my decisions, it placed another bit of business on her that wasn't really her job, and she didn't really know me to know what would be a better choice for me if I abdicated the decision making. She would have to make the decision if I decided not to (non-consentual responsibility) and I would be left with needing to just accept whatever she decided, even if it didn't really turn out to be what I might prefer.
At this realization, I told her I had decided to "dine in," and I took my sandwich to a table and explored the epiphany I had just triggered.
If I want my life to be the way I imagine it could be, I must either make the decisions to get there, or I must place myself in the hands of someone who will make the decisions for me who will either get me where I want to go or who will take me where they want to go and I will (hopefully) be happy with that. If I don't actively choose, I will either have to be happy with whatever might blow my way or be ok with anybody who happens along making my choices for me.
As the Rush song says, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
This is not to say that those who serve are at all lacking in strong will. I understand that it is an act which can take tremendous strength to submit or defer to someone else. That act of submission, when it is thoughtfully and purposefully done, is exercising the muscle of deference. It merely chooses a different person as a focus as opposed to oneself.
But I think there are many of us who go through life without exercising our choice, our ability to decide to whom we will defer. We are told we must defer to our lawmakers, our elders, the desires of our peer groups, the evening news, our religious leaders, our parents, our bosses... the list goes on. We become weak in our choosing. We take what we are given. We stop believing we can have lives like we want them to be, so we stop trying to create them...
I really don't care what side of the slash you decide to live on. I just want all of us to actively make choices about our lives.
If you serve, choose who you will serve and don't just take anybody who wants the job. Value yourself and your ability to choose, even if it is just making a good decision on who will best "serve you" and your life/dreams in return if you give them authority over you.
If you are a Dominant, choose what world you want to create and make decisions that further that. Don't expect your submissives/slaves to create a world for you without your vision.
If we don't know how to make good decisions, let's find a safe place to make some mistakes and get better. Let's exercise our muscles in giving meaningful deference to chosen, worthy others and to our deepest selves.
Forced deference or blase choice is hollow. Only when we give our submission or make choices with full understanding and free will can deference have any true meaning.
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