The First Guy I Ever Loved Is Now A Girl

We were teenagers. Seventeen to be exact. We were a little stranger than our contemporaries, though no one was probably aware how strange, not even ourselves. We were trying to navigate the pitfalls of rural life in a Red State.

And we loved each other. No matter what all occurred, I cannot bring myself to doubt that...

We made it through three years together. We lived through my senior year, my first year of college where we lived apart in different towns, and then the year I moved in with him and commuted to school.

We got engaged, something that everyone in our small town thought one should do when one has been dating for any length of time. I pushed for it, partially from the aforementioned social expectations and partially because my hopeless romantic mind had settled on him as the person with whom I would spend the rest of my life. I think there was a part of him that hoped by doing what was considered "normal" that it would make his heart and mind feel differently than it did.

There came a point where we had almost no physical or sexual intimacy. There was his intimation that if I were slimmer that we could experiment with sexual positions. There was the an infatuation on his part with a mutual friend of ours who had caught his eye with her feisty and fierce edges (mine had softened over time). There were many reasons that were given when he finally ended things between us. In the end, he wasn't wrong to do what he did, but at the time, I couldn't see that. All I could see was that the world I had imagined was crumbling.

Unfortunately, the stated reasons for the breakup stayed with me. They haunted my next relationship and my next... I took them to heart, believed in their truth, and let those beliefs shape how I viewed myself and my love life.

I still stayed in contact with him for a long time. I watched as he broke up with the mutual friend he dated after me. I was there at his wedding to a lovely girl I liked very much. He was one of the few people who I told I was into BDSM and was taking the plunge to move to a new city with my Master and his slave. And then, in the course of delving into my own life, I lost track of him.

The rumor mill in small towns is a killer, and at first I didn't believe it when I heard that he was coming into the town grocery store dressed as a female. I had been on the receiving end of some ugly rumors, so when my parents asked if I had heard anything, I assured them it was probably nothing more than either rumor-mongering or an extreme misunderstanding.

It wasn't until I was back visiting my home town in person that I bumped into an old mutual friend of ours who confirmed the news. Not only had my former fiance started dressing as a woman, but he had started the hormone and surgery process to become one.

By this time in my life, I had been exposed to Trans-folks in all differing stages, so it wasn't some huge shock in and of itself. However, it was the first time someone I had been so incredibly in love with and sexually intimate with had made that change. It took me a little bit to come to terms with because of that.

I finally called the number I had for him... now her... and a voice answered the phone. Unrecognizable and female. It was him. No, *her*.

She was nervous when I identified myself, not knowing why I called or what reaction her change was going to elicit. She told me the story of how she had gotten so depressed she was going to kill herself. How she stopped at the last minute and decided instead to be willing to suffer all that would come from daring to start a new life. She told me about her mostly amicable divorce from her wife. Of starting hormones. Of her new boyfriend (who I knew from our home town as well).

She also told me that she had wanted to be a woman, felt as though she was supposed to be one, from when she was much younger. She told me of a conversation between the two of us (which I have no recollection about) where she told me she had "girl thoughts" and I kind of "reared back" and she decided that she couldn't go ahead and tell me the truth. Knowing me, I'm pretty sure my response would have been the non-understanding reply of "Well, I have boy thoughts," by which I would have meant my stereotypically male desire for sex, beer, and watching football.

I like to think that if she had told me, that I would have understood. That I would have been accepting. But this may be giving my younger self way too much credit. I was still a product of the culture I lived in, and she would have been crushing my dreams just as much with that information. I don't actually know that I would have been able to be supportive and open-hearted. She may have been right assuming she wasn't safe...

The thing that I had to do now was to go back and re-write the pages of my history that I was so sure of before. I had to allow that there had been not as much wrong with me as the fact that I was a woman, and would not have worked as a life partner for him (now her) unless I was a man. All the assumptions I made, all the pain I took on, all of the "stories" I created about "reality" back then... none of them were true.

I am glad for her in her life as it is now. Everyone has the right to at least attempt to do what they can to make themselves happy.

And I am thankful for the gift of truth she gave me that allowed me to go back and let go of a lot of the emotional baggage I had taken on from during and after our relationship. Almost in an instant, what I had carried for almost my entire life melted away.

I wish that we had been able to feel safe with one another and to be honest back then. But we were young, and we did the best we could. Today, I am kinky and she is female. And I am glad we both made it here to see this moment.

Leather

I've been thinking for a while now about how one would describe what "Leather" is as a lifestyle and mindset. I have found that most of the written explanations tend to be unsatisfying either because the given definitions have such a large scope they tend to become so broad/vague they are useless as descriptors to the uninitiated or they focus merely on the obvious behavior or physical "leather" and become overly simplistic.

First, what I have come to understand is that the minds of Leatherfolk are very different than others in the lifestyle. They tend to be connected to notions that have been present for a very long time. Some people attribute this to the military influence in Leather, but I have found that this is also true of religions/philosophies whose lineage stretches back into antiquity. There are many characteristics in Leather that can be found in the monastic, military, and philosophical literature of countries like China dating back to the time of Buddha (and before). Some of these ideas relate to honor, order, justice, devotion, mindfulness, obedience, discipline (and disciple-ship), and the way Mastery is obtained through study, mentorship from a Master, and one's own practice.

This is not to say that others in the lifestyle do not share some of these notions, but there seem to be a much larger collection of those people in Leather and it is much more clearly woven through their actions and philosophies. The closest thing to this in a group in the lifestyle is with a small percentage of those who work in Rope, who honor and study the lineage of those who came before and take on some of the same characteristics noted above. They are also more formal and serious of mind than the garden variety "rope bondage enthusiast." In a room full of Rope people, they are the minority, and they are also very easy to pinpoint with just a small amount of conversation.

The second thing I have noted regarding Leather is a deep commitment to fostering community. This is organically helped along by the way in which knowledge is transmitted (disciple-ship) and by the emphasis on service, which requires one to consider how one's actions can better the life or endeavors of others. But it is also true that much of the activism in kink comes from folks who see the need to protect and promote our ability to live the life we choose in the world at large. It is always easier to create change in a world when we practice solidarity. It is not enough that the folk in Leather have thrown off the chains of societal expectations, but there are a number of these folk who feel compelled to make it a point of activism so that those who come after them are able to live more freely and openly in the world. Again, there is crossover in the sex-positive groups, but Leather seems to collect these sorts in greater numbers.

The third thing I've noted is in the "metacognitive" arena. Those in Leather tend to attempt to understand the way their minds work and what characteristics of mind and personality they find important. From there, they then codify those notions, creating protocols and rituals which promote the desired state of mind/headspace. Although Leather has fetishized things such as the cloth of leather and things like boots/vests, if you stripped away the accoutrements, you would still have a whole host of actions/thoughts/functions that connote Leather. If you stuck a group of naked lifestylers in a room, it wouldn't take long for the Leatherfolk to find each other. I see the focus on how one thinks as a difference between some of the other groups of fetishists who, if their items were taken away (shoes, latex, etc.), would not have any other element that would promote cohesion. I also see Leather as different from groups who practice some of the actions that the Leather community does (Gorean training/protocols/positions come to mind), but most of these groups do not spend so much time thinking about their own thinking (which is the definition of metacognition).

Finally, the thing that means the most to me regarding Leather is the focus on the growth and mastery of oneself as a human, regardless of where one falls in the "chain of command." It is equally important for submissives and slaves to strive for excellence as it is for Dominants and Masters. This reminds me of humanistic therapists such as Abraham Maslow, who promoted the notion of self-actualization as the pinnacle of the Hierarchy of Human Needs. Although it is true that some people use the D/s or M/s dynamic to hide or deny change/growth through the use of a formal, rule-driven system, many more see the dynamics as critical to facilitate further growth. One must do one's own self-improvement and skills/knowledge acquisition, but there comes a point where we need others to push us to most fully become what we have the potential to become. Again, one can still have solid D/s or M/s dynamics or receive mentorship and not be Leather, it just again seems that there are larger collections of like-minded people to be found in this one place, which is Leather.

I am not saying that there aren't problematic individuals who crouch under the banner of Leather, nor am I saying that there aren't stellar individuals who embody these important characteristics who do not affiliate with Leather. But I am saying that there is much which speaks well of those who identify as Leather. For me, it is important that those I surround myself with have a seriousness of mind, a respect for lineage, and a devotion to the growth of themselves as humans, their relationships, their communities, and their world.

If all the trappings of the world fell away, I would still be able to identify these folks as a tribe, and one which has many stellar qualities to recommend it. Do I look like I'm Leather? Probably not, as long as you are using only your eyes...