"The salvation of the world depends on me." --A Course in Miracles
I am looking at what is going on today in the political landscape, and it reminds me that individual people can be powerful. In this case, I believe that a small number of people in Congress (80) which represent 18% of the US population, are causing the wheels of government to stop turning. It may seem on the surface that they are faithfully representing their demographics, but I see behind them a faction who is overjoyed at the chains that are being put on the government while they are allowed free-reign. I see that the common people are being told they are being served while instead they are being used as an excuse for the deeds of a faction that does not have their best interests at heart.
And I watch as common citizens repeat talking points they have heard from politicians and news organizations and social media feeds, but about which they have no understanding. They talk about laws they don't understand as if they knew, but they have not read the laws, nor do they intend to. And to be honest, bureaucracy has made it almost impossible to read the legal documents that directly affect our lives.
I am reminded of Orwell's Animal Farm, where the pigs take over by exploiting feelings of oppression of the other animals. At first, all animals are taught to read, and a list of commandments are made. The most important is the commandment that, "All animals are equal." But over time, the pigs start to take advantage of the others, making it less important that the other's know their rights, and finally, when no animals can read or remember what the commandments once said, they refine the most important one to read, "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others."
I worry that people in our society have forgotten why it's important to be educated and to stay invested in the smaller and larger communities. In the end, we all affect one another with our actions, even if we don't immediately understand why that is the case.
It took me a while to understand the power of the quote from A Course in Miracles. At first I thought that it was a hugely self-centered idea. How am I soooooo important that the salvation of the world depends on me? Am I Superwoman? Am I the Pope? Did I become responsible for every human being over night and no one told me? I must think I'm some hot shit...
But I've gotten a better understanding of it since then. If this statement is true for everyone reading the text, then it becomes each person's responsibility. We are all tasked with the same thing, we are all invested in the outcome equally. And if that is the case, then all of us are special and none of us are special. If it "takes a village," then in this case, we are all coming together in the synthesis of community. If we are all taking responsibility for our fellow humans, then lots of other someone's are looking out for us while we look out for them.
I know some of you are tired because you feel as though you've been the older sibling type and caring for others your whole life. And you feel as though no one has cared for you. You may feel as though you've been invested in politics and no one else cares. You may feel as though your community is apathetic. And unfortunately, you would not be wrong...
But in the end, our apathy in response to this has allowed groups of people who do not love us or care about our political/economic/spiritual health to make decisions for us. Because we could not bother to be invested ourselves we have let those who only want power and fame to shape our lives.
If we try to use the Kantian Categorical Imperative here, imagine a world in which no one took on the responsibility of creating salvation for the world. Where no one took it upon themselves to do acts of betterment for their fellow men. There would be no aid for the poor or the elderly or the sick. There would only be self-interest, and not the enlightened self-interest which believes that good things for you bring good things for me.
There have always been issues in politics with money and power, and exploitation of ignorance. But I think in the long run, we have to support "the right thing."
Some of you might have bristled at the use of "the right thing" in this context, but I assure you this isn't a mandate of specific action, nor is it an endorsement of a particular political party. It is the call for us to become educated, to ensure the education of those who come after us, to understand those elements of politics which were created to protect those who have been disenfranchised or who are weak politically/economically/spiritually.
I want us all to talk about these things as well educated individuals who have taken time to think about matters which concern ourselves, our communities, and our world. I want us to see the propaganda from all sides for what it is, and have discourse which uses our own voices and not one in which we are the sock puppets of hidden hands.
And most of all, when we consider what is public policy, I would like us to feel the weight and importance we have. I want us to understand the ripples of our impact. And I want us to know that the salvation of the world depends on all of us.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Earning It
I think there is a certain delusion about what happens when you put yourself out into the world as a Dominant. No matter who tells you how much hard work it is to be a Dominant or a Master, you really don’t believe them fully. And even if you know logically that it is, or you’ve trained under great Masters, you still hold firmly onto the belief that it won’t be that difficult for you to become a Dominant. After all, you practiced your “hard skills” of flogging and spanking until you were flawless, didn’t you? But perhaps the level or type of hard work that’s necessary may not be the kind you thought it was…
I’m going to tell you that the things that I have struggled with the most as I’ve worked on my personal mastery are as follows:
1. Getting rid of my Ego,
2. Learning to take feedback and criticism without shutting down, and
3. Developing a willingness to make myself and my life not just workable but outstanding.
But how does this relate specifically to becoming a Dominant? Isn’t this all just about beating someone or getting to tell them what to do? Sort of… but that’s just the tip of the iceberg if you want to have real relationships with real people.
I think that the delusion of “easy dominance” persists because we see a lot of people who call themselves Dominants who don’t particularly inspire awe. We begin to think, “Well, if Sir-so-and-so can do it, why can’t I?” Sometimes this is because we see Dominants who don’t even look as though they have their own lives together, let alone being able to whip someone else’s life into shape. We judge (fairly or unfairly) their ability to lead by outer markers. They are out of shape, their cars are falling apart, and they don’t have two cents to rub together. If a crisis was happening, they would be the last person you might think could help you. They may be brilliant and kind and compassionate, but they are failing in the other life-skills.
I have also seen some Dominants who are stellar at getting other people’s worlds working who upon further scrutiny are hopeless at getting their own put together or who sacrifice their own good consistently for the good of those who serve them or for their community (and don’t require reciprocity or are not willing to receive help when it is offered). While this is great for the submissive/slave/community for a while, this is not so great for the prosperity, longevity, and success of the Dominant (and in the long run, not a great deal to those in a relationship as they lose out on what a fully actualized and well cared for Dominant might have given them).
When I first started my journey toward mastery, I knew I was fairly smart, kind, and had good communications skills. But I didn’t realize how much all of these would be tested. And I also didn’t realize that even though I might whine that it isn’t fair to be judged by the outer success of my life, that in the end, it was a valid critique.
I had to put down my Ego for a moment and really listen to what people said in feedback. I am not perfect. But a slave would need to be able to trust me. And not just emotionally. They would also need to trust that if they put their economic world in my hands, that I would be a good steward of those resources. And how could I get them to trust me when it was obvious I didn’t have my own financial world in order? I could say “trust me,” but how reasonable is it for me to expect them to do that? If a financial advisor said this to you, you would proceed with caution and you’d expect to see a portfolio or some sort of track record. But often when we are asked as Dominants (and as people) to show why we should be trusted, we get mad. Our Ego makes us get up on our hind-legs and makes things come out of our mouths like, “you just must not be a real submissive/slave” or “I told you that you needed to work on your surrender.” And even if we don’t say that, we THINK it…
Because wouldn’t it be easier if the problem was that our submissives or slaves just weren’t doing it right? Wouldn’t it be easier if the burden of proof weren’t necessary? Wouldn’t it be easier if they just gave us a badge that said DOMINANT and all of the perks magically appeared with it?
What I came to realize is that if I want someone who’s exceptional to be in my life, I need to earn that by being exceptional in return. We may not be perfect, but all of us need to really be committed to that push toward being better than we have been in the past. And the true relationship is interdependent, and I am made better by those who serve me, they are made better by my service to them. And the highest service we can do for one another is to see the potential in each other, to grant each other grace for our imperfections, and to lift each other up.
So as a person who aspires to mastery, I need people who can gently (and with great compassion) show me where I am lacking and also show me where I am mighty. And I need to take both of those pieces of information with as little Ego as I can. Because being mighty is not being filled with Ego, nor is having lack a terrible indictment of self. Both are merely informational. If I try to deny either, or let the delusion stand, great harm can occur.
One who does not recognize their might can treat it with disregard and not just fail to do the great things they were capable of doing, but do actual injury. And one who does not recognize (and fix) the lacking will eventually fail when they otherwise might have been victorious.
I hate being wrong. I hate being weak. I hate the things in my life which are obviously a train-wreck. But I have to be strong enough to admit to those things, to be brave enough to let others see those things (when I desperately want to hide them), and I have to have the willingness to work towards changing that which I have power to change. I have to be willing to stand before a submissive/slave and hear what is true without blaming them or trying to defend why things are ok (when they obviously aren’t). And I have to do it all while remaining emotionally open and vulnerable. It’s really hard personal work.
But in the end, I think it’s worth it. Both for myself, my life, and for the lives of those who are involved with me.
And although I’d love to have been handed that Dominant badge without having to work for it, somehow I think I’m happier having had to earn it…
I’m going to tell you that the things that I have struggled with the most as I’ve worked on my personal mastery are as follows:
1. Getting rid of my Ego,
2. Learning to take feedback and criticism without shutting down, and
3. Developing a willingness to make myself and my life not just workable but outstanding.
But how does this relate specifically to becoming a Dominant? Isn’t this all just about beating someone or getting to tell them what to do? Sort of… but that’s just the tip of the iceberg if you want to have real relationships with real people.
I think that the delusion of “easy dominance” persists because we see a lot of people who call themselves Dominants who don’t particularly inspire awe. We begin to think, “Well, if Sir-so-and-so can do it, why can’t I?” Sometimes this is because we see Dominants who don’t even look as though they have their own lives together, let alone being able to whip someone else’s life into shape. We judge (fairly or unfairly) their ability to lead by outer markers. They are out of shape, their cars are falling apart, and they don’t have two cents to rub together. If a crisis was happening, they would be the last person you might think could help you. They may be brilliant and kind and compassionate, but they are failing in the other life-skills.
I have also seen some Dominants who are stellar at getting other people’s worlds working who upon further scrutiny are hopeless at getting their own put together or who sacrifice their own good consistently for the good of those who serve them or for their community (and don’t require reciprocity or are not willing to receive help when it is offered). While this is great for the submissive/slave/community for a while, this is not so great for the prosperity, longevity, and success of the Dominant (and in the long run, not a great deal to those in a relationship as they lose out on what a fully actualized and well cared for Dominant might have given them).
When I first started my journey toward mastery, I knew I was fairly smart, kind, and had good communications skills. But I didn’t realize how much all of these would be tested. And I also didn’t realize that even though I might whine that it isn’t fair to be judged by the outer success of my life, that in the end, it was a valid critique.
I had to put down my Ego for a moment and really listen to what people said in feedback. I am not perfect. But a slave would need to be able to trust me. And not just emotionally. They would also need to trust that if they put their economic world in my hands, that I would be a good steward of those resources. And how could I get them to trust me when it was obvious I didn’t have my own financial world in order? I could say “trust me,” but how reasonable is it for me to expect them to do that? If a financial advisor said this to you, you would proceed with caution and you’d expect to see a portfolio or some sort of track record. But often when we are asked as Dominants (and as people) to show why we should be trusted, we get mad. Our Ego makes us get up on our hind-legs and makes things come out of our mouths like, “you just must not be a real submissive/slave” or “I told you that you needed to work on your surrender.” And even if we don’t say that, we THINK it…
Because wouldn’t it be easier if the problem was that our submissives or slaves just weren’t doing it right? Wouldn’t it be easier if the burden of proof weren’t necessary? Wouldn’t it be easier if they just gave us a badge that said DOMINANT and all of the perks magically appeared with it?
What I came to realize is that if I want someone who’s exceptional to be in my life, I need to earn that by being exceptional in return. We may not be perfect, but all of us need to really be committed to that push toward being better than we have been in the past. And the true relationship is interdependent, and I am made better by those who serve me, they are made better by my service to them. And the highest service we can do for one another is to see the potential in each other, to grant each other grace for our imperfections, and to lift each other up.
So as a person who aspires to mastery, I need people who can gently (and with great compassion) show me where I am lacking and also show me where I am mighty. And I need to take both of those pieces of information with as little Ego as I can. Because being mighty is not being filled with Ego, nor is having lack a terrible indictment of self. Both are merely informational. If I try to deny either, or let the delusion stand, great harm can occur.
One who does not recognize their might can treat it with disregard and not just fail to do the great things they were capable of doing, but do actual injury. And one who does not recognize (and fix) the lacking will eventually fail when they otherwise might have been victorious.
I hate being wrong. I hate being weak. I hate the things in my life which are obviously a train-wreck. But I have to be strong enough to admit to those things, to be brave enough to let others see those things (when I desperately want to hide them), and I have to have the willingness to work towards changing that which I have power to change. I have to be willing to stand before a submissive/slave and hear what is true without blaming them or trying to defend why things are ok (when they obviously aren’t). And I have to do it all while remaining emotionally open and vulnerable. It’s really hard personal work.
But in the end, I think it’s worth it. Both for myself, my life, and for the lives of those who are involved with me.
And although I’d love to have been handed that Dominant badge without having to work for it, somehow I think I’m happier having had to earn it…
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Service, On All Sides
When we serve we are no longer submissive or Dominant, Master or slave, but we are a human serving another human, serving ourselves, and our chosen world.
I think that we get very distracted by what service is supposed to look like and what traits we are supposed to be showing during that service. There is a lot of rhetoric when it comes to what a Dominant (or submissive) is "supposed" to do, how they should look, how they should speak or command/receive commands. And of course, there is a lot of rhetoric on who should be "in service" and what that should look like.
This rhetoric in kink causes cognitive dissonance when we see a fairly mild-mannered looking person wearing regular clothes who is not at all surly, bossy, or intimidating who calls himself a Master. We also have some automatic responses when we see women who call themselves Masters, sometimes merely for the fact that they are women and possibly not overly-sexualized. We also have this dissonance when we see a sub/slave who is powerful, unapologetically direct in speech and demeanor, and who does not immediately take on a submissive role when in the presence of a Dominant.
To further complicate the matter, when we dive into the realm of SM, we find that there are Dominants who enjoy receiving pain/play and submissives who enjoy being sadists and giving pain/play. I have often heard Dominants who say with derision, "I don't bottom," as if this were the most demeaning thing they can think of enduring. It's not so much a person's decision that they don't enjoy bottoming that I take offense to, it is the implication that one cannot be dominant and bottom and that bottoming is somehow only done by those who are "less than."
Although it is helpful to have broad categories which are useful to talk about how we enjoy being in the world, I would like to suggest that we move more quickly into the realm of specifics with people so that we can see each other as the incredibly complicated creatures that we are.
It does not serve us to maintain stereotypical notions of who we should be and what we should want, because that keeps us from having real relationships with real people. And it also keeps us from getting what we truly want and need from our lives. What is the point of breaking chains of vanilla convention if you are then bound by no less restrictive conventions of the kink world?
What I would like is for us to widen the paradigms we use. We all know the phrase "in service." I suggest that it would be of more use if we applied it to all of our relationships, regardless of our D/s or M/s status. Therefore, I am suggesting that we use the three goals of service which follow to start widening our perspective.
The first goal is service to ourselves. We must put energy and focus on pursuing self-actualization and caring for ourselves and our overall health. As Princess Bride's Count Rugen says, "If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything." If we are not taking care of ourselves, we will not have a renewable resource to give to others. If we do not become what is our highest potential, then we are not fulfilling what we are on this earth to do/be. What amazing things could you do if you were accessing all of yourself and your skills/abilities?
The second goal is service to another human. We look for those things which our chosen "other(s)" need/desire and we see how we are best suited to helping them attain that which they seek. We also see how they might help us meet our own needs as well. We often look for that sort of one-to-one reciprocity first and judge how well we are suited for a relationship based on our answers to those questions.
This is possibly where the Dominant or submissive tendencies can help us, as sometimes what our other needs only one fulfilling a dominant/submissive role can give. This is like the right tool for the job; you wouldn't use a screwdriver if you needed to dig a grave. The problem arises if we start making judgments on what it means to give specific types of service to another. If I am functioning as a Dominant, but I need someone who is physically or intellectually strong to achieve my goals, I don't believe I am less dominant for this, nor is the other person less submissive because they are powerful in my service.
An added element to remember is that we all have EVERY facet included within us. Sometimes we polish up one facet more than others or prefer to exist within a singular facet as a comfort zone. But this does not mean that we do not have the possibility of all things still inside of us. And often helping our "other" calls us to develop those facets which we have not yet explored and we are able to grow through our service.
The third goal is service to our chosen world. We all put energy into a world in which we want to live. Many people do not realize the power their service has to change their surroundings. However if we study history, we see people or groups of people who have transformed their surroundings simply because they were unsatisfied by what they had, could envision something else, and had the ability to implement that vision (usually with the help of other people with whom they shared that vision).
Whatever world we chose, we serve. Sometimes we accept the world others have chosen, and our energy or our apathy serves to continue that world. Sometimes we choose otherwise. But in the end, everyone is given the ability to choose.
I think if we can clarify for ourselves what our service is on all three levels, then we can know if other people can be helpful to us or we can be helpful to other people. And whatever our service looks like, it is still service. However we get our needs met, we are still getting our needs met. Whatever we name ourselves, however we identify, we are still utterly complex and wonderful. We can choose not to serve or to serve.
And once we have chosen to serve freely, then we can choose to whom/what/how we will be applying our power.
I think that we get very distracted by what service is supposed to look like and what traits we are supposed to be showing during that service. There is a lot of rhetoric when it comes to what a Dominant (or submissive) is "supposed" to do, how they should look, how they should speak or command/receive commands. And of course, there is a lot of rhetoric on who should be "in service" and what that should look like.
This rhetoric in kink causes cognitive dissonance when we see a fairly mild-mannered looking person wearing regular clothes who is not at all surly, bossy, or intimidating who calls himself a Master. We also have some automatic responses when we see women who call themselves Masters, sometimes merely for the fact that they are women and possibly not overly-sexualized. We also have this dissonance when we see a sub/slave who is powerful, unapologetically direct in speech and demeanor, and who does not immediately take on a submissive role when in the presence of a Dominant.
To further complicate the matter, when we dive into the realm of SM, we find that there are Dominants who enjoy receiving pain/play and submissives who enjoy being sadists and giving pain/play. I have often heard Dominants who say with derision, "I don't bottom," as if this were the most demeaning thing they can think of enduring. It's not so much a person's decision that they don't enjoy bottoming that I take offense to, it is the implication that one cannot be dominant and bottom and that bottoming is somehow only done by those who are "less than."
Although it is helpful to have broad categories which are useful to talk about how we enjoy being in the world, I would like to suggest that we move more quickly into the realm of specifics with people so that we can see each other as the incredibly complicated creatures that we are.
It does not serve us to maintain stereotypical notions of who we should be and what we should want, because that keeps us from having real relationships with real people. And it also keeps us from getting what we truly want and need from our lives. What is the point of breaking chains of vanilla convention if you are then bound by no less restrictive conventions of the kink world?
What I would like is for us to widen the paradigms we use. We all know the phrase "in service." I suggest that it would be of more use if we applied it to all of our relationships, regardless of our D/s or M/s status. Therefore, I am suggesting that we use the three goals of service which follow to start widening our perspective.
The first goal is service to ourselves. We must put energy and focus on pursuing self-actualization and caring for ourselves and our overall health. As Princess Bride's Count Rugen says, "If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything." If we are not taking care of ourselves, we will not have a renewable resource to give to others. If we do not become what is our highest potential, then we are not fulfilling what we are on this earth to do/be. What amazing things could you do if you were accessing all of yourself and your skills/abilities?
The second goal is service to another human. We look for those things which our chosen "other(s)" need/desire and we see how we are best suited to helping them attain that which they seek. We also see how they might help us meet our own needs as well. We often look for that sort of one-to-one reciprocity first and judge how well we are suited for a relationship based on our answers to those questions.
This is possibly where the Dominant or submissive tendencies can help us, as sometimes what our other needs only one fulfilling a dominant/submissive role can give. This is like the right tool for the job; you wouldn't use a screwdriver if you needed to dig a grave. The problem arises if we start making judgments on what it means to give specific types of service to another. If I am functioning as a Dominant, but I need someone who is physically or intellectually strong to achieve my goals, I don't believe I am less dominant for this, nor is the other person less submissive because they are powerful in my service.
An added element to remember is that we all have EVERY facet included within us. Sometimes we polish up one facet more than others or prefer to exist within a singular facet as a comfort zone. But this does not mean that we do not have the possibility of all things still inside of us. And often helping our "other" calls us to develop those facets which we have not yet explored and we are able to grow through our service.
The third goal is service to our chosen world. We all put energy into a world in which we want to live. Many people do not realize the power their service has to change their surroundings. However if we study history, we see people or groups of people who have transformed their surroundings simply because they were unsatisfied by what they had, could envision something else, and had the ability to implement that vision (usually with the help of other people with whom they shared that vision).
Whatever world we chose, we serve. Sometimes we accept the world others have chosen, and our energy or our apathy serves to continue that world. Sometimes we choose otherwise. But in the end, everyone is given the ability to choose.
I think if we can clarify for ourselves what our service is on all three levels, then we can know if other people can be helpful to us or we can be helpful to other people. And whatever our service looks like, it is still service. However we get our needs met, we are still getting our needs met. Whatever we name ourselves, however we identify, we are still utterly complex and wonderful. We can choose not to serve or to serve.
And once we have chosen to serve freely, then we can choose to whom/what/how we will be applying our power.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Your Words
Perhaps it's ironic that I am using the written form to talk about this... perhaps it's an occupational hazard to be preoccupied with the word.
I have always believed that the word is powerful. It can shape your thinking, your actions, your future. It can reveal your subconscious thoughts and deeply held beliefs. It can be used for healing and as a weapon. And as the more cynical among us know, it can also be used as subterfuge to hide what is real.
I'm not writing anything new here. People will know all of this. It was just brought into extreme focus for me during an interaction I had this weekend. I was working with a woman (Hollywood type who was "taking time off to get her ducks in a row")who kept spouting the mantras of being positive, affirming one's own success, and creating a compelling future vision. These are all things I myself have repeated at different times in my life. Then she mentioned that she had been told by a shaman that she should practice "radical compassion" in her life, and she felt like this was just the breath of fresh air she needed in her hectic day. She said that she had been practicing this and felt she really had a handle on what the woman meant.
It soon became apparent, however, as I watched her interact with several people with nothing short of contempt and anger, that she had no real notion of what it meant to be compassionate. I am not saying that compassion equals "doormat," but that one's sincere concern for the well-being of others is a gift, even if you cannot do anything for their condition. To make matters worse, it soon became apparent that my non-participation in her interactions had been taken by her as a sign that I agreed with her world view.
The most contemptible moment came when she was discussing a gentleman who had visited. She said she had seen him earlier walking through a park with another man, who she was sure was "more than just a cigarette to him," which she added a conspiratorial wink just so I would 'get' her comment.
I was stunned. I was suddenly remembering the voice-over dialogue from the theatrical release of Blade Runner where Deckard says of his Captain, "He was the kind of cop who used to call black men niggers." What kind of person who says they are enlightened and can practice radical anything says something like this?
I suddenly saw that no matter what she might say, she was harboring anti-gay sentiments. If she had not been, all she would have had to say was that she saw him walking with someone who might have been his boyfriend. Or she could have said nothing at all concerning his personal life and stayed in the professional bounds of conversation.
I felt energetically dirty after being in her presence. And it made me even more resolved to check my alignment on my words and actions.
I may also be taking a pause and making sure I'm coming from an authentic place when I'm talking about the mantras as opposed to regurgitating them in a judgmental, intellectually/spiritually 'superior' way. It makes me think that what is most useful in proselytizing things like positivity, compassion, and acceptance is just practicing them and acting as a good example.
So in this case, don't take my word for it... watch what I do. And if it looks like I'm failing to practice what I preach, maybe I just need a gentle reminder to re-read what I just wrote...
I have always believed that the word is powerful. It can shape your thinking, your actions, your future. It can reveal your subconscious thoughts and deeply held beliefs. It can be used for healing and as a weapon. And as the more cynical among us know, it can also be used as subterfuge to hide what is real.
I'm not writing anything new here. People will know all of this. It was just brought into extreme focus for me during an interaction I had this weekend. I was working with a woman (Hollywood type who was "taking time off to get her ducks in a row")who kept spouting the mantras of being positive, affirming one's own success, and creating a compelling future vision. These are all things I myself have repeated at different times in my life. Then she mentioned that she had been told by a shaman that she should practice "radical compassion" in her life, and she felt like this was just the breath of fresh air she needed in her hectic day. She said that she had been practicing this and felt she really had a handle on what the woman meant.
It soon became apparent, however, as I watched her interact with several people with nothing short of contempt and anger, that she had no real notion of what it meant to be compassionate. I am not saying that compassion equals "doormat," but that one's sincere concern for the well-being of others is a gift, even if you cannot do anything for their condition. To make matters worse, it soon became apparent that my non-participation in her interactions had been taken by her as a sign that I agreed with her world view.
The most contemptible moment came when she was discussing a gentleman who had visited. She said she had seen him earlier walking through a park with another man, who she was sure was "more than just a cigarette to him," which she added a conspiratorial wink just so I would 'get' her comment.
I was stunned. I was suddenly remembering the voice-over dialogue from the theatrical release of Blade Runner where Deckard says of his Captain, "He was the kind of cop who used to call black men niggers." What kind of person who says they are enlightened and can practice radical anything says something like this?
I suddenly saw that no matter what she might say, she was harboring anti-gay sentiments. If she had not been, all she would have had to say was that she saw him walking with someone who might have been his boyfriend. Or she could have said nothing at all concerning his personal life and stayed in the professional bounds of conversation.
I felt energetically dirty after being in her presence. And it made me even more resolved to check my alignment on my words and actions.
I may also be taking a pause and making sure I'm coming from an authentic place when I'm talking about the mantras as opposed to regurgitating them in a judgmental, intellectually/spiritually 'superior' way. It makes me think that what is most useful in proselytizing things like positivity, compassion, and acceptance is just practicing them and acting as a good example.
So in this case, don't take my word for it... watch what I do. And if it looks like I'm failing to practice what I preach, maybe I just need a gentle reminder to re-read what I just wrote...
Monday, June 17, 2013
Free Will and Fate
Do you love the ocean less because you cannot control it? Or do you build the most sea-worthy ship you are capable of making and let her carry you to some new shore?
As of late, letting go and submitting to the will of the universe has been difficult. Hearing the small, still voice inside of me is even harder, as my fraught mind has been spinning (and there isn't enough WD40 available to quiet that squeaking wheel).
All of the spiritual texts say that you need to find the flow and become one with it. Some of those texts say we "co-create" our lives with the powers that are at work in the universe. Some say God helps those who help themselves. Some say that we have been given ultimate power to choose (though often we choose not to).
For those who do not believe in an "active universe," perhaps the findings of psychologists who talk about "flow state" can be more compelling. We find that when we are in that state of being, we are totally immersed in/focused on an activity and our emotions are channeled into/positively energized by the task. It is almost a rapturous state. And to be barred from that flow can cause ennui, depression, and anxiety.
In order to have my life working in a way that seems most effective/positive, I have found that I have to be taking some action on my own behalf. But I also need to be quiet enough in my mind to listen to both my own intuition and to the whispers of the universe. And I need to honor those activities that put me in a state of flow with myself. And finally, I have to honor those calls to flow which the universe makes on my behalf.
Sometimes when we serve, we are granted the flow state. Usually it is when we serve someone or something which we deeply love or to which we are deeply devoted. In that state, we often lose track of ourselves, so focused are we on the task or the object of our service.
I have been struggling lately to find the routes which lead me to flow and to trust that those things on the physical level I need (food, rent, creative projects, hot sex) will be added to that. But I get scared. I am sometimes unable to find flow with the universe. I struggle, and instead of floating in the water, I begin to drown...
It is hard to have faith. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way, has a phrase that I often hearken back to... "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." I used to wonder why she hadn't used the word "disbelief" instead, but I think now I have an inkling. I truly believe in a supportive/active universe. Disbelief seems to mean a barring of existence, a negation. I don't feel that way. But sometimes, I don't know how it's all working, if it's working, or if it's working for everyone else just not me. I have become weak in my faith because I have been beaten by the waves of the ocean. I have been disappointed. Things have not worked. I do not know what is next. The waves have washed salt into my eyes and I cannot see...
At this point, I am called to submit on a soul level while still remaining an active agent in the physical world. But I need help bolstering my faith. I need sustenance in those moments when I do not negate the universe, but I cannot actively and totally believe on my own behalf. And so I repeat the phrase, "Help my unbelief."
When we sit by the metaphorical fire and tell stories of how we made it through these times, they will be great tales, probably with quite a lot of humor. But in the midst of our tossing about on the ocean, it is sometimes harder to see what's funny about all of this.
All that I can hope now is that by choosing to sail this ocean, and to build as sea-worthy a vessel as I am capable, that the wind and the waves will carry me to a better shore than that which I myself may have charted.
"Repression is not the way to virtue. When people restrain themselves out of fear, their lives are by necessity diminished. Only through freely chosen discipline can life be enjoyed and still kept within the bounds of reason." -Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
As of late, letting go and submitting to the will of the universe has been difficult. Hearing the small, still voice inside of me is even harder, as my fraught mind has been spinning (and there isn't enough WD40 available to quiet that squeaking wheel).
All of the spiritual texts say that you need to find the flow and become one with it. Some of those texts say we "co-create" our lives with the powers that are at work in the universe. Some say God helps those who help themselves. Some say that we have been given ultimate power to choose (though often we choose not to).
For those who do not believe in an "active universe," perhaps the findings of psychologists who talk about "flow state" can be more compelling. We find that when we are in that state of being, we are totally immersed in/focused on an activity and our emotions are channeled into/positively energized by the task. It is almost a rapturous state. And to be barred from that flow can cause ennui, depression, and anxiety.
In order to have my life working in a way that seems most effective/positive, I have found that I have to be taking some action on my own behalf. But I also need to be quiet enough in my mind to listen to both my own intuition and to the whispers of the universe. And I need to honor those activities that put me in a state of flow with myself. And finally, I have to honor those calls to flow which the universe makes on my behalf.
Sometimes when we serve, we are granted the flow state. Usually it is when we serve someone or something which we deeply love or to which we are deeply devoted. In that state, we often lose track of ourselves, so focused are we on the task or the object of our service.
I have been struggling lately to find the routes which lead me to flow and to trust that those things on the physical level I need (food, rent, creative projects, hot sex) will be added to that. But I get scared. I am sometimes unable to find flow with the universe. I struggle, and instead of floating in the water, I begin to drown...
It is hard to have faith. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way, has a phrase that I often hearken back to... "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." I used to wonder why she hadn't used the word "disbelief" instead, but I think now I have an inkling. I truly believe in a supportive/active universe. Disbelief seems to mean a barring of existence, a negation. I don't feel that way. But sometimes, I don't know how it's all working, if it's working, or if it's working for everyone else just not me. I have become weak in my faith because I have been beaten by the waves of the ocean. I have been disappointed. Things have not worked. I do not know what is next. The waves have washed salt into my eyes and I cannot see...
At this point, I am called to submit on a soul level while still remaining an active agent in the physical world. But I need help bolstering my faith. I need sustenance in those moments when I do not negate the universe, but I cannot actively and totally believe on my own behalf. And so I repeat the phrase, "Help my unbelief."
When we sit by the metaphorical fire and tell stories of how we made it through these times, they will be great tales, probably with quite a lot of humor. But in the midst of our tossing about on the ocean, it is sometimes harder to see what's funny about all of this.
All that I can hope now is that by choosing to sail this ocean, and to build as sea-worthy a vessel as I am capable, that the wind and the waves will carry me to a better shore than that which I myself may have charted.
"Repression is not the way to virtue. When people restrain themselves out of fear, their lives are by necessity diminished. Only through freely chosen discipline can life be enjoyed and still kept within the bounds of reason." -Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Thursday, May 9, 2013
What Compersion Requires
According to Wikipedia, compersion is “an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy.” I often think of this as the opposite of schadenfreude, which means “pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.” We might just as well have used the word empathy instead of compersion, but in this case, we’re specifically talking about it in a sexual or romantic context.
We use compersion in the sexual context to talk about polyamory, and the ability of partners to feel happiness when their partner finds fulfillment with someone else. This is a difficult state for many people in the lifestyle to come to, not because they are not capable of compersion, but because they are not capable of compersion only.
What I mean by this is that most people love their partner and want what’s best for them. They could be happy for their partner’s happiness until some other countering emotion or personal agenda arises. In some cases this is jealousy. In some it’s insecurity. In some, it’s feelings that the power exchange will be weakened. What all of them have at their core is the worry that one will lose their partner.
These roadblocks are different from actually concern about a partner’s mental, emotional, or physical safety. Those are valid points that might make a partner intervene in their significant other’s quest for added fulfillment outside the relationship.
Some of our worry about losing a partner stems from our lizard brain and its instinct for procreation and self-preservation. If we are not allowed to mate, our genetic line will not continue. We also want to guard our mate and keep them from encroaching "others" for the same reason. Many of us lay claim to our mates by ritualistic markings, which can be anything from the wearing of our collars (or wedding rings) to permanent body modifications (things like tattoos, piercings, and brands). It can also be the equivalent of "peeing" on them, marking your territory by making comments which imply ownership or prior commitment.
American marriage vows often include the line "forsaking all others," and it has been an assumption in the general culture that pair bonding is the primary and socially acceptable way to go about having relationships. You may be able to have multiple relationships in your lifetime, but they should be had one at a time.
There are many reasons why pair bonding is seen as a positive thing. First of all, it may be less complicated. Adding partners is an emotionally exponential process; even if the added partners do not know each other, there is still an invisible relationship between them. People assume that if the relationship is "invisible" then it does not cause any connection, but that is incorrect. There are always shifts in the way things are done to accommodate a third (or fourth, etc.), even if the unknowing partner does not realize to what cause the changes may be attributed. There is a sharing of energy and focus if nothing else, let alone the less ephemeral items of time and material resources. In pair bonding, a person only has to worry about a their partner and one set of available resources.
Pair bonding is also supposed to do things like suppress the spread of sexually transmitted disease, encourage socially responsible behavior, and make civil laws less convoluted (if that's possible). However, just because people are in a pair-bonded situation, it doesn't mean that any of those things actually happen.
Because pair bonding is such a "time-honored" condition, we tend to know a lot more about it and how it should be working than we might in polyamorous or polysexual relationships. Compare the number of books in your local bookstore dedicated to non-monogamy as opposed to pair bonding concerns. What you've got, if you're lucky, is a 2/200 ratio. This does not mean they don't exist. In fact, if people actually read the Bible, they'd find a good number of poly relationships therein which were not condemned (or even commented upon) by God (or the writer's of the work). But our culture goes out of its way to scrub much of that sort of information from the general discourse. (god bless the internet for its ability to be less scrub-able).
We run into problems in some situations, however, when we find that pair bonding is not the most fulfilling way of being. For bi-sexual partners, this may be a logical issue to face. But we also know that some people want/need multiple relationships for any number of reasons. Whatever our reasoning, we are then faced with the questions of how to make it all work.
This gets sticky in the BDSM community because your significant other may have given you "ownership rights" and therefore has given you the right to say how they can get their needs met. If you are in a power exchange, it may make the other person feel as though they may lose you to another person if another element comes into the equation.
For others, the very notion that your significant other might need someone else brings about horrible feelings of inadequacy. Why are you not enough? I also often hear that people want to feel special, and if there is not something that you share with your partner only, that you lose that feeling of "specialness."
I'm not saying that all of these feelings and worries aren't understandable. Most of us have lost relationships (not just sexual ones) and are reacting out of the very real fear that we will lose this one as well. But all of this is our personal work. Our partners can help us deal with our emotions and issues, but this is really a conversation that has to be worked out with ourselves.
We have to deal with our inward impediments before we can deal with logistics.
What is it that's getting in the way of our compersion? How does it call for us to dig more deeply within ourselves to do our personal work? How does it ask us to gain confidence from deep inside ourselves where it is not dependent upon an "other"?
This does not mean that after we do our personal work we may not come to the conclusion that non-monogomy is just not for us. Our preferred state may be pair bonded. But it will mean that we will make our choice from a place of true compersion, either way.
We may love the person enough to let them go because we are not really suited sexually, or we may love them enough to let them go to the arms of another. But either way, we will be living out of love and making purposeful, thoughtful decisions.
Compersion requires a letting go of many things, until in the end, there is only love.
We use compersion in the sexual context to talk about polyamory, and the ability of partners to feel happiness when their partner finds fulfillment with someone else. This is a difficult state for many people in the lifestyle to come to, not because they are not capable of compersion, but because they are not capable of compersion only.
What I mean by this is that most people love their partner and want what’s best for them. They could be happy for their partner’s happiness until some other countering emotion or personal agenda arises. In some cases this is jealousy. In some it’s insecurity. In some, it’s feelings that the power exchange will be weakened. What all of them have at their core is the worry that one will lose their partner.
These roadblocks are different from actually concern about a partner’s mental, emotional, or physical safety. Those are valid points that might make a partner intervene in their significant other’s quest for added fulfillment outside the relationship.
Some of our worry about losing a partner stems from our lizard brain and its instinct for procreation and self-preservation. If we are not allowed to mate, our genetic line will not continue. We also want to guard our mate and keep them from encroaching "others" for the same reason. Many of us lay claim to our mates by ritualistic markings, which can be anything from the wearing of our collars (or wedding rings) to permanent body modifications (things like tattoos, piercings, and brands). It can also be the equivalent of "peeing" on them, marking your territory by making comments which imply ownership or prior commitment.
American marriage vows often include the line "forsaking all others," and it has been an assumption in the general culture that pair bonding is the primary and socially acceptable way to go about having relationships. You may be able to have multiple relationships in your lifetime, but they should be had one at a time.
There are many reasons why pair bonding is seen as a positive thing. First of all, it may be less complicated. Adding partners is an emotionally exponential process; even if the added partners do not know each other, there is still an invisible relationship between them. People assume that if the relationship is "invisible" then it does not cause any connection, but that is incorrect. There are always shifts in the way things are done to accommodate a third (or fourth, etc.), even if the unknowing partner does not realize to what cause the changes may be attributed. There is a sharing of energy and focus if nothing else, let alone the less ephemeral items of time and material resources. In pair bonding, a person only has to worry about a their partner and one set of available resources.
Pair bonding is also supposed to do things like suppress the spread of sexually transmitted disease, encourage socially responsible behavior, and make civil laws less convoluted (if that's possible). However, just because people are in a pair-bonded situation, it doesn't mean that any of those things actually happen.
Because pair bonding is such a "time-honored" condition, we tend to know a lot more about it and how it should be working than we might in polyamorous or polysexual relationships. Compare the number of books in your local bookstore dedicated to non-monogamy as opposed to pair bonding concerns. What you've got, if you're lucky, is a 2/200 ratio. This does not mean they don't exist. In fact, if people actually read the Bible, they'd find a good number of poly relationships therein which were not condemned (or even commented upon) by God (or the writer's of the work). But our culture goes out of its way to scrub much of that sort of information from the general discourse. (god bless the internet for its ability to be less scrub-able).
We run into problems in some situations, however, when we find that pair bonding is not the most fulfilling way of being. For bi-sexual partners, this may be a logical issue to face. But we also know that some people want/need multiple relationships for any number of reasons. Whatever our reasoning, we are then faced with the questions of how to make it all work.
This gets sticky in the BDSM community because your significant other may have given you "ownership rights" and therefore has given you the right to say how they can get their needs met. If you are in a power exchange, it may make the other person feel as though they may lose you to another person if another element comes into the equation.
For others, the very notion that your significant other might need someone else brings about horrible feelings of inadequacy. Why are you not enough? I also often hear that people want to feel special, and if there is not something that you share with your partner only, that you lose that feeling of "specialness."
I'm not saying that all of these feelings and worries aren't understandable. Most of us have lost relationships (not just sexual ones) and are reacting out of the very real fear that we will lose this one as well. But all of this is our personal work. Our partners can help us deal with our emotions and issues, but this is really a conversation that has to be worked out with ourselves.
We have to deal with our inward impediments before we can deal with logistics.
What is it that's getting in the way of our compersion? How does it call for us to dig more deeply within ourselves to do our personal work? How does it ask us to gain confidence from deep inside ourselves where it is not dependent upon an "other"?
This does not mean that after we do our personal work we may not come to the conclusion that non-monogomy is just not for us. Our preferred state may be pair bonded. But it will mean that we will make our choice from a place of true compersion, either way.
We may love the person enough to let them go because we are not really suited sexually, or we may love them enough to let them go to the arms of another. But either way, we will be living out of love and making purposeful, thoughtful decisions.
Compersion requires a letting go of many things, until in the end, there is only love.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Fantasy and Fallibility
Failure isn't sexy. Self-doubt is contagious. The ideal always seems better than flawed reality.
In a lifestyle where you can literally be staking your life on your ability to choose play partners, it is understandable that we would all want to choose someone who oozes confidence and has a spotless track record. We want to know that we are safe and that the Top/Dominant/Master can take us where we want to go. We are automatically drawn to those who beat their chests and proclaim their perfection as Mega-Master; confidence breeds confidence.
The only problem is that most Dominants do not spring from Zues's head fully formed. By this I mean that even if one starts out knowing that one is a Dominant, he or she doesn't automatically have the talent and skill level that he/she will one day attain. Dominants must have a way to learn, to practice, and to eventually achieve proficiency (and one day, Mastery). In order for them to get to that point, however, they eventually need to have other people (bottoms/slaves/submissives) who are willing to allow them to practice and try things out, and are willing to have them fail while doing so.
Granted there are ways of minimizing risks while learning in play. But at some point, there needs to be a living being on the other side of the equation for it to be ultimately successful. And with "soft skills," it's always theory until you have relationships in which to put things into practice.
The Lifestyle engenders a lot of swaggering on the part of Dominants because, like any mating call, submissives might not want to be with you if they think you are fallible. So you build a facade of power, splash yourself liberally with some leather-scented pheromones, and start shouting loudly about how awesome is your Dominance. And it works. Why? Because who wouldn't want to be with someone who's perfect?
I imagine this is also why there are a smaller number of Dominants who publicly discuss their path of learning. And I understand that it's not always helpful to hear the 100 ways a Dominant has failed--it's hard to build a strong house on a foundation of failures. But this keeping of our learning curves behind closed doors for the sake of our ego and of our future ability to attract play partners (etc.) does not do anything to help our community with their learning curves.
I know that the best way to learn is probably with a phenomenal Master as a mentor. However, especially if you live in the middle of B.F.E., it's hard to find that mentor figure. You are stuck with what there is to read, watch, and then... what you learn from finding a brave partner willing to let you try things out on them.
And you will fail. Things will go wrong. You will not be as graceful or fierce as you wanted to be. The scene is not good. And you take notes, and you fix things, and you learn.
But what I'd like to say today is that although we go through this state of falling and getting back on the horse, it is not necessarily useful to always look at what is wrong for longer than it takes to learn from it. We all have the tendency to fixate on our faults. But what happens then is that our confidence starts to erode. And our confidence is a necessary factor not only in being attractive to partners, but also to be successful in the things we attempt the next time.
Where focus goes, energy flows. When we focus overly on our weakness, we "invest" in the weakness in ourselves. This is not to say we should be unaware of our faults or try to address our rough spots, but that we cannot make positive progress when that is our major focus.
I have been thinking of this Marianne Williamson quote of late:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."
We have a deep and intrinsic desire to be our highest and most powerful selves (no matter what side of the slash we fall on). But we also have a fear of becoming that. Who would we be? What would it mean? How would others see us if we were REALLY amazing, as opposed to using a facade of amazing to hide our fear and our shortcomings?
I have been struggling to refocus myself, to focus my energy on my strength and becoming closer to me ideal self rather than breaking myself down. I want to point the rudder of my ship toward the unknown shore where fantasy becomes real, is real. But it's hard. And I need practice. And I need to re-calibrate when I go off course, but not focus on the incorrect heading lest I subconsciously drift toward those rocky bluffs.
So that's where I'm at today. We'll see where my ship finds itself tomorrow...
In a lifestyle where you can literally be staking your life on your ability to choose play partners, it is understandable that we would all want to choose someone who oozes confidence and has a spotless track record. We want to know that we are safe and that the Top/Dominant/Master can take us where we want to go. We are automatically drawn to those who beat their chests and proclaim their perfection as Mega-Master; confidence breeds confidence.
The only problem is that most Dominants do not spring from Zues's head fully formed. By this I mean that even if one starts out knowing that one is a Dominant, he or she doesn't automatically have the talent and skill level that he/she will one day attain. Dominants must have a way to learn, to practice, and to eventually achieve proficiency (and one day, Mastery). In order for them to get to that point, however, they eventually need to have other people (bottoms/slaves/submissives) who are willing to allow them to practice and try things out, and are willing to have them fail while doing so.
Granted there are ways of minimizing risks while learning in play. But at some point, there needs to be a living being on the other side of the equation for it to be ultimately successful. And with "soft skills," it's always theory until you have relationships in which to put things into practice.
The Lifestyle engenders a lot of swaggering on the part of Dominants because, like any mating call, submissives might not want to be with you if they think you are fallible. So you build a facade of power, splash yourself liberally with some leather-scented pheromones, and start shouting loudly about how awesome is your Dominance. And it works. Why? Because who wouldn't want to be with someone who's perfect?
I imagine this is also why there are a smaller number of Dominants who publicly discuss their path of learning. And I understand that it's not always helpful to hear the 100 ways a Dominant has failed--it's hard to build a strong house on a foundation of failures. But this keeping of our learning curves behind closed doors for the sake of our ego and of our future ability to attract play partners (etc.) does not do anything to help our community with their learning curves.
I know that the best way to learn is probably with a phenomenal Master as a mentor. However, especially if you live in the middle of B.F.E., it's hard to find that mentor figure. You are stuck with what there is to read, watch, and then... what you learn from finding a brave partner willing to let you try things out on them.
And you will fail. Things will go wrong. You will not be as graceful or fierce as you wanted to be. The scene is not good. And you take notes, and you fix things, and you learn.
But what I'd like to say today is that although we go through this state of falling and getting back on the horse, it is not necessarily useful to always look at what is wrong for longer than it takes to learn from it. We all have the tendency to fixate on our faults. But what happens then is that our confidence starts to erode. And our confidence is a necessary factor not only in being attractive to partners, but also to be successful in the things we attempt the next time.
Where focus goes, energy flows. When we focus overly on our weakness, we "invest" in the weakness in ourselves. This is not to say we should be unaware of our faults or try to address our rough spots, but that we cannot make positive progress when that is our major focus.
I have been thinking of this Marianne Williamson quote of late:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."
We have a deep and intrinsic desire to be our highest and most powerful selves (no matter what side of the slash we fall on). But we also have a fear of becoming that. Who would we be? What would it mean? How would others see us if we were REALLY amazing, as opposed to using a facade of amazing to hide our fear and our shortcomings?
I have been struggling to refocus myself, to focus my energy on my strength and becoming closer to me ideal self rather than breaking myself down. I want to point the rudder of my ship toward the unknown shore where fantasy becomes real, is real. But it's hard. And I need practice. And I need to re-calibrate when I go off course, but not focus on the incorrect heading lest I subconsciously drift toward those rocky bluffs.
So that's where I'm at today. We'll see where my ship finds itself tomorrow...
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Deference
Deference: (noun) Humble submission and respect.
When we are young, we are by default made to give deference to the wishes of others. As we get into the ages where "no" becomes our favorite word, we attempt to impose our own will on the world and the adult rule-makers in our lives. For some of us, that attempt at freedom is successful and we "get our way." For others, the attempt is thwarted and we fall into line with the wishes of others due to fear of reprisal/punishment or promised reward.
When we reach our teens, we often have this power struggle again. Perhaps the parents who have been giving in decide our behavior isn't cute any more and should be punished, or suddenly needs to be controlled. Or perhaps we have been living under an iron thumb and want to be released from that oppression. Again, we may be successful or unsuccessful in our attempts.
When we become adults ourselves, the idea is that we have been given the freedom to make decisions slowly over time giving deference to our own council. The idea is to learn from our mistakes in a safe environment so that by the time we are making all of our own decisions, we will be making reasonably good ones with less chance of catastrophic risk.
Anyone who has been around new college students can attest to the fact that there are a great number who do not seem very well equipped to handle adult freedoms. However many colleges are also set up to have a safety net for problematic decision making on the part of its student body.
In the BDSM Lifestyle, we are often asked to decide who we give our deference to, under what circumstances, and for what periods of time to offer that deference. We think about giving deference to our elders (vanilla and kinky), whether they have really earned our respect or not. It is thought to be polite to give deference to elders unless they show that they are not worthy of that deference.
Those who are looking to have D/s or M/s relationships also have to ask themselves who they want to serve or be served by. In the power exchange, we are either giving deference to someone else's decision making and His/Her authority (and we negotiate what those parameters are) or receiving the responsibility to make decisions for or being the authority figure for someone else. We knowingly choose to submit to the will of others or to have others submit to our will.
I have spent many years in the posture of submission. I am now exploring my Dominance in the world, though I am and will always be in service to the Universe. When I surrendered to that call, it actually gave me the strength and understanding concerning how important it is to listen to not only its council but also to my own.
HOWEVER, listening to one's own council and making decisions from that may be harder than we might think at first. I believe that deferring to oneself and having the confidence to continue that deference is like exercising a muscle that sometimes becomes atrophied. Let me give you a really rudimentary example.
I had a moment one day when I was at a sandwich shop. I had ordered lunch and the woman behind the counter asked me if I wanted it to eat there or "to go." I hadn't decided yet and didn't have strong feelings either way, so the words "either one" slipped out of my mouth. It didn't take me long to realize this was actually kind of a dick move. The woman had not asked to be responsible for my decisions, it placed another bit of business on her that wasn't really her job, and she didn't really know me to know what would be a better choice for me if I abdicated the decision making. She would have to make the decision if I decided not to (non-consentual responsibility) and I would be left with needing to just accept whatever she decided, even if it didn't really turn out to be what I might prefer.
At this realization, I told her I had decided to "dine in," and I took my sandwich to a table and explored the epiphany I had just triggered.
If I want my life to be the way I imagine it could be, I must either make the decisions to get there, or I must place myself in the hands of someone who will make the decisions for me who will either get me where I want to go or who will take me where they want to go and I will (hopefully) be happy with that. If I don't actively choose, I will either have to be happy with whatever might blow my way or be ok with anybody who happens along making my choices for me.
As the Rush song says, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
This is not to say that those who serve are at all lacking in strong will. I understand that it is an act which can take tremendous strength to submit or defer to someone else. That act of submission, when it is thoughtfully and purposefully done, is exercising the muscle of deference. It merely chooses a different person as a focus as opposed to oneself.
But I think there are many of us who go through life without exercising our choice, our ability to decide to whom we will defer. We are told we must defer to our lawmakers, our elders, the desires of our peer groups, the evening news, our religious leaders, our parents, our bosses... the list goes on. We become weak in our choosing. We take what we are given. We stop believing we can have lives like we want them to be, so we stop trying to create them...
I really don't care what side of the slash you decide to live on. I just want all of us to actively make choices about our lives.
If you serve, choose who you will serve and don't just take anybody who wants the job. Value yourself and your ability to choose, even if it is just making a good decision on who will best "serve you" and your life/dreams in return if you give them authority over you.
If you are a Dominant, choose what world you want to create and make decisions that further that. Don't expect your submissives/slaves to create a world for you without your vision.
If we don't know how to make good decisions, let's find a safe place to make some mistakes and get better. Let's exercise our muscles in giving meaningful deference to chosen, worthy others and to our deepest selves.
Forced deference or blase choice is hollow. Only when we give our submission or make choices with full understanding and free will can deference have any true meaning.
When we are young, we are by default made to give deference to the wishes of others. As we get into the ages where "no" becomes our favorite word, we attempt to impose our own will on the world and the adult rule-makers in our lives. For some of us, that attempt at freedom is successful and we "get our way." For others, the attempt is thwarted and we fall into line with the wishes of others due to fear of reprisal/punishment or promised reward.
When we reach our teens, we often have this power struggle again. Perhaps the parents who have been giving in decide our behavior isn't cute any more and should be punished, or suddenly needs to be controlled. Or perhaps we have been living under an iron thumb and want to be released from that oppression. Again, we may be successful or unsuccessful in our attempts.
When we become adults ourselves, the idea is that we have been given the freedom to make decisions slowly over time giving deference to our own council. The idea is to learn from our mistakes in a safe environment so that by the time we are making all of our own decisions, we will be making reasonably good ones with less chance of catastrophic risk.
Anyone who has been around new college students can attest to the fact that there are a great number who do not seem very well equipped to handle adult freedoms. However many colleges are also set up to have a safety net for problematic decision making on the part of its student body.
In the BDSM Lifestyle, we are often asked to decide who we give our deference to, under what circumstances, and for what periods of time to offer that deference. We think about giving deference to our elders (vanilla and kinky), whether they have really earned our respect or not. It is thought to be polite to give deference to elders unless they show that they are not worthy of that deference.
Those who are looking to have D/s or M/s relationships also have to ask themselves who they want to serve or be served by. In the power exchange, we are either giving deference to someone else's decision making and His/Her authority (and we negotiate what those parameters are) or receiving the responsibility to make decisions for or being the authority figure for someone else. We knowingly choose to submit to the will of others or to have others submit to our will.
I have spent many years in the posture of submission. I am now exploring my Dominance in the world, though I am and will always be in service to the Universe. When I surrendered to that call, it actually gave me the strength and understanding concerning how important it is to listen to not only its council but also to my own.
HOWEVER, listening to one's own council and making decisions from that may be harder than we might think at first. I believe that deferring to oneself and having the confidence to continue that deference is like exercising a muscle that sometimes becomes atrophied. Let me give you a really rudimentary example.
I had a moment one day when I was at a sandwich shop. I had ordered lunch and the woman behind the counter asked me if I wanted it to eat there or "to go." I hadn't decided yet and didn't have strong feelings either way, so the words "either one" slipped out of my mouth. It didn't take me long to realize this was actually kind of a dick move. The woman had not asked to be responsible for my decisions, it placed another bit of business on her that wasn't really her job, and she didn't really know me to know what would be a better choice for me if I abdicated the decision making. She would have to make the decision if I decided not to (non-consentual responsibility) and I would be left with needing to just accept whatever she decided, even if it didn't really turn out to be what I might prefer.
At this realization, I told her I had decided to "dine in," and I took my sandwich to a table and explored the epiphany I had just triggered.
If I want my life to be the way I imagine it could be, I must either make the decisions to get there, or I must place myself in the hands of someone who will make the decisions for me who will either get me where I want to go or who will take me where they want to go and I will (hopefully) be happy with that. If I don't actively choose, I will either have to be happy with whatever might blow my way or be ok with anybody who happens along making my choices for me.
As the Rush song says, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
This is not to say that those who serve are at all lacking in strong will. I understand that it is an act which can take tremendous strength to submit or defer to someone else. That act of submission, when it is thoughtfully and purposefully done, is exercising the muscle of deference. It merely chooses a different person as a focus as opposed to oneself.
But I think there are many of us who go through life without exercising our choice, our ability to decide to whom we will defer. We are told we must defer to our lawmakers, our elders, the desires of our peer groups, the evening news, our religious leaders, our parents, our bosses... the list goes on. We become weak in our choosing. We take what we are given. We stop believing we can have lives like we want them to be, so we stop trying to create them...
I really don't care what side of the slash you decide to live on. I just want all of us to actively make choices about our lives.
If you serve, choose who you will serve and don't just take anybody who wants the job. Value yourself and your ability to choose, even if it is just making a good decision on who will best "serve you" and your life/dreams in return if you give them authority over you.
If you are a Dominant, choose what world you want to create and make decisions that further that. Don't expect your submissives/slaves to create a world for you without your vision.
If we don't know how to make good decisions, let's find a safe place to make some mistakes and get better. Let's exercise our muscles in giving meaningful deference to chosen, worthy others and to our deepest selves.
Forced deference or blase choice is hollow. Only when we give our submission or make choices with full understanding and free will can deference have any true meaning.
Friday, February 15, 2013
"In Service" to the Universe
"You're going to have to serve somebody. May be the devil, may be the lord, but you're going to have to serve somebody." --Bob Dylan "Gotta Serve Somebody"
To be used and to be useful is a wonderful thing. Oftentimes in the lifestyle we apply the concept of the joy of service to slaves/submissives, but Dominants/Masters may also be “in service.” All of us may be in service to another person or persons (regardless of one’s position in the power exchange), our family/house (vanilla and kinky), our community, and our country/world. We may also be in service to a higher power, a concept or ideal, or an organization which furthers one of these notions.
When I think of the universe, I think of the creative energy which flows through all things. I perceive ebbs and flows of that energy, and I perceive what I might go so far as to call a “desire” to change, grow, and create. In relation to this, things which are created shift and change form (through the concept we call death) and decomposition. But what the Law of Conservation tells us is that energy is never lost, but only shifted. So from the moment energy comes into being, it is in a constant state of creating, breaking down, and re-creating.
Now theologians and philosophers have argued for centuries about how all of this has come to be, how we understand it, and what it means in relation to our actions on the planet. I am not here to argue any of the concepts which have come before. My job is not to convince you what I am saying is “right.” You are the only one who gets to decide what you believe. I am only here to express my own thoughts on this and how it relates to what I see as my service.
For many of us, we function as healers for our fellow man. This can take many forms, from working in one of the healing arts (body, mind, spirit) to working in a job that makes people feel wonderful or happy. There is an energy that radiates out from us that can be felt by those in need. If someone is in need of a spiritual tuneup, they will energetically be attracted to someone who has that skill, just as molecules of hydrogen and oxygen become attracted to one another. If someone needs bodywork, they are energetically attracted to someone who can do that for them, or are sent down a path of attraction by which you meet someone who knows exactly who you need to see/speak to. The same rules of attraction apply, it just takes the energy a little longer to get us where we need to be.
I often describe this process of having a lighted red-cross above our heads that no one can see except those who need us (and even then, it’s not visible to the eye). All I have to do is be willing (open for business) when those who come looking find me. I have been an energetic healer, a psychological sounding board, a confessor, and a myriad of other things.
Part of being in service to the universe is working to see clearly which needs in the world are ours to assist with/solve and which are not. We must be humble and not feel as though we know the absolute right answer, as what is best in every situation is unique. What is right in this moment may not be right in the next.
We must also be living authentically ourselves, achieving our highest good, in order to have our best life and to be able to give as much as we can in our service. Many of us who are “called” to service forget to have healthy boundaries. We are not required to solve all problems, work on behalf of every cause, or exhaust ourselves to our own detriment. Having a “healer down” is not any help to the universe, and if we have nothing left for ourselves, we have nothing we can give anyway.
Many people have a very skewed notion of what service needs to look like. We have been told that if we are not a Mother Teresa, then we are not selfless enough. We have been told that our own happiness is selfish. We have been told that if we can’t give our gifts in a socially or religiously prescribed way, then our gifts are paltry or useless.
But this is the farthest from the truth as can be. If a person serves soup in a kitchen for the homeless, but he is unhappy or pities/loathes the people whom he serves, then he is poisoning the soup just as if he had been administering slow doses of rat poison into the pot. The cashier at the market who is angry gives you pieces of that anger when she hands you change. The doctor who is depressed and treats your sickness casts a shadow on your health and healing, depressing your body’s own tendency to heal itself.
This is one of the many reasons that I tell submissives that you really DO need to serve with love as much as possible. A Dominant can command your action, not your heart, it’s true. But any service you give with love has a greater energy to it to make all who are surrounded by it better. This is why if someone is cooking for you, they should love you or they should love the food/act of cooking or it changes the energetic field around the very food which is supposed to nourish us.
Some of you may be scoffing at this, but I would urge you to pay attention to all of the times in your life when you experienced “unlove” and you knew it, even if it had never been stated.
Your gifts should bring you joy when you engage in them. They allow you to expand in your skill, knowledge, and blissful abandon in their execution. When you share these gifts, others feel all of this joy and are blessed by it. There are as many types of gifts as there are flowers. Some people make great art, some teach, some dance, and some just have smiles which heal others when they see it. All good things increase the overall good of the world.
Because there are so many people and so many gifts, why would you need to be miserable to serve in some capacity which someone else would find joy in the doing? Your joy is part of your service, energetically speaking. This is not to say that you will never see a need which must be answered that will challenge you. But there will be a deep knowing that this is what you are “specifically” being called to do. You can decline, but there is a knowing that this was your burden to take up. And even if there is pain involved, there will be equal measures of joy, and a sense of fulfillment when you have answered that call.
While I am not always good at keeping boundaries where I make sure I am being healthy and meeting my own needs as well, I am still committed to being of service when I am met with situations or people that have the need for my specific skills or energy. Some needs are small, some are on a grander scale, but all are ones which are part of keeping the universal flow of energy going in healthy streams. It is a kind of co-creating with the universe where we chose to do things which promote health of our energetic rivers and oceans as opposed to stagnation and blockage.
If you want to stay away from any sense of mysticism, you can look at all sorts of social contract theories, laws of group dynamics, the function of government/religion on societal control/health, or even Kant’s Categorical Imperative. But I interact with my world in an energetic sense; it is the language I speak, the senses through which I gain information, the space in which I flow.
All of this is to say that no matter what relationships I form on the planet, I will still serve the needs of the universe and answer its call when I am able.
To be used and to be useful is a wonderful thing. Oftentimes in the lifestyle we apply the concept of the joy of service to slaves/submissives, but Dominants/Masters may also be “in service.” All of us may be in service to another person or persons (regardless of one’s position in the power exchange), our family/house (vanilla and kinky), our community, and our country/world. We may also be in service to a higher power, a concept or ideal, or an organization which furthers one of these notions.
When I think of the universe, I think of the creative energy which flows through all things. I perceive ebbs and flows of that energy, and I perceive what I might go so far as to call a “desire” to change, grow, and create. In relation to this, things which are created shift and change form (through the concept we call death) and decomposition. But what the Law of Conservation tells us is that energy is never lost, but only shifted. So from the moment energy comes into being, it is in a constant state of creating, breaking down, and re-creating.
Now theologians and philosophers have argued for centuries about how all of this has come to be, how we understand it, and what it means in relation to our actions on the planet. I am not here to argue any of the concepts which have come before. My job is not to convince you what I am saying is “right.” You are the only one who gets to decide what you believe. I am only here to express my own thoughts on this and how it relates to what I see as my service.
For many of us, we function as healers for our fellow man. This can take many forms, from working in one of the healing arts (body, mind, spirit) to working in a job that makes people feel wonderful or happy. There is an energy that radiates out from us that can be felt by those in need. If someone is in need of a spiritual tuneup, they will energetically be attracted to someone who has that skill, just as molecules of hydrogen and oxygen become attracted to one another. If someone needs bodywork, they are energetically attracted to someone who can do that for them, or are sent down a path of attraction by which you meet someone who knows exactly who you need to see/speak to. The same rules of attraction apply, it just takes the energy a little longer to get us where we need to be.
I often describe this process of having a lighted red-cross above our heads that no one can see except those who need us (and even then, it’s not visible to the eye). All I have to do is be willing (open for business) when those who come looking find me. I have been an energetic healer, a psychological sounding board, a confessor, and a myriad of other things.
Part of being in service to the universe is working to see clearly which needs in the world are ours to assist with/solve and which are not. We must be humble and not feel as though we know the absolute right answer, as what is best in every situation is unique. What is right in this moment may not be right in the next.
We must also be living authentically ourselves, achieving our highest good, in order to have our best life and to be able to give as much as we can in our service. Many of us who are “called” to service forget to have healthy boundaries. We are not required to solve all problems, work on behalf of every cause, or exhaust ourselves to our own detriment. Having a “healer down” is not any help to the universe, and if we have nothing left for ourselves, we have nothing we can give anyway.
Many people have a very skewed notion of what service needs to look like. We have been told that if we are not a Mother Teresa, then we are not selfless enough. We have been told that our own happiness is selfish. We have been told that if we can’t give our gifts in a socially or religiously prescribed way, then our gifts are paltry or useless.
But this is the farthest from the truth as can be. If a person serves soup in a kitchen for the homeless, but he is unhappy or pities/loathes the people whom he serves, then he is poisoning the soup just as if he had been administering slow doses of rat poison into the pot. The cashier at the market who is angry gives you pieces of that anger when she hands you change. The doctor who is depressed and treats your sickness casts a shadow on your health and healing, depressing your body’s own tendency to heal itself.
This is one of the many reasons that I tell submissives that you really DO need to serve with love as much as possible. A Dominant can command your action, not your heart, it’s true. But any service you give with love has a greater energy to it to make all who are surrounded by it better. This is why if someone is cooking for you, they should love you or they should love the food/act of cooking or it changes the energetic field around the very food which is supposed to nourish us.
Some of you may be scoffing at this, but I would urge you to pay attention to all of the times in your life when you experienced “unlove” and you knew it, even if it had never been stated.
Your gifts should bring you joy when you engage in them. They allow you to expand in your skill, knowledge, and blissful abandon in their execution. When you share these gifts, others feel all of this joy and are blessed by it. There are as many types of gifts as there are flowers. Some people make great art, some teach, some dance, and some just have smiles which heal others when they see it. All good things increase the overall good of the world.
Because there are so many people and so many gifts, why would you need to be miserable to serve in some capacity which someone else would find joy in the doing? Your joy is part of your service, energetically speaking. This is not to say that you will never see a need which must be answered that will challenge you. But there will be a deep knowing that this is what you are “specifically” being called to do. You can decline, but there is a knowing that this was your burden to take up. And even if there is pain involved, there will be equal measures of joy, and a sense of fulfillment when you have answered that call.
While I am not always good at keeping boundaries where I make sure I am being healthy and meeting my own needs as well, I am still committed to being of service when I am met with situations or people that have the need for my specific skills or energy. Some needs are small, some are on a grander scale, but all are ones which are part of keeping the universal flow of energy going in healthy streams. It is a kind of co-creating with the universe where we chose to do things which promote health of our energetic rivers and oceans as opposed to stagnation and blockage.
If you want to stay away from any sense of mysticism, you can look at all sorts of social contract theories, laws of group dynamics, the function of government/religion on societal control/health, or even Kant’s Categorical Imperative. But I interact with my world in an energetic sense; it is the language I speak, the senses through which I gain information, the space in which I flow.
All of this is to say that no matter what relationships I form on the planet, I will still serve the needs of the universe and answer its call when I am able.
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