The virtue of a dollar store

Everyone has baggage from their past. I was talking to a friend of mine who had accompanied me to the mall the other day and we were discussing a story we both had about our fathers. I had become aware a few months back that I have the story that reads something like, "Men will disappoint you." And it's not a story that is lacking for entries. But as I am attempting to have men in my life who don't disappoint me, I have needed to change that belief to bring that into existence.

My friend and I were comparing how much of our beliefs began with fathers who were distant and problematic emotionally. My father came from country poor roots, and he spent most of my childhood being a workaholic to support our family through his business. When he was home, he was either exhausted or incredibly critical. If we did not keep our belongings in tip-top shape, in his mind we didn't appreciate what we had.

As I got older, I began to hear the stories of how my mom and dad grew up themselves, and I first gained understanding, then compassion for their states. In the meantime, my father "grew up" a bit as well. We have a good relationship at this point, and I am thankful for that. But I am saddened for the little boy he was, for the little girl I was... perhaps it was necessary for both of us to have gone through the childhoods that we did to end up where we are.

But I have been thinking lately how grateful I am for the "dollar stores" that have been springing up everywhere. Sometimes the items are good, other times they are crap. Much of what we have that is this cheap comes from China and other countries where the labor issues are problematic. I realize that being paid our notion of "slave wages" here in the states is actually something that sustains many workers in many parts of the world. What I pay for my daily coffee is something that could feed a family elsewhere.

There are many who argue that by buying these cheap goods you are supporting a system that encourages the taking advantage of the misfortune of others. But as a writer who is not always flush in the cash department, I appreciate being able to get some of my necessities at a pricepoint that won't break me. And I look at all the toys on the wall, and I am thankful there is a place where kids can get even a little bit of something fun for just a dollar.

I have to admit I have bought a couple items simply for my inner child. And for the naughty ones of you out there, I have even bought some items for doing scenes at the dollar store and gotten lots of enjoyment out of them:)

I realize economics are complex and the ramifications of actions taken by people or institutions vary drastically depending on who you are and where you are located. One's perspective is critical to take into account in any argument about the "good" of things.

I don't pretend to have the definitive answer for much of anything. But today, I am taking the time to be thankful for the dollar store. Both my kinky and my child self really appreciate getting a lot of bang for my buck.

The Dojo is in the Mind

"Jiki shin kore dojo” (”This very mind is the dojo [monastery]"). -Yamada Koun Roshi


Once upon a time I stumbled upon a pdf on a martial arts website that talked about the concept of your dojo being in your mind. This was more for the notion that wherever you went, you should be able to enter the state of mind to bring your focus and intent together and to be able to practice wherever you found yourself. So there was never any excuse for you not to work out because you didn't find yourself in the optimal surroundings.

I was traveling this weekend to see my former master and his slave, and there wasn't much downtime, nor quiet space to specifically meditate. Many people feel like they need absolute quiet and a specific space to meditate or it's just not possible for them to quiet their mind. I am often reminded in these cases of the fact that the temple is not the marketplace. If you live in the temple, of course it's easier to have an uninterrupted focus. Or at least, less outside interruptions.

I have found that some of my best meditations have been in a busy coffee shop. Sure, I may look crazy, but no crazier than the bum who is pouring all of the sugar into his small cup of drip coffee.

What I found this weekend was that any uninterrupted "mind-work" had to happen after the lights had been turned out and I was lying in bed. I have started to call what I do "mind-work" to show the difference between the sort of 'clearing of the mind' that many people imagine is the purpose of meditation and what it actually is that I do, which may or may not include a clearing of the mind. In this case, the mind-work that I felt called to do was on behalf of my former master.

The rest of the weekend there was some of what I would call metaphysical "heavy lifting," or things that needed to be accomplished through the application of specific types of energy. But those sorts of things are more akin to what some experience during a walking meditation. You are moving and you are active, but your mind is so deeply focused on the activity to make your mind enter a meditative state.

There are times when you don't necessarily need great focus on what you are doing. You can flit through your day with your focus going where it will. But there are some moments that you need to be fully focused not only on the NOW, but on particular elements of the now to bring your full energy to bear. Your focus, plus intention, plus energy equals energetic transformation.

In the BDSM sense, a submissive/bottom/slave is taking their desire to serve as their intention, making the master their focus, and pouring their energy into whatever action or state has been requested or that they see is necessary for fulfilling a desire (stated or unstated) that the master has. The circle becomes a completed conduit when the master has an intention for the slave (meaning the slaves well-being and growth), develops a clarity of focus, and puts energy toward making that intention come to fruition.

If one views the services we do for one another as energy conduits, we understand that we become the transformative energy for one another through our actions/feelings/intentions. Sometimes in the more general world, the intention/energy we put out is not returned directly from the source/focus that we apply ourselves toward. However, when we do service from this very meditative state, we are doing what I consider to be universal service. And therefore the universe becomes the thing which completes our energetic circle through other beings/experiences.

When we are going about our daily activities, by being mindful of all we do and bringing our entire selves to our work/play, we are in fact making our lives a moving devotional to the universe.

This means that in a larger sense, making love is as divine as prayer as planting a garden as drinking a lovely cup of pinon coffee made by a pretty girl as... you get the idea. Your entire life is sacred.

So as I tried to carve out a moment here and there to sit in quiet contemplation, I also tried to remember that it really was more important what was going on in my mind as opposed to what was going on in the outer reality.

I'm back at my daily grind, but I have several nice bruises and many happy memories to think about from my visit. I have new mind-work to do. I also have to refocus on my physical body more in the coming weeks (one's conduit/vehicle needs to be maintained). But I am extremely thankful to my former master and his slave for the time and love they have given me, for being part of my energetic circle, and for being the wonderful people that they are.

Story

We are creatures who by our very nature try to figure out the meaning of our life experiences. We create myth or religion (or science) to tell us where we came from and why we might exist.

From the time we are young, we are given the stories of our ancestors, we are asked to believe the day-to-day stories that our parents and teachers tell us to describe our realities (even if we don't really agree that this is what reality really looked like), and we adopt our own stories of why we are the way we are.

When we meet new people, we are asked to present our stories of who we are. If we were on a deserted island, it wouldn't take too long for us to start to disclose the deepest stories we keep about ourselves. We give each other the inspirational and the ugly, and through sharing we hope that we will be seen and understood (and therefore accepted and loved by the tribe).

While I was working with my former master, he asked me to take off the high price I had put on my memories, both the good and the bad (or perceived good and bad). He explained it like this... if I had been bitten by a dog in the past, and I labeled all dogs as horrible, then I would constantly be running from dogs now, even if they were friendly and wonderful. Conversely, if I had caught a bus at one point in time that took me somewhere wonderful, perhaps now I would constantly be trying to catch buses, even though they might now be taking me where I wouldn't like to go. All of the judgements and stories I had in my past were keeping me from seeing things as they really are in the NOW.

Let me give you an example of negative stories in my life. The first man I ever loved was someone I thought I would die without. Things were probably fairly toxic in our relationship, to be honest, but lord, did I love him like no other. There were all sorts of stated reason he gave me when he broke it off, and each one was a poison-dipped arrow that hit its intended target. It not only wounded me, but poisoned my system. I accepted the stories he showed me as evidence of why we didn't work out.

And I took all of these insecurities and wounding into my next relationship. And the poison not only affected me, but spread to my new love. It affected my self image and made me create stories about who I was (and wasn't and wasn't capable of being)which I carried with me for years and retold myself every time a new love didn't blossom.

Flash forward many years. That same man has just finished his last surgery to become a woman. And she tells me that even when we were together, she wanted to be a woman. The truth of it was, it wouldn't have mattered who I was unless I was a man and she was a woman.

All the years I suffered for my stories that weren't even true...

At this time, I am attempting to balance the two dichotomies which are 1) Not giving stories undo weight (to see truly in the Now) and, 2) To be able to create a story of myself which creates the world and the woman I want to be and propels me toward it/compels reality to create my vision.

When are our stories useful for building and when are they cages which trap us? Do we need them but we need to not get too comfortable living within their structures?

Did the three little pigs have it wrong? Should we be building our houses out of straw? Should we create shelter, but not cry when it gets blown down? Should we welcome the wolf at the door in to a nice tofu-bacon dinner instead of trying to keep him out?

When we pull the threads of a story, we see that they have threaded their way through almost every aspect of our lives. Especially the deep and old ones. The ones that were laced with suffering or unbelievable sweetness. Especially those...

I am a writer. What I do is tell stories. I try to find meaning. On one hand I realize the pointlessness and lie that is what I do. And yet... I just can't seem to help myself.

Today

This afternoon I am going to teach an Energy Play class at a local dungeon. But before that, I have to make it to my writer's group. I've been fretting lately that I'm not where I should be on the road to fame and fortune (or at least the fortune part).

But last night as I sat at karaoke with a group of others who are striking out boldly to live authentically as writers and artists, I was suddenly hit with the realization that we are all moving in the exact same direction. We are in the flow, and we are all heading just exactly where we need to be.

It's terrifying sometimes to cast off expectations from others of what you should be doing with your life, with your career, with your sex life... but the gift of pursuing this often rocky road is that you get those moments when everything is just perfect. Even in its imperfection, it's exactly right. The comfort of that is monumental. The peace and power it gives is also amazing.

So this morning, I have exactly the right amount of change for an organic coffee at the local shop. I have enough gas to get me everywhere I need to go. I have fabulous friends waiting for me at every place. And I am confident when all of that has passed, I will be in a place once more where everything I really need is there waiting.

I'm not saying all of this isn't hard and we don't have to put in work. We have to show up completely. But we need to remember we have a safety net in the universe. And because of that, we can all be a little more fearless.

A Pirate and a Good Man

I've been listening lately to a singer that has returned to country music after a long stint in the goth/metal realm. He's put together a pretty stellar record, in my opinion (and I'm born and raised red state country). But a lot of people are giving him flack because they aren't quite sure how to "market" or characterize him. I think they are also worried that he's in-authentic. After all, it's a big shift.

I think part of the problem is that too often the clothes make the man. He used to wear black things with zippers and frankenstein boots. Now he's wearing cowboy boots and a black hat with a skull and crossbones. He argues he's always been this way, this mix of elements. But people in this day and age get worried if you change. You can't grow or shift or experiment. If you do, how do we know you're genuine? If, like Madonna, you change your look every few years, how do we know you're not just into "image making" as opposed to being a normal, growing artist who expresses themselves in a vast and myriad of ways?

I think somewhere along the line the collective we decided it was much safer to never change. It made us feel like there was some sense of solidity in our world, some safety that we've never really had but desperately want.

The other part of the problem is that people have issues trying to believe that humans can be many different constituent parts, and those don't have to necessarily be logical sense in their parings. I know a little about that, as two of my parings are zen and BDSM. I also like both the country and the goth of the singer I listen to (along with any number of other musical categories one might find odd in one package).

I have a young male friend who is struggling in resolving his feelings regarding the fact that he is deeply spiritual and terribly kinky. He doesn't know how a good man can be sexual first off. He has studied the spiritual texts and found not much which values sex at all (many of the histories are written by monks, and therefore discussion of the spirit is often couched in monastic terms as opposed to those of a layperson). There's not much guidance on how to live "rightly" and be a hot-blooded male where the brain fires off volleys of sexual hormones faster than the speed of light.

On top of that, he has desires that aren't necessarily mainstream. He likes it when girls cry when he's fucking them (not that this is the only way he gets off, but he does like it. REALLY like it). He also has a predilection for (giving) hard anal fucks and a number of other things he's discovering that are not acceptable in the vanilla cannon of sex.

I try to ask him, to loosely paraphrase Pirates, "Can you accept that you are a good man and a pirate?"

Many in the religious realm might tell him he needs to purge those evil desires. I know from experience that this is how monsters get made, or at the very least, deeply unhappy people who one day leave their sweet wives and 2.5 kids and run off with stripper twins (and people wonder what happened to this "normal" man).

Part of being self aware is figuring out what feels healthy and fulfilling for you and going with that. You can also make sure that what you are into finds a healthy outlet for both you and for those you play with or fuck. A good man is not a rapist, but perhaps a good man can enjoy some rape play with a mentally healthy woman who enjoys that sort of thing (I will probably post later what I think the difference is between healthy practitioners of kink and those who aren't so much).

I may just be trying to justify my position, but I think that much of life is asking us to use our own minds to decide what we are in an authentic way and practice it, even if that means we do things that puzzle or make others nervous. There may have been a reason that the Buddha didn't specify what "right" meant when he set out the 8-fold path.

I know I haven't been able to feel "right" about being half a person. I've done more things which I would consider unethical because of backlash from trying to stuff down my feelings and banish my "problematic" desires. That balanced self is far, far away when we are trying to be only one half of the scale.

I also realize that we are supposed to be working toward not desiring too much, which is the not going overboard on any of our desires. Some might consider BDSM a bit overboard. One also might consider it a bit unbalanced to go on a zen retreat. All I know, and you'll have to take my word that this is true for me, is that when I am going too far in any direction, my head gets weird. I don't feel healthy. And I know I need to correct.

This means that sometimes I need to get laid to get back in balance and sometimes I need to pray more. Just how it is, if I'm being honest.

At any rate, I am hopeful that people can find a way to allow themselves to experience the dichotomies that comprise them and to be ok with who they are.

I appreciate a good goth country boy upon occasion, and always need a good man and a pirate.

Cause I'm just that kinda girl;)

Rockstar Writer

So really the main goal for this coming year is to be a Rockstar Writer. This includes having the attitude of one of the kick-ass female lead singers of some heavy metal band. To be fearless and to be fabulous. To create great art (or whatever you'd like to call it) that speaks to people. To know that I am worthy of all the fabulous things the world has to offer. To move the masses whenever possible. And to always be re-inventing myself in authentic ways because I've grown as a human and artist (not because my manager says I need to be "fresh").

I know there was a lot that sucked in 2011. There was also a lot of good growth going on. I feel like 2012 is better in the sense that we aren't getting pounded so hard, but that it is going to be rough in the amount of work/metaphysical heavy lifting we're going to be asked to do. But challenging work is a good thing. We will be better for it and the world will be better for it.

If we are in charge of creating our reality, we need to step up and be responsible for it. But we also have to let go of those versions of reality that we accepted long ago and substitute our own. We have to believe the universe will give us whatever we put in as our order, and then move forward in faith and action to create that vision. The universe will help, I think. We shall find out, either way.

I want to get out of my own way this year. In The Game they said that fear was some sort of idea that causes emotion and action to get stuck in the body. That idea makes us stifle what we would normally do and become. So part of the trick is figuring out what the story/idea/belief we have that is clogging our world creation energy flow.

In other news, it looks like I will be able to visit my former master this month. The universe is setting up all the steps for me to "level up," all I need to do is move forward and put on my "power boots."

Best of luck to everyone in the New Year!!

Love and other destinations...

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred, of what is the spirit made, what is worth living for and what is worth dying for. The answer to each is the same. Only love." -Don Juan Demarco


Watching the movie Don Juan Demarco to remind myself of the beautiful side of the seduction game and its ability to open people up to become beautiful. After reading The Game, it feels good to have this answering perspective. I also like the fable in that movie that reminds me that we create our existence in our minds, and we are responsible for making everything magical.

When I am asked for recommendations for books on dating and such, I often lend these three books and tell women to read them in the following order: "He's Just Not That Into You," by Greg Behrendt and Luz Trucillo; "Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either," by Ian Kerner; and "Enchanted Love," by Marianne Williamson. I would also say "What if the Buddha Dated?" is a pretty fine read.

One of my intentions this year is to focus on my romantic life. It is a wee bit more complicated for me to find appropriate people to date because of my strange blend of an "alternative lifestyle," yet I have to believe and move forward in faith.

Speaking of which, I was talking to a friend of mine and telling him of my little girl fear of putting on my big girl "boots of power" and that it was like getting on a plane where I was going to land somewhere that I couldn't speak the language. He reminded me that in his many travels (he's been a guitar tech for a number of stars) there has always been people when you land with whom you can communicate. It may be in broken English or in signs and pictures, but there are always people there to help you.

This is logical and rational, and I know from my own travels that although it may be really challenging, one survives and figures out how to make things work. But my little girl was doing the thinking, drowning out any logic that might have gotten through with her child-like thinking and fear in a wailing voice.

My little girl needs to be reassured that she is not responsible for anything related to this and that she will be safe and protected. Not an irrational desire, but a strange thought nonetheless.

But the other thing for this coming year, besides stepping into my powerful future self, I am responsible for creating the belief that the kind of love and relationship that I desire is forthcoming.

So I will return to watching Don Juan, and think about what love looks like in the life of a kinky, spiritual, slightly weird woman...