Do you love the ocean less because you cannot control it? Or do you build the most sea-worthy ship you are capable of making and let her carry you to some new shore?
As of late, letting go and submitting to the will of the universe has been difficult. Hearing the small, still voice inside of me is even harder, as my fraught mind has been spinning (and there isn't enough WD40 available to quiet that squeaking wheel).
All of the spiritual texts say that you need to find the flow and become one with it. Some of those texts say we "co-create" our lives with the powers that are at work in the universe. Some say God helps those who help themselves. Some say that we have been given ultimate power to choose (though often we choose not to).
For those who do not believe in an "active universe," perhaps the findings of psychologists who talk about "flow state" can be more compelling. We find that when we are in that state of being, we are totally immersed in/focused on an activity and our emotions are channeled into/positively energized by the task. It is almost a rapturous state. And to be barred from that flow can cause ennui, depression, and anxiety.
In order to have my life working in a way that seems most effective/positive, I have found that I have to be taking some action on my own behalf. But I also need to be quiet enough in my mind to listen to both my own intuition and to the whispers of the universe. And I need to honor those activities that put me in a state of flow with myself. And finally, I have to honor those calls to flow which the universe makes on my behalf.
Sometimes when we serve, we are granted the flow state. Usually it is when we serve someone or something which we deeply love or to which we are deeply devoted. In that state, we often lose track of ourselves, so focused are we on the task or the object of our service.
I have been struggling lately to find the routes which lead me to flow and to trust that those things on the physical level I need (food, rent, creative projects, hot sex) will be added to that. But I get scared. I am sometimes unable to find flow with the universe. I struggle, and instead of floating in the water, I begin to drown...
It is hard to have faith. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way, has a phrase that I often hearken back to... "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." I used to wonder why she hadn't used the word "disbelief" instead, but I think now I have an inkling. I truly believe in a supportive/active universe. Disbelief seems to mean a barring of existence, a negation. I don't feel that way. But sometimes, I don't know how it's all working, if it's working, or if it's working for everyone else just not me. I have become weak in my faith because I have been beaten by the waves of the ocean. I have been disappointed. Things have not worked. I do not know what is next. The waves have washed salt into my eyes and I cannot see...
At this point, I am called to submit on a soul level while still remaining an active agent in the physical world. But I need help bolstering my faith. I need sustenance in those moments when I do not negate the universe, but I cannot actively and totally believe on my own behalf. And so I repeat the phrase, "Help my unbelief."
When we sit by the metaphorical fire and tell stories of how we made it through these times, they will be great tales, probably with quite a lot of humor. But in the midst of our tossing about on the ocean, it is sometimes harder to see what's funny about all of this.
All that I can hope now is that by choosing to sail this ocean, and to build as sea-worthy a vessel as I am capable, that the wind and the waves will carry me to a better shore than that which I myself may have charted.
"Repression is not the way to virtue. When people restrain themselves out of fear, their lives are by necessity diminished. Only through freely chosen discipline can life be enjoyed and still kept within the bounds of reason." -Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
