I Know What I Want

I know what I want.

It’s not uncomplicated.

I have often fought the two seemingly dichotomous desires for the simple life and an amazing life of adventure and magic. I have often thought that because some of my desires are uncomplicated and universal (the need for love and affection, for example), that I myself am uncomplicated. And to be sure, there are parts of me that are very straight-forward; I am pretty happy with the good food/good fuck/good nap model of things.

But on the other hand, I’m not sure why I thought that the rest of me is (or should be) uncomplicated. I apparently like the complicated side of life. But there has been some confusion of late as to exactly what my part of the D/s world looks like.

First and foremost, I think that labels are often lacking in depth of meaning and although they are a useful shorthand way to start a conversation, they do not accurately/completely describe complex human beings.

Here is what my world looks like at this time:

I am a submissive in service to the Universe. I do not use the word slave here, as there is always (and must be) the integral notion of free will. And it is not something you can say is totally out of your control, as you are always able to decide not to take the call when it comes. There are prices for that, but it’s always your choice.

I’m poly and love a lot of people. I also like to have multiple partners, but I’m not as much of a slut as some people think (or would like me to be). I’ve been in monogamous relationships and been perfectly happy, as long as the person in question didn’t mind that I still loved (but didn’t sleep with) other people. I like men and women, though it’s hard for me to be in a relationship with just a woman because I love the male energy and the penis so very much.

I have deep levels of slavery running through my veins, but also those of mastery and dominance. I attribute some of this to past lives of both types. Some of it has to do with the energy of the people I am with and what it calls out of me.

I am inspired to become more sometimes to augment my ability to serve and sometimes to augment my ability to lead/control.

Hell, all of it is service, it just depends on how that service looks and what label you’re putting on it.

I like to top and bottom in play. I don’t call myself a switch because some people make assumptions about what that means and they would probably be wrong on all counts.

Calling myself a submissive does not mean that your property is safe from me. What makes your property safe is my ethical stance and your property’s devotion to you…

But forgive me if I digress…

What I want. I know what that is. I don’t often share this because I’m fairly private for being as gregarious as I often am and as open as I try to be while living my life. But sometimes it feels like there are things that really are no one else’s business (besides those people with whom I’m involved). There are people who are on the “need to know” list. And you probably know if you’re on mine.

And I don’t often share my other lists of the things I want in a potential relationship because it’s not really a “job listing” sort of thing I’m looking to fill. But I do have lists, if nothing else but to maintain clarity in my mind of what it is I am requesting of the universe. This is not the place for posting lists, and if you are overly curious, perhaps we can have tea and conversation regarding these items. But now is not the time for that. I attempt to trust the universe will put people in my path who are interesting/interested and we can take it from there…

What is difficult is believing and trusting that the universe cares about me and my desires enough to help out with this issue. I have no problem having faith for other people…part of my job in service is to have faith for other people when their faith is flagging.

But I have found that it is always harder for humans to have this for themselves than it is for them to have it for others. It seems it is also easier for us to have compassion for others than for ourselves as well.

I am blessed to have wonderful friends who have faith for me when mine flags.

I had a wonderful lunch this week with one of my dear friends who worked me through my latest moments of doubt. She urged me to own what it was that I wanted. To have faith that the universe would be listening and that in making this statement of desire, I would cleanse the fog from my third eye and be able to see those things which before I had been missing.

So this is where I am now. I am not confused. I am not delusional. I’m not wishy-washy because the labels don’t stick on me the way they’re supposed to stick…

I’m just not uncomplicated.

And I know what I want.