Apparently the universe has been reminding us of lessons we have (or should have) learned long ago. This week I got what my former Master calls "an expensive lesson for a cheap price."
With more BDSM elements finding their way into the vanilla world, we are having some odd disconnects with things that in the lifestyle keep us safe but that don't have a vanilla counterpart yet. There is a goodly amount of porn that features rough sex and some humiliation. Now I have to say I find watching this hot. But the problem is if men and women are learning to have sex from this, they are missing some of the critical structures that we have in the lifestyle that are understood and agreed upon. For me, I see there being three very important ideas that are missing from the vanilla introduction into rough sex.
First up is the notion of consent. Most people in the vanilla world know you have to have someone's consent to have sex with them. But sometimes the lines blur about consent, as often people assume no direct dissent means consent. Or it's ok not to have verbal consent if you don't let things lag long enough for the other person to voice dissent.
The second important element is negotiation. In porn, we see actors engaging in behavior without seeing any discussion as to what is going to happen or what the limits are. We don't see it, but porn stars negotiate what acts they will and won't do and the pay that is to be given for each act. They have already (theoretically) negotiated.
From the consumer side, however, all we see are two people meeting up and having "spontaneous" sex. They engage in sex acts that don't require permission and move from one type of sex fluidly into another. There are no stops for further negotiation. And even though we know in the back of our minds that things are consensual, in some of the rougher videos we hear dialogue that sounds anything but...
I think there are now generations where people feel like a form of consensual non-consent is supposed to happen related to the sex act. By this I mean if you go to the dorm room with someone you have implied consent for whatever happens, or if you get in a car with someone, again, implied consent. You put yourself in a situation where you obviously wanted sex. So you must want everything that happens. And once you are involved in foreplay, you have consented to go wherever the other person wants to take you. You both can employ all of the rough sex visuals you have learned (both male and female here)and you are doing "what is normal."
But did you really want to do everything you saw in the video? Is face slapping ok? Rough anal? Verbal humiliation? And what happens if you want half of that but not all of that? There is a huge amount of cognitive dissonance going on when you are enjoying and want half of it but not all of it.
But I think that the final and most important thing that we have here in the BDSM world is the safeword. Granted there are predators and unethical people in the lifestyle who will disregard a safeword. But for the most part, everyone is committed to the idea of a safeword and it's ability to slice through whatever else is in play to stop a scene. We are able to relax into edge play activities because we know that in the end we have control over what we are doing and having done to us.
Theoretically the safeword in vanilla sex is "no." But there is a sense that you aren't supposed to say no when you are in the middle of things. You aren't supposed to bring the sexy time to a halt if you've been enjoying things up until this point. And sometimes it's easier to go along with something you don't really want than deal with the imagined repercussions of stopping things. The notion of implied consent is strong.
Add to this the problem of introducing non-negotiated acts, where the other person is just going with the perceived flow of things. It's hard to hear no when the person's face is buried in a pillow or you have your hand over their mouth. And obviously it's hard to say it. It's hard to know when you've crossed a line.
Although it's easier to see this sort of thing happening to whomever it is on "the bottom," I think there are also pressures on the "top" to perform or continue, even if the person discovers in the middle of a sex act that the action is distasteful or damaging to them. It may look sexy to slap a person in the face, but what happens if that action brings up things inside you that you just don't have a framework to deal with?
I'm not saying that this doesn't happen in BDSM relationships. But it is the idea that we try and limit these sorts of misunderstandings as much as possible. We have support networks to talk about what happens to us in a scene gone wrong. We are highly aware of all the things that can go wrong (or we should be), and we have consented to some acts and put limits on others.
I think it's important to educate the vanilla world in some ways if we are luring them down the dark rabbit hole to kinky sex. We need to encourage people not to be afraid to talk about what sorts of things they might like or not like BEFORE they are engaging in "deviant sexual acts."
And finally, we need to de-stigmatize stopping a sexual encounter in the middle if things are going on which are not desired/consensual. We in the lifestyle have made a commitment to the idea of a safeword. It is our honor that is on the line if we don't support this idea, and our honor means something to us. But those in the vanilla world have not made the same commitments we have. They don't quite yet understand how to handle the darker sides of sex, even if they are engaging in it.
It may not have yet become clear to the vanilla world that no matter what something looks like, the difference between rape and rough, consensual sex are these three elements. The difference in the world of kink between edgy foreplay and assault is the ability to say a word and make it all stop, even if that word is never uttered.
If we are going to share our lovely, dangerous vices with the curious vanilla world, we have a responsibility to also share our safety nets.
And if you think it's not your responsibility to do so, you might want to reconsider. After all, just because you're kinky doesn't mean you automatically consent to a person doing something to you just because it's on your fetish list. Making the world a safer place is everyone's responsibility.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Fear
When we are children, we are taught to fear things. Our parents don't want us to be hurt, and therefore try and instill in us fear of what might hurt us. We are told not to touch the stove, because we can get burnt.
But more than the words, we are given an emotional valence to go with it. We are instilled with an accompanying reaction that makes our lizard brain fire up all the "fight/flight" chemicals and shove them through the body, increasing our respiration and our heart rate. Our mind worries. We imagine vividly the pain of the event, experiencing the hurt when in fact no hurt has occurred. But in this process, we train the mind to instantly bring up all these responses when we see/hear/think about that which MIGHT hurt us.
And then we are adults...
If I were to say to you to fear the stove now, you would probably pat me on the head like the deranged auntie that everyone humors. But how many things in your life do you unconsciously think about that immediately make your mind worry and inspire the fear response right now?
It would be foolish to avoid the stove because it might hurt us. We would miss out on things like yummy, warm food. It would be foolish to walk a large circle around our stove to avoid it.
It is one thing to understand that things may hurt us. It is another to fear them.
Here's the downside to fear... in the world of energy, fear is powerful. It gives power to the object creating the fear and it takes power away from us.
My former Master and I were discussing Kevin Smith's response to the threats and picketing against his film Red State by the Westboro Baptist Church. He was jovial and invited them to his screenings, he reverse-picketed their picketing with signs reading "God Hates Press Screenings" and so forth. In the face of threats against his family and his life, Smith went along as he always does... with a huge dose of in-your-face humor.
This is seemingly either bravery or insanity when faced with a force which is obviously able to (and not afraid to) hurt you. And while there may be many reasons to condemn Smith's actions, what I can say is that I feel him refusing to show fear when faced with potential danger is a good role-modeling of how one might handle that which is dangerous.
I think it is important to show people that giving into fear only dis-empowers you and empowers that which you are afraid of.
I remember being really upset after 911 in the election year when I was at a baseball game and pamphlets were being passed out on how to handle a terrorist attack. It wasn't the fact that the pamphlet had information in it on making sure you had a water supply, blankets, first aid kits, etc. It was the fact that all of the faces on the pamphlet were horribly worried and the writing in it was highly charged to provoke fear.
The problem I have with this is that in most cases, if there is a problem, you can't really do much more than you can do (which in many cases is very little). You can be prepared in general, which is prudent, but otherwise, being afraid of any even is pointless. Just because it might happen doesn't mean you should worry about it happening all the time and be afraid. It might NEVER happen. And you would have spent your whole in a fear-state for NO REASON. It did not keep you safer. You experienced the catastrophic event in your mind and your body. But there was never any reality. And even if the event does occur, after having been in fear state for so long, your reserves are probably tapped out and you aren't in any better position to deal with it anyway.
So why make us afraid of things like this? Because it puts us in that child state again, and we are easily manipulated and lead.
Some might argue that the pulse-pounding rush of adrenaline is hot and fun. Ok. Fine. But that is a limited point in time while you're watching a horror flick or doing "fear play" in a scene. But living that way is consenting to have no power and to give your power to cope away. And where it goes in the spiritual/energetic realm is to the thing you are afraid of or to the people who are manipulating your fear.
One of the mantras in Reiki (written by Mikao Usui) is this:
"Just for today,
do not anger, do not worry,
Do your work with appreciation,
Be kind to all living things."
The translations vary a bit, but you can see the meaning. If I find I am battling against my own tendency to worry (or all the worry floating about in the ether), it is comforting to think that just for today, I can put down the worry. And if every day I affirm this, then every day I am letting go of fear...
If we are to give power to other people, things, or ideas, it should be done with our full intention and consent.
There is not much I am afraid of at this point. Don't get me wrong, I have a preference and I have the normal, knee-jerk reaction to try and avoid pain in many instances. But I work through all of that to be more in control of my reaction and where and to whom I grant my power.
To be a total geek, I often think of the scene in Dune where the Bene Gesserit Reverend Mother holds the Gom Jibar (a needle-like weapon) at the neck of Paul while creating excruciating pain in his hand through nerve pressure while it's in "the box." The notion is that it is a test of being human, the ability to save one's life through not giving in to the animal instinct against pain. In order to help his mind combat this urge, Paul repeats this mantra against Fear:
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Now just so we have levity in this, I will tell you I got an awesome sticker at Comic-con one year that was this mantra but with it being all about Beer instead.
I am purposefully adding geekery and humor to this because I want to practice what I preach.
I understand that life might hurt me. But I'm going to laugh at it for as long as I am able...
But more than the words, we are given an emotional valence to go with it. We are instilled with an accompanying reaction that makes our lizard brain fire up all the "fight/flight" chemicals and shove them through the body, increasing our respiration and our heart rate. Our mind worries. We imagine vividly the pain of the event, experiencing the hurt when in fact no hurt has occurred. But in this process, we train the mind to instantly bring up all these responses when we see/hear/think about that which MIGHT hurt us.
And then we are adults...
If I were to say to you to fear the stove now, you would probably pat me on the head like the deranged auntie that everyone humors. But how many things in your life do you unconsciously think about that immediately make your mind worry and inspire the fear response right now?
It would be foolish to avoid the stove because it might hurt us. We would miss out on things like yummy, warm food. It would be foolish to walk a large circle around our stove to avoid it.
It is one thing to understand that things may hurt us. It is another to fear them.
Here's the downside to fear... in the world of energy, fear is powerful. It gives power to the object creating the fear and it takes power away from us.
My former Master and I were discussing Kevin Smith's response to the threats and picketing against his film Red State by the Westboro Baptist Church. He was jovial and invited them to his screenings, he reverse-picketed their picketing with signs reading "God Hates Press Screenings" and so forth. In the face of threats against his family and his life, Smith went along as he always does... with a huge dose of in-your-face humor.
This is seemingly either bravery or insanity when faced with a force which is obviously able to (and not afraid to) hurt you. And while there may be many reasons to condemn Smith's actions, what I can say is that I feel him refusing to show fear when faced with potential danger is a good role-modeling of how one might handle that which is dangerous.
I think it is important to show people that giving into fear only dis-empowers you and empowers that which you are afraid of.
I remember being really upset after 911 in the election year when I was at a baseball game and pamphlets were being passed out on how to handle a terrorist attack. It wasn't the fact that the pamphlet had information in it on making sure you had a water supply, blankets, first aid kits, etc. It was the fact that all of the faces on the pamphlet were horribly worried and the writing in it was highly charged to provoke fear.
The problem I have with this is that in most cases, if there is a problem, you can't really do much more than you can do (which in many cases is very little). You can be prepared in general, which is prudent, but otherwise, being afraid of any even is pointless. Just because it might happen doesn't mean you should worry about it happening all the time and be afraid. It might NEVER happen. And you would have spent your whole in a fear-state for NO REASON. It did not keep you safer. You experienced the catastrophic event in your mind and your body. But there was never any reality. And even if the event does occur, after having been in fear state for so long, your reserves are probably tapped out and you aren't in any better position to deal with it anyway.
So why make us afraid of things like this? Because it puts us in that child state again, and we are easily manipulated and lead.
Some might argue that the pulse-pounding rush of adrenaline is hot and fun. Ok. Fine. But that is a limited point in time while you're watching a horror flick or doing "fear play" in a scene. But living that way is consenting to have no power and to give your power to cope away. And where it goes in the spiritual/energetic realm is to the thing you are afraid of or to the people who are manipulating your fear.
One of the mantras in Reiki (written by Mikao Usui) is this:
"Just for today,
do not anger, do not worry,
Do your work with appreciation,
Be kind to all living things."
The translations vary a bit, but you can see the meaning. If I find I am battling against my own tendency to worry (or all the worry floating about in the ether), it is comforting to think that just for today, I can put down the worry. And if every day I affirm this, then every day I am letting go of fear...
If we are to give power to other people, things, or ideas, it should be done with our full intention and consent.
There is not much I am afraid of at this point. Don't get me wrong, I have a preference and I have the normal, knee-jerk reaction to try and avoid pain in many instances. But I work through all of that to be more in control of my reaction and where and to whom I grant my power.
To be a total geek, I often think of the scene in Dune where the Bene Gesserit Reverend Mother holds the Gom Jibar (a needle-like weapon) at the neck of Paul while creating excruciating pain in his hand through nerve pressure while it's in "the box." The notion is that it is a test of being human, the ability to save one's life through not giving in to the animal instinct against pain. In order to help his mind combat this urge, Paul repeats this mantra against Fear:
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Now just so we have levity in this, I will tell you I got an awesome sticker at Comic-con one year that was this mantra but with it being all about Beer instead.
I am purposefully adding geekery and humor to this because I want to practice what I preach.
I understand that life might hurt me. But I'm going to laugh at it for as long as I am able...
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Fully Formed
The myth of the birth of Athena has the goddess of wisdom and warfare springing from her father's head fully formed.
When Buddha was born, he immediately began walking, and lotus flowers sprung up from where he stepped. We have stories of him having experiences leading up to his "sudden enlightenment" under the Bodhi tree, but as far as I can tell, he never really fucked up on his way to enlightenment.
Luckily for us, Buddha was able to set forth a way in which one could reach that same freedom. However, following such a path is not as easy as it seems. When we reach another educational milestone, we can often look back and see our missteps and the extra work we wouldn't have had to do if we had just known then what we know now...
We also do not know for certain what happened between Jesus' birth in the manger to when he showed up as the Messiah. We know the outcome, but we aren't quite sure what happened to get him from point A to point B. We don't get to see the mistakes, the corrections, the events which honed the character of this holy man.
Other figures in history (or myth) may have more of their early lives set down in print for us to study. We get to see how they were influenced, who they learned from, and how they "came into their own" eventually.
Many young monks study under Masters so that they can have a direct transmission of knowledge from those who have attained a certain level of distinction in the spiritual realm.
Because my path of personal growth involves both the spiritual world and the BDSM one, I often take the same questions from one into the other. There are many traditions, including Leather, where someone wishing admittance into this realm submits to a Master in order to grow toward either their highest form of submission/slavery, or to their own Mastery.
Although some of the more formalized paths to apprentice oneself have been lost in parts of the lifestyle, one can still find mentors. There are also groups which will help provide a template to judge one's progress in one's Mastery in the BDSM world. You can look at a rubric to determine how well you are progressing in skills acquisition, community service, household building, etc. There are classes you can take, books you can read, events you can attend...
Yet even though this progression towards one's highest calling (whatever that is) has a lineage and suggested possible "ways of becoming," there is still some notion that Masters should come fully formed. That although it's ok not to know things as a submissive or slave ('cause training is hot, yes?), if you desire to be a Master, you should have it all figured out.
Some of this might be because of a lack of good words to describe the growth process. I have heard some say they are "on the Master path," but what does one call a person who desires to be a Master, and yet has not attained a level to which they can claim Mastery? You can say you are a "Master in Training," of course. But are you really training under an actual Master? When do you know you have attained Mastery if you don't have an actual person mentoring you?
If there is no Leather gods to give you the title, I suppose you can look at the rubric and figure out if you've crossed off all the requirements. You can just put the title on your Fetlife page and not worry about it. You can wait until you have a person in collar that makes you feel like you can now prove you are Master.
I guess what always interests me as far as assuming titles is the "between times" when you are not a Master, and yet you are not truly a submissive or a slave either. I feel like everyone should always be learning things, and so education is never done. We all have room to improve until we're dead. But in the lifestyle, you are asked to chose words to describe yourself unless you are part of a unit which does that for you. Otherwise, it's up to you to decide when you have reached a state where you have earned the title you choose.
Again with the unstated beliefs, people don't usually feel like you "earn" the title of slave or submissive, which I think doesn't get talked about so much. You are one, and there is no level of attainment as far as title goes unless you want to "work your way up" to be a Master, which can imply something as well.
Half of what I know of M/s I learned from my former Master. He found Mastery to be his calling. He says that he thinks all Masters have doubts at some point about their abilities to accomplish things or to be the type of person they would like to be. But he never really doubted his desire to be a Master. It just felt right to him. He was able to learn and grow in tandem with his slave. However, they had known each other before the M/s dynamic came into play and perhaps they trusted each other more because of that.
He has said to me that you have to expect to fuck up. And you have the responsibility to make things right, no matter how long it takes. To him, Mastery is not the absence of mistakes, but the commitment to minimize them if one can and to correct what needs corrected.
This man was also my mentor in my zen studies. It is said that you can always tell who a student's Master is by the way the student thinks and is trained, as if there were a indelible mark left behind along with understanding. I also believe that it is a reciprocal state, that in any long-term relationship you begin to see the mark of the student on the Master as well.
My former Master gave me some advice concerning my growth in the spirit world. He said to not let fear keep me from learning what I need to learn, to take my time and not rush myself, and the thing he did not say (but I heard loudly) was to gain knowledge and understanding so that when you have power, you make quality, informed decisions that you hopefully will not regret. And if you screw up, you have the responsibility to fix whatever you have broken.
He also said that in teaching me things, he is extending his world view, his view of M/s, and his ability to affect positive change through me and my actions in the world.
I assume I will know it when I reach the points I'm supposed to reach, that I will step into the boots I'm supposed to wear in both worlds. Hopefully my growth and action will bring honor to him and to his house.
I am not stepping into this life fully formed. I am in the amorphous stage where there is much that is unknown. There is a discomfort to bear when one is shifting, approaching a "level up" energetically.
I take comfort in the fact I am not alone, and that I have been given the time and grace to grow...
When Buddha was born, he immediately began walking, and lotus flowers sprung up from where he stepped. We have stories of him having experiences leading up to his "sudden enlightenment" under the Bodhi tree, but as far as I can tell, he never really fucked up on his way to enlightenment.
Luckily for us, Buddha was able to set forth a way in which one could reach that same freedom. However, following such a path is not as easy as it seems. When we reach another educational milestone, we can often look back and see our missteps and the extra work we wouldn't have had to do if we had just known then what we know now...
We also do not know for certain what happened between Jesus' birth in the manger to when he showed up as the Messiah. We know the outcome, but we aren't quite sure what happened to get him from point A to point B. We don't get to see the mistakes, the corrections, the events which honed the character of this holy man.
Other figures in history (or myth) may have more of their early lives set down in print for us to study. We get to see how they were influenced, who they learned from, and how they "came into their own" eventually.
Many young monks study under Masters so that they can have a direct transmission of knowledge from those who have attained a certain level of distinction in the spiritual realm.
Because my path of personal growth involves both the spiritual world and the BDSM one, I often take the same questions from one into the other. There are many traditions, including Leather, where someone wishing admittance into this realm submits to a Master in order to grow toward either their highest form of submission/slavery, or to their own Mastery.
Although some of the more formalized paths to apprentice oneself have been lost in parts of the lifestyle, one can still find mentors. There are also groups which will help provide a template to judge one's progress in one's Mastery in the BDSM world. You can look at a rubric to determine how well you are progressing in skills acquisition, community service, household building, etc. There are classes you can take, books you can read, events you can attend...
Yet even though this progression towards one's highest calling (whatever that is) has a lineage and suggested possible "ways of becoming," there is still some notion that Masters should come fully formed. That although it's ok not to know things as a submissive or slave ('cause training is hot, yes?), if you desire to be a Master, you should have it all figured out.
Some of this might be because of a lack of good words to describe the growth process. I have heard some say they are "on the Master path," but what does one call a person who desires to be a Master, and yet has not attained a level to which they can claim Mastery? You can say you are a "Master in Training," of course. But are you really training under an actual Master? When do you know you have attained Mastery if you don't have an actual person mentoring you?
If there is no Leather gods to give you the title, I suppose you can look at the rubric and figure out if you've crossed off all the requirements. You can just put the title on your Fetlife page and not worry about it. You can wait until you have a person in collar that makes you feel like you can now prove you are Master.
I guess what always interests me as far as assuming titles is the "between times" when you are not a Master, and yet you are not truly a submissive or a slave either. I feel like everyone should always be learning things, and so education is never done. We all have room to improve until we're dead. But in the lifestyle, you are asked to chose words to describe yourself unless you are part of a unit which does that for you. Otherwise, it's up to you to decide when you have reached a state where you have earned the title you choose.
Again with the unstated beliefs, people don't usually feel like you "earn" the title of slave or submissive, which I think doesn't get talked about so much. You are one, and there is no level of attainment as far as title goes unless you want to "work your way up" to be a Master, which can imply something as well.
Half of what I know of M/s I learned from my former Master. He found Mastery to be his calling. He says that he thinks all Masters have doubts at some point about their abilities to accomplish things or to be the type of person they would like to be. But he never really doubted his desire to be a Master. It just felt right to him. He was able to learn and grow in tandem with his slave. However, they had known each other before the M/s dynamic came into play and perhaps they trusted each other more because of that.
He has said to me that you have to expect to fuck up. And you have the responsibility to make things right, no matter how long it takes. To him, Mastery is not the absence of mistakes, but the commitment to minimize them if one can and to correct what needs corrected.
This man was also my mentor in my zen studies. It is said that you can always tell who a student's Master is by the way the student thinks and is trained, as if there were a indelible mark left behind along with understanding. I also believe that it is a reciprocal state, that in any long-term relationship you begin to see the mark of the student on the Master as well.
My former Master gave me some advice concerning my growth in the spirit world. He said to not let fear keep me from learning what I need to learn, to take my time and not rush myself, and the thing he did not say (but I heard loudly) was to gain knowledge and understanding so that when you have power, you make quality, informed decisions that you hopefully will not regret. And if you screw up, you have the responsibility to fix whatever you have broken.
He also said that in teaching me things, he is extending his world view, his view of M/s, and his ability to affect positive change through me and my actions in the world.
I assume I will know it when I reach the points I'm supposed to reach, that I will step into the boots I'm supposed to wear in both worlds. Hopefully my growth and action will bring honor to him and to his house.
I am not stepping into this life fully formed. I am in the amorphous stage where there is much that is unknown. There is a discomfort to bear when one is shifting, approaching a "level up" energetically.
I take comfort in the fact I am not alone, and that I have been given the time and grace to grow...
Monday, September 10, 2012
Transparency on Both Sides of the Slash
There are always articles and blogs and posts about how people on the right side of the slash should be practicing transparency.
I believe that it is a very worthy goal to communicate the truth of our souls to another person or persons. We want the people with whom we are connected to have the deepest and most intimate bonds we can create.
We are terrified of people seeing our true selves and all the ugliness we are worried we have within us. We believe if they could see everything, they would be ashamed, repelled. They would leave us. And what this means to the lizard brain is what it meant back in ancient history; if we are cast out of the village, we will be alone in the forest and eventually be eaten by wolves. To our our ancient mind, rejection equals death.
When we begin to unfold our selves, we feel incredibly vulnerable. We do not know that we are safe. And sometimes, we aren't. But when we are able to open and not be hurt, we then are able to open more. It is a process of knowing someone...
Where I think we may get into trouble in the lifestyle is the the notion that it is only the business/work of the submissive or slave to work on their transparency. There are journaling activities, verbalizing practices, support networks, and so on, all targeted at getting the "s" types to open up and share everything with their partner(s).
But what about the other side of the slash?
I find that sometimes, Dominants and Masters don't always think that it's necessary to share with such openness. That it's ok to hide themselves from their partners for the sake of increasing the dynamic. The thinking goes that if my submissive or slave knows all of me or my mind/goals/plans, that they will be in a power position instead of me. The left side of the slash is maintaining their power by withholding knowledge. And as we know, knowledge is power.
This sort of secrecy works out to act as a blind to hide behind when a lower case letter asks about whether or not the upper case types were aware of something or had plans to do something. The upper case can then lie and say "Oh, yes, of course I knew that" or "I already had that planned, and you are trying to ruin the surprise/top from the bottom/be impatient." They get to appear smarter or better prepared because their counterparts are not let in to know their minds.
It is not always the case that Dominants are using non-transparency to hide lacking they might feel or to try to increase their power through opacity. Sometimes they are just not in the emotional habit of being vulnerable. Sometimes they have become a capital letter just so they don't ever have to feel out of control or emotionally vulnerable. A hint: it never works out that way, but most people don't listen to that hint...
I can tell you what the worst thing about working on transparency and openness is from my point of view. If I am trying to share my deepest self, and I send that out to another person and it is met with... a stone wall... I feel terribly alone. Or when I share my fear or joy and all I get back is, "Good girl. Thanks for sharing..."
There is nothing that makes you feel more alone in a "relationship" than placing all of yourself in someone's hands and being in receipt of nothing of themselves in return.
Some argue that the Dominant will know you and make decisions in your best interest and you don't really need to see them in the same amount of clarity. You just need to develop trust of their decisions and you will be fine.
But I always wonder who it is that I am putting my trust into? What are their fears? What are their joys? What are their hopes and dreams? Am I expected to wait until they give me an order and I will just do it and nothing further?
Maybe this means I am not good at being a lower case. But no matter what side of the equation I am on, I want to know the mind of the person I am serving or who is serving me. I want to be able to know how I can make their life better in ways that will matter deeply to them. I want to be able to offer them alternatives if I cannot give them directly what they need (and vice versa). I want to increase their joy. And if I cannot help them, I need to experience sorrow with them for the perceived lack.
And on a purely practical note, how will a submissive or slave know that their Dominant/Master has ethics and morals (or hell, even kinks) that align with theirs if they don't know who this person is on the deepest level?
How can you have true consent if you don't know what you are consenting to? How can you know you really want A SPECIFIC PERSON to serve or be served by you if you don't know who they are? Why would you want to give power to an unknown quantity? Do you let some person off the street hold a knife to your throat?
If all you want is your coffee given to you, then all you need to share is how you like your coffee.
But if you want to know the entire mind and soul of a person, then I'm afraid you need to be willing to give that in return.
Maybe what you want "ain't that deep."
But that doesn't work for me. I like getting deep. It's messy. It's scary. I get hurt and I hurt. I recoil and close, and then push myself to open back up. I ebb and I flow...
But without that vulnerability, without that openness and sharing, I can never have the kind of relationships I want. So I keep practicing transparency.
It is my work to be willing and able to be transparent, no matter what side of the slash I inhabit. It's hard. I admit, I'm not the best at it. But I assume I will get better, as will my counterparts. And one of these days, we will truly see each other.
And no one will be cast out of the village and be eaten by wolves:)
I believe that it is a very worthy goal to communicate the truth of our souls to another person or persons. We want the people with whom we are connected to have the deepest and most intimate bonds we can create.
We are terrified of people seeing our true selves and all the ugliness we are worried we have within us. We believe if they could see everything, they would be ashamed, repelled. They would leave us. And what this means to the lizard brain is what it meant back in ancient history; if we are cast out of the village, we will be alone in the forest and eventually be eaten by wolves. To our our ancient mind, rejection equals death.
When we begin to unfold our selves, we feel incredibly vulnerable. We do not know that we are safe. And sometimes, we aren't. But when we are able to open and not be hurt, we then are able to open more. It is a process of knowing someone...
Where I think we may get into trouble in the lifestyle is the the notion that it is only the business/work of the submissive or slave to work on their transparency. There are journaling activities, verbalizing practices, support networks, and so on, all targeted at getting the "s" types to open up and share everything with their partner(s).
But what about the other side of the slash?
I find that sometimes, Dominants and Masters don't always think that it's necessary to share with such openness. That it's ok to hide themselves from their partners for the sake of increasing the dynamic. The thinking goes that if my submissive or slave knows all of me or my mind/goals/plans, that they will be in a power position instead of me. The left side of the slash is maintaining their power by withholding knowledge. And as we know, knowledge is power.
This sort of secrecy works out to act as a blind to hide behind when a lower case letter asks about whether or not the upper case types were aware of something or had plans to do something. The upper case can then lie and say "Oh, yes, of course I knew that" or "I already had that planned, and you are trying to ruin the surprise/top from the bottom/be impatient." They get to appear smarter or better prepared because their counterparts are not let in to know their minds.
It is not always the case that Dominants are using non-transparency to hide lacking they might feel or to try to increase their power through opacity. Sometimes they are just not in the emotional habit of being vulnerable. Sometimes they have become a capital letter just so they don't ever have to feel out of control or emotionally vulnerable. A hint: it never works out that way, but most people don't listen to that hint...
I can tell you what the worst thing about working on transparency and openness is from my point of view. If I am trying to share my deepest self, and I send that out to another person and it is met with... a stone wall... I feel terribly alone. Or when I share my fear or joy and all I get back is, "Good girl. Thanks for sharing..."
There is nothing that makes you feel more alone in a "relationship" than placing all of yourself in someone's hands and being in receipt of nothing of themselves in return.
Some argue that the Dominant will know you and make decisions in your best interest and you don't really need to see them in the same amount of clarity. You just need to develop trust of their decisions and you will be fine.
But I always wonder who it is that I am putting my trust into? What are their fears? What are their joys? What are their hopes and dreams? Am I expected to wait until they give me an order and I will just do it and nothing further?
Maybe this means I am not good at being a lower case. But no matter what side of the equation I am on, I want to know the mind of the person I am serving or who is serving me. I want to be able to know how I can make their life better in ways that will matter deeply to them. I want to be able to offer them alternatives if I cannot give them directly what they need (and vice versa). I want to increase their joy. And if I cannot help them, I need to experience sorrow with them for the perceived lack.
And on a purely practical note, how will a submissive or slave know that their Dominant/Master has ethics and morals (or hell, even kinks) that align with theirs if they don't know who this person is on the deepest level?
How can you have true consent if you don't know what you are consenting to? How can you know you really want A SPECIFIC PERSON to serve or be served by you if you don't know who they are? Why would you want to give power to an unknown quantity? Do you let some person off the street hold a knife to your throat?
If all you want is your coffee given to you, then all you need to share is how you like your coffee.
But if you want to know the entire mind and soul of a person, then I'm afraid you need to be willing to give that in return.
Maybe what you want "ain't that deep."
But that doesn't work for me. I like getting deep. It's messy. It's scary. I get hurt and I hurt. I recoil and close, and then push myself to open back up. I ebb and I flow...
But without that vulnerability, without that openness and sharing, I can never have the kind of relationships I want. So I keep practicing transparency.
It is my work to be willing and able to be transparent, no matter what side of the slash I inhabit. It's hard. I admit, I'm not the best at it. But I assume I will get better, as will my counterparts. And one of these days, we will truly see each other.
And no one will be cast out of the village and be eaten by wolves:)
Saturday, September 1, 2012
I Know What I Want
I know what I want.
It’s not uncomplicated.
I have often fought the two seemingly dichotomous desires for the simple life and an amazing life of adventure and magic. I have often thought that because some of my desires are uncomplicated and universal (the need for love and affection, for example), that I myself am uncomplicated. And to be sure, there are parts of me that are very straight-forward; I am pretty happy with the good food/good fuck/good nap model of things.
But on the other hand, I’m not sure why I thought that the rest of me is (or should be) uncomplicated. I apparently like the complicated side of life. But there has been some confusion of late as to exactly what my part of the D/s world looks like.
First and foremost, I think that labels are often lacking in depth of meaning and although they are a useful shorthand way to start a conversation, they do not accurately/completely describe complex human beings.
Here is what my world looks like at this time:
I am a submissive in service to the Universe. I do not use the word slave here, as there is always (and must be) the integral notion of free will. And it is not something you can say is totally out of your control, as you are always able to decide not to take the call when it comes. There are prices for that, but it’s always your choice.
I’m poly and love a lot of people. I also like to have multiple partners, but I’m not as much of a slut as some people think (or would like me to be). I’ve been in monogamous relationships and been perfectly happy, as long as the person in question didn’t mind that I still loved (but didn’t sleep with) other people. I like men and women, though it’s hard for me to be in a relationship with just a woman because I love the male energy and the penis so very much.
I have deep levels of slavery running through my veins, but also those of mastery and dominance. I attribute some of this to past lives of both types. Some of it has to do with the energy of the people I am with and what it calls out of me.
I am inspired to become more sometimes to augment my ability to serve and sometimes to augment my ability to lead/control.
Hell, all of it is service, it just depends on how that service looks and what label you’re putting on it.
I like to top and bottom in play. I don’t call myself a switch because some people make assumptions about what that means and they would probably be wrong on all counts.
Calling myself a submissive does not mean that your property is safe from me. What makes your property safe is my ethical stance and your property’s devotion to you…
But forgive me if I digress…
What I want. I know what that is. I don’t often share this because I’m fairly private for being as gregarious as I often am and as open as I try to be while living my life. But sometimes it feels like there are things that really are no one else’s business (besides those people with whom I’m involved). There are people who are on the “need to know” list. And you probably know if you’re on mine.
And I don’t often share my other lists of the things I want in a potential relationship because it’s not really a “job listing” sort of thing I’m looking to fill. But I do have lists, if nothing else but to maintain clarity in my mind of what it is I am requesting of the universe. This is not the place for posting lists, and if you are overly curious, perhaps we can have tea and conversation regarding these items. But now is not the time for that. I attempt to trust the universe will put people in my path who are interesting/interested and we can take it from there…
What is difficult is believing and trusting that the universe cares about me and my desires enough to help out with this issue. I have no problem having faith for other people…part of my job in service is to have faith for other people when their faith is flagging.
But I have found that it is always harder for humans to have this for themselves than it is for them to have it for others. It seems it is also easier for us to have compassion for others than for ourselves as well.
I am blessed to have wonderful friends who have faith for me when mine flags.
I had a wonderful lunch this week with one of my dear friends who worked me through my latest moments of doubt. She urged me to own what it was that I wanted. To have faith that the universe would be listening and that in making this statement of desire, I would cleanse the fog from my third eye and be able to see those things which before I had been missing.
So this is where I am now. I am not confused. I am not delusional. I’m not wishy-washy because the labels don’t stick on me the way they’re supposed to stick…
I’m just not uncomplicated.
And I know what I want.
It’s not uncomplicated.
I have often fought the two seemingly dichotomous desires for the simple life and an amazing life of adventure and magic. I have often thought that because some of my desires are uncomplicated and universal (the need for love and affection, for example), that I myself am uncomplicated. And to be sure, there are parts of me that are very straight-forward; I am pretty happy with the good food/good fuck/good nap model of things.
But on the other hand, I’m not sure why I thought that the rest of me is (or should be) uncomplicated. I apparently like the complicated side of life. But there has been some confusion of late as to exactly what my part of the D/s world looks like.
First and foremost, I think that labels are often lacking in depth of meaning and although they are a useful shorthand way to start a conversation, they do not accurately/completely describe complex human beings.
Here is what my world looks like at this time:
I am a submissive in service to the Universe. I do not use the word slave here, as there is always (and must be) the integral notion of free will. And it is not something you can say is totally out of your control, as you are always able to decide not to take the call when it comes. There are prices for that, but it’s always your choice.
I’m poly and love a lot of people. I also like to have multiple partners, but I’m not as much of a slut as some people think (or would like me to be). I’ve been in monogamous relationships and been perfectly happy, as long as the person in question didn’t mind that I still loved (but didn’t sleep with) other people. I like men and women, though it’s hard for me to be in a relationship with just a woman because I love the male energy and the penis so very much.
I have deep levels of slavery running through my veins, but also those of mastery and dominance. I attribute some of this to past lives of both types. Some of it has to do with the energy of the people I am with and what it calls out of me.
I am inspired to become more sometimes to augment my ability to serve and sometimes to augment my ability to lead/control.
Hell, all of it is service, it just depends on how that service looks and what label you’re putting on it.
I like to top and bottom in play. I don’t call myself a switch because some people make assumptions about what that means and they would probably be wrong on all counts.
Calling myself a submissive does not mean that your property is safe from me. What makes your property safe is my ethical stance and your property’s devotion to you…
But forgive me if I digress…
What I want. I know what that is. I don’t often share this because I’m fairly private for being as gregarious as I often am and as open as I try to be while living my life. But sometimes it feels like there are things that really are no one else’s business (besides those people with whom I’m involved). There are people who are on the “need to know” list. And you probably know if you’re on mine.
And I don’t often share my other lists of the things I want in a potential relationship because it’s not really a “job listing” sort of thing I’m looking to fill. But I do have lists, if nothing else but to maintain clarity in my mind of what it is I am requesting of the universe. This is not the place for posting lists, and if you are overly curious, perhaps we can have tea and conversation regarding these items. But now is not the time for that. I attempt to trust the universe will put people in my path who are interesting/interested and we can take it from there…
What is difficult is believing and trusting that the universe cares about me and my desires enough to help out with this issue. I have no problem having faith for other people…part of my job in service is to have faith for other people when their faith is flagging.
But I have found that it is always harder for humans to have this for themselves than it is for them to have it for others. It seems it is also easier for us to have compassion for others than for ourselves as well.
I am blessed to have wonderful friends who have faith for me when mine flags.
I had a wonderful lunch this week with one of my dear friends who worked me through my latest moments of doubt. She urged me to own what it was that I wanted. To have faith that the universe would be listening and that in making this statement of desire, I would cleanse the fog from my third eye and be able to see those things which before I had been missing.
So this is where I am now. I am not confused. I am not delusional. I’m not wishy-washy because the labels don’t stick on me the way they’re supposed to stick…
I’m just not uncomplicated.
And I know what I want.
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