Ask and you shall recieve... (Happy New Year)

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-one-new-years-resolution-that-creates-lasting-change/

fuck and double fuck...

I just realized Niel Strauss, author of The Game (which I'm currently reading and loving, btw), is ten months younger than I am.

The last couple of days I've been on a job out of town that found me doing loss prevention for a company who had been bought and the workers were waiting to hear if the new owners would let them go on or liquidate them. They were a great team of people, many of whom had been working at the company their whole lives. The manager, a really sweet man in his late 40s (I'm guessing), had instructed them all to stay positive and to continue with business as usual until they knew something definitive.

Everyone was worried, but they were all focused on doing the best they knew how in the face of uncertainty. They welcomed me, when they could have been hostile. They let me sit at the desk of the woman who was out on maternity leave. They let me drink their coffee and shared the homemade cookies someone's wife had made.

I was there when the call came in that the decision had been made to liquidate them. Again, from the top down, everyone handled themselves with grace and dignity. I had a dream that night that I was standing in line for Chinese takeout and I heard a voice ringing in my ears, "Everyone has to go through this."

I believe in the way of cause and effect that these people have given great customer service to so many others through the years that if people know they are looking for jobs they will have offers. And I hope that they find blessings amidst the trials.

While I was on the job, I was also able to see a friend of mine who was my roommate back in college. She found out that the breast cancer she had removed a couple years ago is probably back. She is handling that with grace as well.

I was there to witness all of this and to grow my compassion for people, to see their strength of character shining through.

At the same time, I have my own struggles, that by comparison don't seem that deep. I have a crush on a younger guy that's not going to go anywhere. I need to get laid. My writing career isn't where I'd like it to be, and I'm kinda jealous when I look at people like Neil Strauss who are my age but have found a greater foothold in their chosen path. I'm not saying that teaching (my first career path) wasn't the right thing to do (What is right?), but I know that had I been able to be the writer I was meant to be from the start, I might be in a different place. It's pointless to think about, but at times I do... We all play the "Capital W/Capital I" game, the "What If?"...

On top of that, the Universe has been pushing me pretty hard to deal with my shit.

You know, once you've done the work to clean up most of your metaphysical yard, that's the time you can't avoid seeing the deep sinkholes that you've been glancing over in favor of the surface shit this whole time.

I can feel that there is, metaphorically speaking, a big pair of shoes that I need to step into. This is the power that I was meant to have (really that all of us have the potential to have). And the small part of me, the child inside, is scared to take that step. If I am powerful, then I am responsible, right? My little self has problems with that.

It's like if I step up, I am doing the equivalent of getting on a plane I can't get off of once the doors are shut and being flown to a foreign country where I don't know the language and I am worried that I'll be asked to do things I don't have the strength to do.

I have only a couple of fears left in life. One is whether or not I am strong enough to do what needs done. The other is whether or not I am worthy of the best things in life.

Each of the books that I just read while on my job this last week have commented on that. The Game talks quite a bit about building and believing that one is worth all of the best things the world has to offer. I also had picked up Think and Grow Rich again and one of the questions it asked me to contemplate in the fear section is this: "Are you conscious of possessing spiritual forces of sufficient power to enable you to keep your mind free from all forms of fear?"

I have to be able to believe that I am strong enough and adaptable enough to do whatever the universe asks of me, and if my own self is insufficient, that I am aligned enough with the universal desire/stream of energy that it would bolster me to be able to accomplish what I need to do.

I've been thinking about Sarah Connor in T2, and the fact that since she believed the future was going to be FUBAR, she had gotten ripped, built up a stockpile of weapons which she knew how to use, and had generally become a bad-ass. Granted she had actually gone through the experience of having a Terminator chasing her to give her evidence for that future, but still... I think about what I would do if I really thought that I would need all of my skills and strength for all the possible trials and I see how far I am lacking.

I feel like a child in that if I stick my head in the sand, the monsters can't see me. Or if I hide under the blanket, I'm invisible. In other words, if I don't prepare for any eventuality and become stronger, then nothing bad will come to pass. I should know better... this is child-like mind. But it's how my actions have been in my life before.

If I don't step into those shoes of power (sounds like a superhero donning her boots, yes?) then it's not my fault whatever happens or what I do (or don't do in this case).

"With great power comes great responsibility" is an easy thing to say. Most people think they'd like power. I know that I have made mistakes in past lives with the power issue. I've let righteous anger be the spark that burns down the entire village (but it's ok because they deserved it, right?).

A very dear friend of mine and a healer in her own right said to me that the little girl part of me isn't responsible for what happens when I am powerful... but my adult self is. And it is the adult part of me that needs to reassure my small self that it's ok to take this step to become. And then, it is her duty in many ways to then step forward and become that self. And I won't know what all that entails until I'm asked to do it. It's like a potluck, and one day I might be getting lasagna and the next liver. But I have to believe I am strong enough to do handle whatever is on the table that day, one day at a time.

I need to have the grace under pressure that those workers did when they didn't know their fates yet. They did the best they could, one day at a time, and tried to keep their faith...

On the more mundane side of things, I need to feel that I am worthy of creating the kind of life that would most feed me and would be most fulfilling.

I don't necessarily think that universal service negates some of the fabulous things that the world has to offer. I am not a monk, nor will I be (at least I don't think so in this lifetime).

It just makes for an odd headspace to have the sacred and mundane all jumbled in my brain, and to hear one of the zen masters tell me that in the end, all things which are mundane are sacred and all that are sacred are mundane.

I'm trying to be honest here. I created this blog so as not to have to edit myself to look better than I am because of the fear that my mother would be reading over my shoulder. I am envious of Neil Strauss, even though I don't know if he is really loving his life or not. I see that he has a career I'd like. I know we aren't supposed to desire too much, but damn, that's a hard thing to do when you feel like you've been driven your whole life to want to become something that seems out of reach.

If I can calm down and live in the moment, I understand that I have a pretty wonderful life. There is nothing wrong in this moment, though I wish I had ice cream instead of the peach flavored tea I am drinking. I would like to be having hot, rough sex tonight, but I'll be lucky if I get to stay awake long enough to masturbate again. I wish I had a book deal and a movie being sold.

I know that I should be creating my own reality, and dealing with my shit, and working on my plans for a 5K run... tonight I'm just not that brave or motivated.

But tomorrow, maybe...

The Carving of Granite (a poem)

There is a deep, deep sadness that sits upon your shoulders,
causing your head to hang, drawing mirth (the lifeblood),
from every cell of your body, and piercing every
center of your self, from heart to groin, with longing.

Now you are upon the mountaintop, wind streaming wildly around.
If you have not yet wept, weep now.
Howl until each echo of your voice recedes
and is punished by the wind, like water to rock,
until it comes back to you as a song of beauty.

Where did you think you would hide that it would not find you?
There was never any way but through, and you have now
traversed the steep hillside, clambering over rock and shale
to appear here, now. Calibrate your sights, weigh your options
if you must, but in the end, all that you have put to the world
will come back to you like that echo that ever returns.

Let it become joy for you, this leaning into the wild.
Let your hands raise until they touch what is left of the sky.
Rejoice that what pierces you breaks you open,
so that all which is beauty may enter, unfettered by
your belief in what may or may not be so.

And when the wind gives you breath by which to sing,
let that leaden heart be winnowed away by the gusts
until the sliver that is left is only pure light.
Let your body sway and be moved.
Let that which is infinite find you.

Entreaty (a poem)

Like a supplicant, I stand at your door,
timid hand raised to knock for entry.
In this light I seem naked,
all artifice sacrificed to desire,
and my hand trembles
as it sounds upon wood and brass.
Would you let me in, a poor traveler,
who has nothing to share with you but stories
of distant visions seen on the horizon like
the mirage of an oasis as seen by a dying man?
Would you have me sit at your table for a space,
and drink cold water from your cup?
I may be mistaken... perhaps you are not home,
but lost upon some foreign road far away.
Maybe from a distance, you hear the knocking
but you mistake it for the drum in your ears
or a desire, longstanding, for home.
But this may be my own imagining,
and you wait on the other side of the door,
book of poems in hand, communing with the Almighty,
and waiting for the next traveler with which to break your bread.
Beloved, I am your next houseguest,
here for an unknown measure of time,
knocking for entry.
Open, but do not weep for my coming and going--
all we are given on earth is this measure of time.

The Universe as I Know It

As with all things, this is my own personal conception of the universe. One should always make up one’s own mind as to what one believes in regard to the way the universe functions and why. I have read innumerable descriptions from others on how things are, and each time there were things that resonated with me as true and things which seemed a bit off to how I see the world.

In those instances, I think perhaps it is like two people looking at a flower vase from different sides of the table… we are all looking at the same item, we just have different perceptions based on our perspective of seeing at the moment, we are limited by our physicality (we don’t see in infrared, for instance), and we have a limited vocabulary to describe things. Add to that the fact that we have a semantic variation between any two people that further limits our ability to communicate our experiences.

I’m not saying I haven’t read some really (what I consider) crackpot accounts. Some of you reading this will probably think that my conception sounds weirder than a three headed dog. But that is the beauty of having independent thought… you don’t have to take my word for anything.

My notion of reality has shifted over time, and I’m assuming it will again and again as my ability to sense and understand/intuit things increases. As they say, everything changes.

The first thing I believe is that we instantiate as humans in a materialistic and energetic sense because there is something specific about how us being alive at this frequency rounds out the universe. For example, we are the oboes in the universal orchestra. Without us, the sound would have holes in it. So for those who try to eschew the material body, I argue that it is actually being human and in a gross body that gives the specific necessary vibration to complete the fullness that is the universe. As with all instruments, there is the notion of tuning, and I think that perhaps some of us play quite a bit out of tune. But for the most part, just our being alive is important.

As for the “levels” of the body, there is much discussion of there being at least 6 (or 7) levels regarding our selves. The first is our gross matter body. The second is our energetic body. The third is our upper/spiritual body (and which “connects up” to the energy of the universe). Then it gets a little more esoteric (most people can buy the first three as possible without much of a stretch of the imagination). From what I can understand, the fourth level is like the upper/spiritual body of the universe reaching back to you, where it intersects with your 3rd level, the fifth level is like the energetic level of the sixth/physical level of the universe. Those theories that put a 7th level in the mix regard it as the complete one-ness of all of these things together, which what you call “you” is a part of).

The physical manifestation of you exists in a temporal state, which means that it has a timeline, and will eventually pass away. This for the most part negates your 2nd level energy body, or re-incorporates it in the 3rd (or some philosophies say it sloughs it off like clothing in a changing room). The energy of your gross body is brought back to the earth, recycled into other gross matter. But what of your 3rd body? Does it reincarnate in the sense that you become another person at some point down the timeline?

I know that I have memories of things from lives that aren’t my own. Is it the remnants of other people’s energy that hangs in the ether and my mind picks up? Is it past lives that I have had? There is no way to know for certain really. I can tell you what I think, and I can tell you that has changed as I’ve gotten older. There aren’t too many ways to “prove” any of this in a way that our scientific set will accept. So if you’re looking for evidence beyond belief, you may be looking a long time. Or not. I believe things can be known through a more scientific epistemology, but that often times our technology doesn’t yet have the ability to detect things that in the future it will be able to prove. It’s pretty much a moot point, and therefore, you should be living your life right now as if you just have one (which is the only thing you can say with any certainty).

So how can it be that we say we are unique individual creations and at the same time one with everything? People often use the analogy of the ocean being the universe and the individual is the crest of the wave that appears and then is gone. This analogy, however, doesn’t really work for me to explain individuality vs oneness (though its simplicity makes it easier for people to understand).

Here is what I believe at this moment regarding our “selves.” Our higher self exists outside of a temporal framework. It is a singular “thing.” It has amazing capabilities, however. Let’s say that perhaps that higher self has instantiations in the gross realm in this human body we know it in the now that we know, but also happens to be a torch-singer in the 30s, a bar wench in countless lifetimes, a monk in ancient china, and a warlord before that (or maybe that’s just me). It also is a space vixen in the future, a god in another galaxy, and a rock in another one after that.

The “intelligence” from all those things gets to be so much eventually, that in the infinite possibilities of the universe, we experience things from such a broad view that we understand our own infinitude. And imagine that every one of those things (not us) which we consider singular also has this multitude stretching out behind it in the universe. These would intersect with us in that we share space (physically and energetically) with all the other things that exist. Because in the type of energetic space where the “mind” resides (that which is beyond being a physical manifestation of a brain), there is no physical location. It is every-“where” (and also no-“where” that you could put a pin in and say “Aha! There it is!!)

Our individual consciousness is located in an ocean of energy where there is no space through which a thought (which is a type of energy) must travel in an amount of “time.” Everything always exists at the same “time” and is always available to be known (therefore, there is no amount of “time” that this must take to be sent and received by individual entities).

The reason I dislike the notion of us being the crest of the wave which then disappears to me says that we as individuals don’t have a continuance as such, that we just disappear. Some may attribute this to my ego, which does not want to think of itself as truly finite. Of course, I must admit that this may be true, just as much as what I say may be true. But I don’t happen to believe that explanation.

I feel this body of mine as finite. I know it will die, that this physical form that I inhabit (and really love, btw) will be no more. However, I experience/intuit that which I call the rest of my totality stretching off into a myriad of places and times and worlds. Because I am such a very different array of things, I really can’t conceive of complete annihilation. I fall back on the theory that energy can’t be destroyed, only shifted as evidence, and I think that our particular “intelligence” is a specific energy that is of a unique vibration to our unique totality. Our “oboe-ness” to the universal orchestra is our body now, plus our totality (all our energetic and material whens/whats combined), I think.

I also know that people in my life who have died have occasionally “touched my mind” after death. I feel their presence like the whiff of flowers on a summer breeze. It’s just like they are reaching out to touch familiar things/energies because they are surrounded by that which may seem unfamiliar. Or perhaps it is just a pattern of their consciousness, like a well-traveled road (or the groove of a record). It’s not like a ghost or anything. There is nothing left of them but this energetic touch. But it is similar enough that I recognize it as “them.” So I feel like the energy which is ours at our deepest level is unchanging and recognizable.

Some people say that I am only sensing the energetic “clothing” they have left behind, which is not them and which proves neither our uniqueness nor our continuance after death. To that I answer, “ok.”

There was a time I might have argued. But my mother has a pat little phrase she repeats often, which says “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” (Imagine how annoying I found that when I was younger?!) But now I understand that I gain nothing from an evangelical approach to the larger questions in the universe. I also understand that a person must have their own experiences and make their own opinions on how the universe works. It does not make an opinion more (or less) true if a larger number of people believe it, so I gain no edge to my opinion if I convince someone else.

I also like the zen story (which I read in one of Brad Warner’s books) which tells of the student asking a zen master what happens when we die. The master answers, “I don’t know. Ask someone who has died.”

I realize this post has rambled over a lot of territory. In the end, I just have how I feel about things. There are very few verifiable “facts” here for you. But hopefully something to argue about if you’d like, or just to something to make you think about how much of a crackpot I am because I don’t see the world the way you do.

I will just relax and try to appreciate the squeaky as well as the well-tuned oboes and work on making sure my own instrument is sounding passable, if not lovely.

The beginning is a very delicate time...

Know, then, that it is the year 2011...

Much of my service to the Universe requires that I write about my experiences moving through the world. It may (or may not) help you to know my history to know why I am here at this moment, writing.

From the earliest time, I can remember being interested in all things metaphysical. This may have been due to my vivid imagination and reading books where wizardry was perfectly normal and real. This was combined with the fact that odd things seemed to happen to me that defied explanation.

When I was almost out of High School, I started dating a man who was a psychic. I am never one to say to a person, "you have to believe because I believe." That's like expecting someone to believe in UFOs just because you saw one. A person will only generally change there minds if they are faced with what they consider to be compelling evidence (whatever that looks like). Suffice to say I am a rational woman who was presented with evidence that made it impossible for me to believe.

Unfortunately, he was of the opinion that only some people could work in this world, and he called these people "meta." I have come to realize that this is actually a human quality that is present in all of us, though some people may have an easier time working in that world because of their individual strengths (hey, I really stink at basketball, but I can at least heave the ball in the direction of the net when called upon to do so). There was one night in bed when I was not sleeping and he was snoring next to me that I prayed to God to be like him, "meta." I think that this communicated to my brain that this was an ability I wanted to focus on and increase.

Although that relationship did not last, I continued on in my search for greater understanding and access to the world of energy. I took both my first and second degree Reiki training, which is an Asian system of healing using universal energy. My first teacher felt that training should be expensive so that only people who were very serious about it would receive the training. My second degree teacher was also my massage therapist, and who was the person from whom I received my first Reiki treatment. She believed that one should charge enough to be able to live and continue to work and teach, but that it should be accessible to as many people as possible. She felt, as do I, that the world needs more healers.

It was also from her that I took a several month long class on meditation, which was my first serious introduction to zen. It's not that I hadn't read about it earlier in my life, but that I had never really been clear of the distinctions between it and other forms. And I had never really applied myself to specific forms of meditation in any sustained way.

At some point after this, I developed MS, which I mention here because sooner or later I will reference that fact. It was something that jettisoned me into finding out more about the incredibly complex system that is the human body and what other sorts of alternative treatments might be available to take the place (or compliment) western medicine. It also reinforced how strong the mind is in affecting the body and the energy surrounding it.

I also began to experiment more in the world of BSDM and kink. I can look back to early moments where I can see it surfacing in my personality. I was always extremely sexual, but there were elements coming out in me that others might consider deviant of the sexual norm. I want to take a moment to say that I had a childhood much like everyone else; there was no more abuse than normally present coming from parents who grew up in my parents' generation. I am just as scarred from it as everyone else is, and just as unscathed as others.

But I will say that I read a number of kinky books growing up. One might be surprised at the number of them that were available in the library my small hometown. As a nerdy kid growing up in the middle of nowhere, I read almost everything. I show this as evidence that people who ban books never actually read any of them. They hang their ire on a small number of books that someone has told them are bad (which they never generally ready either) and miss the fact that there are any number of books that are much worse than the tome they are currently complaining about and wanting to ban.

I remember reading this thousand page book titled Maia, written by Richard Adams (Author of the beloved Watership Down). It's about a girl in a fantastical kingdom whose step-father becomes her lover, and her mother, in rage, sells her into slavery. She meets all sorts of depraved souls, but finally works her way up in the kingdom to the point where she is the one who must save it. I also found a series of books in the used bookstore called The Baroness, which were about a female James Bond type who fucked and killed with equal glee.

I also studied theater in college, and theater people are a lot more sexually experimental and open (as compared to society at large, especially when you consider the fact that I lived in a very red state). I met my roommates through the theater, and one of my roommates and I had a tradition for a while of reading chapters out of Anne Rice's (under a pseudonym) Beauty series. It was also during college that an acquaintance of mine invited me to a dance that was heavily attended by her BDSM group.

It was there I met my former Master and his very lovely slave. I become a collared submissive of his several months after meeting them. They had been searching for a third for a while, and I became that person for a year or so. After our relationship shifted and I ended up moving to another state, I didn't get to speak to my former Sir on a regular basis until years later, when he became my Mentor in the zen tradition.

Now I am no longer at a place where I have him as a mentor per se, though I still look to him for advice and insight upon occasion. But he and his slave are still very important to me, though it may be difficult to see that from how much we are (and are not) part of each other's lives. Sometimes an outside eye cannot discern the bonds of energy and obligation that connect people to one another.

At this point, I am fairly seriously involved in the BSDM community, while at the same time continuing my education into all things metaphysical and zen. I teach classes on energy through my kink community upon occasion, and I do what service I am called upon to do by the Universe. Or at least I try.

There are probably more stories to tell regarding how I came to be here. But that's probably enough for now (or too much and you stopped reading long ago). Hopefully you will find something of help to you in your journey by reading this blog and reaching out for your own understanding in your daily life.

May your life be interesting, complex, and filled with absolute joy and wonder at the world.