Ravage

I just finished watching the first season of True Detective on HBO. It's a great show, and if you haven't watched it yet, you should. But that aside, what I wanted to focus on in this post is a specific scene between two characters. A sex scene. I'm not going to name them so there's no spoiler (this would be a big one). But what was interesting to me was that it's one of the few sex scenes in a while which has actually moved me, both in an emotional and a "hot and bothered" way. And that's saying something...

So what was it about this scene in particular that roused me? First, it was the pent up emotion and frustration that each of the characters had. By the time we reach this scene, both of them have a lot of need and desire in their life in general, and have been in a drought in regard to both emotional and sexual needs-fulfillment. They have both been brought to a place where, despite their objectives for it, they have a tremendous need for physical connection with one another.

And when they come together, there is such blatant/raw need and energy. It is palpable through the screen. And it isn't prettied up with soft lights or a grandiose musical score, there is no nudity, and it takes under a minute. But it's intense. And it's emotional for the viewer as well as the characters.

So the question is why is it so moving?

I think the first thing is our investment/transference with the characters and their emotions. We feel them, we identify with them in some ways (even if they are our much more interesting or fucked-up selves). We want them to be satisfied. And the needs that they have mirror needs of our own.

The second reason I think this scene is so compelling is that it taps into a desire we have for extreme passion in our relationships and our sexual encounters. We live in such a strange world where men and women (especially younger ones) are encouraged to have marathon sex, where everyone is concerned with how much time on the clock went by while we were doing the nasty. We measure our sexual prowess by how many positions we can master off the Kama Sutra. We try to count the orgasms. We want to look like porn stars, so we practice the faces and the ways and means of those we watch during our quality alone time. We talk about scratching itches. But with all the focus on the act and the physical, I believe we have ironically lost all that is primal and sensual about physical intimacy. And that last word... It implies knowing; it implies emotional closeness.

David Deida in his book Way of the Superior Man talks about the idea of "ravaging" your woman. Granted, this book is supposed to be for men, but I got a lot out of reading it as well. I think the gender roles and energy can apply to females as well, so don't let that stop you from reading it if you're a woman. But back to the point, the idea of ravaging was for a man to bring his entire energy and desire to the sexual act so that this fierce passion was a transformative force for his partner.

I think that what many of us are missing is that sense of ravishment, that we are wanted and desired to that level. We are missing the fierce passion, both in ourselves and our partner. We are missing it in our emotional intimacy and our sexual intimacy.

I don't mean to suggest that it is just a one-way street in this matter either. Many men I know want to feel that level of desire from their woman, want to receive the energy of that ravishment. They want that passion to hit them like an ocean wave and engulf them. This goes beyond a woman initiating sex. It is the desire that pounces like a tigress attacking her prey.

And no matter what your sexual orientation or relationship type, most people want to feel that level of passion in their lives.

I think it strikes something primal within us, as well as giving us the level of transformative energy that can bring us to a more spiritual ("of the spirit") union as well. If nothing else, it can bring us to a more juicy and deep way of living than perhaps we are at now. And I personally would like to see more of the passionate and "real" come back into our sex lives and our expectations about what might be fulfilling.

So for myself, I need to figure out how I can get my energy and my focus in place so I can go home tonight and ravish my man.

I'm pretty sure it will be worth the effort.

Sexualization and Female Power

Power. It's a neutral thing in an of itself, like money or guns.

In cultures where social control is important, there are many warnings regarding power. We are all familiar with absolute power corrupts absolutely. There are warnings against rich men getting into heaven. When we are young, we are told not to break our arm patting ourselves on the back. We are shown the necessity for humility, but very rarely are we shown the effective uses of positive ego in regard to feelings of competence and mastery.

We are shown figures like Ghandi and Martin Luther King, Jr. as people who were able to stand against power with passive resistance on one hand, and on the other we are shown battle heroes like General MacArthur or Alexander the Great as people who were able to use power in active resistance or conquest.

On a rare instance we are shown women wielding power in a historical framework. Most of the time one has to dig in order to come back with names other than Joan of Arc (who became a saint, but had to get there by way of being burnt at the stake for heresy when she was 19). I'm happy to see more lists of Historical Women (http://teacher.scholastic.com/activities/women/notable.htm), believe me I am. But it's our everyday woman that I really want to talk about here.

There are many cautionary tales for women also concerning power. You are warned that if you are powerful or try to become so, bad things can happen (see also, Joan of Arc, or any women in a war zone currently). Unfortunately, women through history have often been kept in place through rape, sexual servitude, marriage, and pregnancy. If you are out of the stage where these items don't apply (you're in the crone phase), you are mostly in line for other torture or death. You can be branded as a witch. You can be called a heretic.

Or, if you live in safer times, you might be afraid of power because it will make you a bitch, or "unattractive," and all of this means you will end up alone and unloved.

I often like to show this to my friends, just to remind them how not very far away we are from certain stereotypes: Women, Know Your Limits!

I use the term "sexualization" of power rather than sexuality because the latter is an organic state of being in which a woman has innate sexuality, whereas sexualization in my mind is the in-organic addition of sexuality to situations where it might not be naturally appropriate in order to make a woman's power more acceptable. My test for this is would the addition of sexuality to power in a man in any specific instance be seen as "weird" or "inappropriate" where it is not seen so when added to the behavior of women?

I often find that if I am just direct and powerful, it can be seen as me trying to be intimidating or trying to usurp power (with the assumption that it isn't mine to begin with). But many people take my use of power better if it is coupled with a softening of my words and general demeanor and if I add the element of sexuality to my bearing, I am much more well received.

One might postulate that if I am sexual, I am a known element, and also available for sex/sexual interaction, and in the end, controllable. It becomes odd though when this reaction happens in regard to the response from heterosexual woman.

Why is my power more acceptable to women if I am clearly feminine, wearing makeup and clothing that is specifically feminine, and am soft in my approach? However, I can't get too sexualized, because women will assume I am slutty and only got my power from screwing my way to the top, as it were. If I am too manly, I am accused of being butch, or trying to be a man (which is less palatable to both men and woman).

What I am getting at with this is in a modern context, I must be sexual in just the right amounts and kinds for people to not be uncomfortable with my power. And it's important for me to hit that mark, because if I don't, I run the risk of being made to "pay" for my hubris by having power either stripped from me if I am in a volatile power position, or having my power undermined by those I am interacting with, even if they don't realize that is what they are doing. The answer is just, "I felt more comfortable with the other person" and that is enough...

We can always say screw the world, I am going to be sexual and powerful in the ways I want to as organically as possible. Which I think is an excellent idea. But I also know that there are penalties if how I am does not conform to the expectations of the culture at large.

I don't want to say that men do not have lines they need to walk if they seek or have power. All I'm saying is that in a general cultural and historical context, the stakes are not as grave if they should fail.

To bring this back to the personal, I struggle with some of the fear of what will happen if I am powerful. The reminder that the world needs more powerful people who fall on the "fighting for good" side of things is one of the elements which pushes me onward.

A number of women in Hollywood feel like it's a crusade to get more women in the rank and file and in higher positions in the industry. They go about it by showing how many women are not working at the tops of the profession and having special incentives for using women on projects. However, I feel this sort of thinking is sometimes counterproductive.

Because we "firmly" believe that we are being held back/down and purposefully underrepresented, we entrench that belief in the ether. We cannot underestimate the power of belief to affect things in a thousand subtle, nuanced ways.

We also may come across to males in our field as the whiny little sister who wants to play but is being told no, instead of equal adults. Or we offend the men who are our allies and like working with us because they feel like "men" are being held as responsible for something they have little control over. And we also may not be as qualified for a job as a man in our field, but we get the job in the name of equity. And some of the men really are tired of the women who do use their sex and sexuality to get jobs they aren't qualified for in the first place. These are valid complaints that we need to recognize.

I think rather than mandates or force from the outside, the change has to be organic in us first. I think we have to feel worthy of our power and our sexuality and not afraid of it or of wielding it. I think we have to focus on our excellence and then not be afraid to show it. I think we need to stop softening ourselves if that is not the way we are intrinsically. And I think we need to stop using our sexuality in ways that legitimize or make acceptable our power.

I think it is going to take us being unafraid of what might happen if we are truly powerful. We need to come to that place internally and externally. And we DO need men to help us in building a world where we have nothing to be afraid of.

It's hard when we're fighting the proof of history and culture and politics... but I can feel the way the power in me wants to rise, and I am beginning to welcome it.

The Scope of Personal Responsibility

"The salvation of the world depends on me." --A Course in Miracles

I am looking at what is going on today in the political landscape, and it reminds me that individual people can be powerful. In this case, I believe that a small number of people in Congress (80) which represent 18% of the US population, are causing the wheels of government to stop turning. It may seem on the surface that they are faithfully representing their demographics, but I see behind them a faction who is overjoyed at the chains that are being put on the government while they are allowed free-reign. I see that the common people are being told they are being served while instead they are being used as an excuse for the deeds of a faction that does not have their best interests at heart.

And I watch as common citizens repeat talking points they have heard from politicians and news organizations and social media feeds, but about which they have no understanding. They talk about laws they don't understand as if they knew, but they have not read the laws, nor do they intend to. And to be honest, bureaucracy has made it almost impossible to read the legal documents that directly affect our lives.

I am reminded of Orwell's Animal Farm, where the pigs take over by exploiting feelings of oppression of the other animals. At first, all animals are taught to read, and a list of commandments are made. The most important is the commandment that, "All animals are equal." But over time, the pigs start to take advantage of the others, making it less important that the other's know their rights, and finally, when no animals can read or remember what the commandments once said, they refine the most important one to read, "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others."

I worry that people in our society have forgotten why it's important to be educated and to stay invested in the smaller and larger communities. In the end, we all affect one another with our actions, even if we don't immediately understand why that is the case.

It took me a while to understand the power of the quote from A Course in Miracles. At first I thought that it was a hugely self-centered idea. How am I soooooo important that the salvation of the world depends on me? Am I Superwoman? Am I the Pope? Did I become responsible for every human being over night and no one told me? I must think I'm some hot shit...

But I've gotten a better understanding of it since then. If this statement is true for everyone reading the text, then it becomes each person's responsibility. We are all tasked with the same thing, we are all invested in the outcome equally. And if that is the case, then all of us are special and none of us are special. If it "takes a village," then in this case, we are all coming together in the synthesis of community. If we are all taking responsibility for our fellow humans, then lots of other someone's are looking out for us while we look out for them.

I know some of you are tired because you feel as though you've been the older sibling type and caring for others your whole life. And you feel as though no one has cared for you. You may feel as though you've been invested in politics and no one else cares. You may feel as though your community is apathetic. And unfortunately, you would not be wrong...

But in the end, our apathy in response to this has allowed groups of people who do not love us or care about our political/economic/spiritual health to make decisions for us. Because we could not bother to be invested ourselves we have let those who only want power and fame to shape our lives.

If we try to use the Kantian Categorical Imperative here, imagine a world in which no one took on the responsibility of creating salvation for the world. Where no one took it upon themselves to do acts of betterment for their fellow men. There would be no aid for the poor or the elderly or the sick. There would only be self-interest, and not the enlightened self-interest which believes that good things for you bring good things for me.

There have always been issues in politics with money and power, and exploitation of ignorance. But I think in the long run, we have to support "the right thing."

Some of you might have bristled at the use of "the right thing" in this context, but I assure you this isn't a mandate of specific action, nor is it an endorsement of a particular political party. It is the call for us to become educated, to ensure the education of those who come after us, to understand those elements of politics which were created to protect those who have been disenfranchised or who are weak politically/economically/spiritually.

I want us all to talk about these things as well educated individuals who have taken time to think about matters which concern ourselves, our communities, and our world. I want us to see the propaganda from all sides for what it is, and have discourse which uses our own voices and not one in which we are the sock puppets of hidden hands.

And most of all, when we consider what is public policy, I would like us to feel the weight and importance we have. I want us to understand the ripples of our impact. And I want us to know that the salvation of the world depends on all of us.

Earning It

I think there is a certain delusion about what happens when you put yourself out into the world as a Dominant. No matter who tells you how much hard work it is to be a Dominant or a Master, you really don’t believe them fully. And even if you know logically that it is, or you’ve trained under great Masters, you still hold firmly onto the belief that it won’t be that difficult for you to become a Dominant. After all, you practiced your “hard skills” of flogging and spanking until you were flawless, didn’t you? But perhaps the level or type of hard work that’s necessary may not be the kind you thought it was…

I’m going to tell you that the things that I have struggled with the most as I’ve worked on my personal mastery are as follows:

1. Getting rid of my Ego,
2. Learning to take feedback and criticism without shutting down, and
3. Developing a willingness to make myself and my life not just workable but outstanding.

But how does this relate specifically to becoming a Dominant? Isn’t this all just about beating someone or getting to tell them what to do? Sort of… but that’s just the tip of the iceberg if you want to have real relationships with real people.

I think that the delusion of “easy dominance” persists because we see a lot of people who call themselves Dominants who don’t particularly inspire awe. We begin to think, “Well, if Sir-so-and-so can do it, why can’t I?” Sometimes this is because we see Dominants who don’t even look as though they have their own lives together, let alone being able to whip someone else’s life into shape. We judge (fairly or unfairly) their ability to lead by outer markers. They are out of shape, their cars are falling apart, and they don’t have two cents to rub together. If a crisis was happening, they would be the last person you might think could help you. They may be brilliant and kind and compassionate, but they are failing in the other life-skills.

I have also seen some Dominants who are stellar at getting other people’s worlds working who upon further scrutiny are hopeless at getting their own put together or who sacrifice their own good consistently for the good of those who serve them or for their community (and don’t require reciprocity or are not willing to receive help when it is offered). While this is great for the submissive/slave/community for a while, this is not so great for the prosperity, longevity, and success of the Dominant (and in the long run, not a great deal to those in a relationship as they lose out on what a fully actualized and well cared for Dominant might have given them).

When I first started my journey toward mastery, I knew I was fairly smart, kind, and had good communications skills. But I didn’t realize how much all of these would be tested. And I also didn’t realize that even though I might whine that it isn’t fair to be judged by the outer success of my life, that in the end, it was a valid critique.

I had to put down my Ego for a moment and really listen to what people said in feedback. I am not perfect. But a slave would need to be able to trust me. And not just emotionally. They would also need to trust that if they put their economic world in my hands, that I would be a good steward of those resources. And how could I get them to trust me when it was obvious I didn’t have my own financial world in order? I could say “trust me,” but how reasonable is it for me to expect them to do that? If a financial advisor said this to you, you would proceed with caution and you’d expect to see a portfolio or some sort of track record. But often when we are asked as Dominants (and as people) to show why we should be trusted, we get mad. Our Ego makes us get up on our hind-legs and makes things come out of our mouths like, “you just must not be a real submissive/slave” or “I told you that you needed to work on your surrender.” And even if we don’t say that, we THINK it…

Because wouldn’t it be easier if the problem was that our submissives or slaves just weren’t doing it right? Wouldn’t it be easier if the burden of proof weren’t necessary? Wouldn’t it be easier if they just gave us a badge that said DOMINANT and all of the perks magically appeared with it?

What I came to realize is that if I want someone who’s exceptional to be in my life, I need to earn that by being exceptional in return. We may not be perfect, but all of us need to really be committed to that push toward being better than we have been in the past. And the true relationship is interdependent, and I am made better by those who serve me, they are made better by my service to them. And the highest service we can do for one another is to see the potential in each other, to grant each other grace for our imperfections, and to lift each other up.

So as a person who aspires to mastery, I need people who can gently (and with great compassion) show me where I am lacking and also show me where I am mighty. And I need to take both of those pieces of information with as little Ego as I can. Because being mighty is not being filled with Ego, nor is having lack a terrible indictment of self. Both are merely informational. If I try to deny either, or let the delusion stand, great harm can occur.

One who does not recognize their might can treat it with disregard and not just fail to do the great things they were capable of doing, but do actual injury. And one who does not recognize (and fix) the lacking will eventually fail when they otherwise might have been victorious.

I hate being wrong. I hate being weak. I hate the things in my life which are obviously a train-wreck. But I have to be strong enough to admit to those things, to be brave enough to let others see those things (when I desperately want to hide them), and I have to have the willingness to work towards changing that which I have power to change. I have to be willing to stand before a submissive/slave and hear what is true without blaming them or trying to defend why things are ok (when they obviously aren’t). And I have to do it all while remaining emotionally open and vulnerable. It’s really hard personal work.

But in the end, I think it’s worth it. Both for myself, my life, and for the lives of those who are involved with me.

And although I’d love to have been handed that Dominant badge without having to work for it, somehow I think I’m happier having had to earn it…

Service, On All Sides

When we serve we are no longer submissive or Dominant, Master or slave, but we are a human serving another human, serving ourselves, and our chosen world.

I think that we get very distracted by what service is supposed to look like and what traits we are supposed to be showing during that service. There is a lot of rhetoric when it comes to what a Dominant (or submissive) is "supposed" to do, how they should look, how they should speak or command/receive commands. And of course, there is a lot of rhetoric on who should be "in service" and what that should look like.

This rhetoric in kink causes cognitive dissonance when we see a fairly mild-mannered looking person wearing regular clothes who is not at all surly, bossy, or intimidating who calls himself a Master. We also have some automatic responses when we see women who call themselves Masters, sometimes merely for the fact that they are women and possibly not overly-sexualized. We also have this dissonance when we see a sub/slave who is powerful, unapologetically direct in speech and demeanor, and who does not immediately take on a submissive role when in the presence of a Dominant.

To further complicate the matter, when we dive into the realm of SM, we find that there are Dominants who enjoy receiving pain/play and submissives who enjoy being sadists and giving pain/play. I have often heard Dominants who say with derision, "I don't bottom," as if this were the most demeaning thing they can think of enduring. It's not so much a person's decision that they don't enjoy bottoming that I take offense to, it is the implication that one cannot be dominant and bottom and that bottoming is somehow only done by those who are "less than."

Although it is helpful to have broad categories which are useful to talk about how we enjoy being in the world, I would like to suggest that we move more quickly into the realm of specifics with people so that we can see each other as the incredibly complicated creatures that we are.

It does not serve us to maintain stereotypical notions of who we should be and what we should want, because that keeps us from having real relationships with real people. And it also keeps us from getting what we truly want and need from our lives. What is the point of breaking chains of vanilla convention if you are then bound by no less restrictive conventions of the kink world?

What I would like is for us to widen the paradigms we use. We all know the phrase "in service." I suggest that it would be of more use if we applied it to all of our relationships, regardless of our D/s or M/s status. Therefore, I am suggesting that we use the three goals of service which follow to start widening our perspective.

The first goal is service to ourselves. We must put energy and focus on pursuing self-actualization and caring for ourselves and our overall health. As Princess Bride's Count Rugen says, "If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything." If we are not taking care of ourselves, we will not have a renewable resource to give to others. If we do not become what is our highest potential, then we are not fulfilling what we are on this earth to do/be. What amazing things could you do if you were accessing all of yourself and your skills/abilities?

The second goal is service to another human. We look for those things which our chosen "other(s)" need/desire and we see how we are best suited to helping them attain that which they seek. We also see how they might help us meet our own needs as well. We often look for that sort of one-to-one reciprocity first and judge how well we are suited for a relationship based on our answers to those questions.

This is possibly where the Dominant or submissive tendencies can help us, as sometimes what our other needs only one fulfilling a dominant/submissive role can give. This is like the right tool for the job; you wouldn't use a screwdriver if you needed to dig a grave. The problem arises if we start making judgments on what it means to give specific types of service to another. If I am functioning as a Dominant, but I need someone who is physically or intellectually strong to achieve my goals, I don't believe I am less dominant for this, nor is the other person less submissive because they are powerful in my service.

An added element to remember is that we all have EVERY facet included within us. Sometimes we polish up one facet more than others or prefer to exist within a singular facet as a comfort zone. But this does not mean that we do not have the possibility of all things still inside of us. And often helping our "other" calls us to develop those facets which we have not yet explored and we are able to grow through our service.

The third goal is service to our chosen world. We all put energy into a world in which we want to live. Many people do not realize the power their service has to change their surroundings. However if we study history, we see people or groups of people who have transformed their surroundings simply because they were unsatisfied by what they had, could envision something else, and had the ability to implement that vision (usually with the help of other people with whom they shared that vision).

Whatever world we chose, we serve. Sometimes we accept the world others have chosen, and our energy or our apathy serves to continue that world. Sometimes we choose otherwise. But in the end, everyone is given the ability to choose.

I think if we can clarify for ourselves what our service is on all three levels, then we can know if other people can be helpful to us or we can be helpful to other people. And whatever our service looks like, it is still service. However we get our needs met, we are still getting our needs met. Whatever we name ourselves, however we identify, we are still utterly complex and wonderful. We can choose not to serve or to serve.

And once we have chosen to serve freely, then we can choose to whom/what/how we will be applying our power.

Your Words

Perhaps it's ironic that I am using the written form to talk about this... perhaps it's an occupational hazard to be preoccupied with the word.

I have always believed that the word is powerful. It can shape your thinking, your actions, your future. It can reveal your subconscious thoughts and deeply held beliefs. It can be used for healing and as a weapon. And as the more cynical among us know, it can also be used as subterfuge to hide what is real.

I'm not writing anything new here. People will know all of this. It was just brought into extreme focus for me during an interaction I had this weekend. I was working with a woman (Hollywood type who was "taking time off to get her ducks in a row")who kept spouting the mantras of being positive, affirming one's own success, and creating a compelling future vision. These are all things I myself have repeated at different times in my life. Then she mentioned that she had been told by a shaman that she should practice "radical compassion" in her life, and she felt like this was just the breath of fresh air she needed in her hectic day. She said that she had been practicing this and felt she really had a handle on what the woman meant.

It soon became apparent, however, as I watched her interact with several people with nothing short of contempt and anger, that she had no real notion of what it meant to be compassionate. I am not saying that compassion equals "doormat," but that one's sincere concern for the well-being of others is a gift, even if you cannot do anything for their condition. To make matters worse, it soon became apparent that my non-participation in her interactions had been taken by her as a sign that I agreed with her world view.

The most contemptible moment came when she was discussing a gentleman who had visited. She said she had seen him earlier walking through a park with another man, who she was sure was "more than just a cigarette to him," which she added a conspiratorial wink just so I would 'get' her comment.

I was stunned. I was suddenly remembering the voice-over dialogue from the theatrical release of Blade Runner where Deckard says of his Captain, "He was the kind of cop who used to call black men niggers." What kind of person who says they are enlightened and can practice radical anything says something like this?

I suddenly saw that no matter what she might say, she was harboring anti-gay sentiments. If she had not been, all she would have had to say was that she saw him walking with someone who might have been his boyfriend. Or she could have said nothing at all concerning his personal life and stayed in the professional bounds of conversation.

I felt energetically dirty after being in her presence. And it made me even more resolved to check my alignment on my words and actions.

I may also be taking a pause and making sure I'm coming from an authentic place when I'm talking about the mantras as opposed to regurgitating them in a judgmental, intellectually/spiritually 'superior' way. It makes me think that what is most useful in proselytizing things like positivity, compassion, and acceptance is just practicing them and acting as a good example.

So in this case, don't take my word for it... watch what I do. And if it looks like I'm failing to practice what I preach, maybe I just need a gentle reminder to re-read what I just wrote...

Free Will and Fate

Do you love the ocean less because you cannot control it? Or do you build the most sea-worthy ship you are capable of making and let her carry you to some new shore?

As of late, letting go and submitting to the will of the universe has been difficult. Hearing the small, still voice inside of me is even harder, as my fraught mind has been spinning (and there isn't enough WD40 available to quiet that squeaking wheel).

All of the spiritual texts say that you need to find the flow and become one with it. Some of those texts say we "co-create" our lives with the powers that are at work in the universe. Some say God helps those who help themselves. Some say that we have been given ultimate power to choose (though often we choose not to).

For those who do not believe in an "active universe," perhaps the findings of psychologists who talk about "flow state" can be more compelling. We find that when we are in that state of being, we are totally immersed in/focused on an activity and our emotions are channeled into/positively energized by the task. It is almost a rapturous state. And to be barred from that flow can cause ennui, depression, and anxiety.

In order to have my life working in a way that seems most effective/positive, I have found that I have to be taking some action on my own behalf. But I also need to be quiet enough in my mind to listen to both my own intuition and to the whispers of the universe. And I need to honor those activities that put me in a state of flow with myself. And finally, I have to honor those calls to flow which the universe makes on my behalf.

Sometimes when we serve, we are granted the flow state. Usually it is when we serve someone or something which we deeply love or to which we are deeply devoted. In that state, we often lose track of ourselves, so focused are we on the task or the object of our service.

I have been struggling lately to find the routes which lead me to flow and to trust that those things on the physical level I need (food, rent, creative projects, hot sex) will be added to that. But I get scared. I am sometimes unable to find flow with the universe. I struggle, and instead of floating in the water, I begin to drown...

It is hard to have faith. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way, has a phrase that I often hearken back to... "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." I used to wonder why she hadn't used the word "disbelief" instead, but I think now I have an inkling. I truly believe in a supportive/active universe. Disbelief seems to mean a barring of existence, a negation. I don't feel that way. But sometimes, I don't know how it's all working, if it's working, or if it's working for everyone else just not me. I have become weak in my faith because I have been beaten by the waves of the ocean. I have been disappointed. Things have not worked. I do not know what is next. The waves have washed salt into my eyes and I cannot see...

At this point, I am called to submit on a soul level while still remaining an active agent in the physical world. But I need help bolstering my faith. I need sustenance in those moments when I do not negate the universe, but I cannot actively and totally believe on my own behalf. And so I repeat the phrase, "Help my unbelief."

When we sit by the metaphorical fire and tell stories of how we made it through these times, they will be great tales, probably with quite a lot of humor. But in the midst of our tossing about on the ocean, it is sometimes harder to see what's funny about all of this.

All that I can hope now is that by choosing to sail this ocean, and to build as sea-worthy a vessel as I am capable, that the wind and the waves will carry me to a better shore than that which I myself may have charted.


"Repression is not the way to virtue. When people restrain themselves out of fear, their lives are by necessity diminished. Only through freely chosen discipline can life be enjoyed and still kept within the bounds of reason." -Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi