Using Your Seat at the (Metaphorical) Table

Whenever a group of people who considers themselves to be disenfranchised fights for recognition and acceptance, they often use the metaphor of fighting for a "seat at the table." They want to be thought of as equals to those who already are part of the cultural norm. They want their thoughts to be considered in the conversations and their needs to be regarded as important and addressed along with those thoughts and needs of those who are already at the table.

I must give an incredible amount of respect to those who have fought for gender, racial, and sexual equality for all. They often risked not only social ridicule and rejection, but also many times risked life and limb. They went through hardships that many of us have only read about and been left to imagine.

However, we are at another stage in our growth as a society. Because of the work of our predecessors, we have the ability to claim alternative lifestyles as our own, we are able to talk to/date/love people of other races and one of these days we will hopefully be able to marry whatever gender we choose and have it be recognized legally and politically.

Yet even though many groups have won a seat at the table, there are many with an older-generational mindset who now eschew that seat and the discussions and friendships that might follow. I call this an older-generational mindset rather than a chronological issue because it is an antiquated belief system rather than an issue of age of the person in question.

There are people who say that they don't want to go to a specific event because they don't feel comfortable mingling. There are people who don't want to make others uncomfortable with their presence. There are people who say that no one can really understand them because the others didn't live through what they did. There are people who don't come to the table because even though they wanted the right to be there, they don't really feel like going through the added fight that it sometimes becomes to hold one's own with those others who are already seated there.

I think that there are three unfortunate aspects that occur because people are unwilling to all sit down together at the same table.

The first is that we do not give credit to our fellow humans to grow and change. We assume that things will always be how they have been. We do not grant our neighbors the ability to have the empathy to see our suffering and find that thing in themselves which recognizes our suffering as their own. We do not give full credit to the fact that people fear that which they don't know, and mistrust groups of people where they might not if they saw them as individuals. We do not take the responsibility to be uncomfortable so that people might eventually see us in the ways which are "like them" as opposed to the ways in which we are different.

I can tell you from personal experience growing up in the very rural Red State that I come from that it is a very different experience to understand that African Americans are equal than it is to have friends who are black with whom you hang out socially. There was only one black family in my home town while I was growing up, and they only lived there for about a year. So it was easy for people to verbally denigrate a group who were not present. They didn't have neighbors who ate with them and whose children played with theirs. So unless people had a firm sense of social justice within them organically, the notion of black rights and issues had no resonance or importance to them. But people like this are part of the voting public...

I think that many of the people in my home town have the ability to change, however, when they start to have direct interactions with people who are different. I have seen this when people start to have family members who are gay or who have friends who are gay. I have seen this when kids come home from college with a sweetheart from a foreign country. It may not be comfortable for everyone to go through the growing pains, but they do (for the most part) grow. Most of the time they do so because they are able to see the human-ness of the other people or they do so because they are motivated to drop their negative judgments for the sake of those they love.

I know my father had to grow outside his comfort zone when my college roommate, who he had gotten to know and like, came out of the closet as a lesbian. He was genuinely puzzled as to why someone would chose that life, but he finally shrugged and decided she was the same person she had been and went on about his life. And she and her girlfriend came to Christmas at our house a few years later, and everyone had a lovely time. We all would have missed some wonderful interactions and a chance to be more open and loving people had we not moved forward with the belief that people can change.

The second problem I see with not sitting at the table together is that those in the younger generation do not get to see their elders working/living peacefully together, nor do they have access to the amazing teachers and leaders of each group. How much of the population's brilliance are we missing because we block them out of the conversation, and how much more do we lose because we do not see it as our responsibility to sit at our seat and be heard?

If we want our society to get to a point where racial/gender/sexual issues are not a point of contention, the younger people coming up have to be taught by example that it can be done. And I think by looking at the younger generation in the kink community that they are much more open and fluid than we ever were. However, they may lack the knowledge and wisdom that the older generation has, and it may set them up for a much harder life if they are forced to reinvent the wheel at every turn.

The final problem I see with not being at the table is that by refusing to be uncomfortable, we open ourselves up for persecution in the future. If we are not part of the political conversation, if we are not part of the social conversation, if we are not an active part of our communities and culture then we are mute and helpless when things go wrong. It is fine to say we like spending time with our own tribe, but we cannot segregate ourselves totally.

Many of you have seen this quote changed up, but here is the quote by Martin Niemoller regarding the Nazis:

"First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.

Then they came for the socialists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me."


Perhaps this may seem overly dramatic. But as a student of history, I understand that backward movement happens. I think of the Dark Ages. I think of the fact it only took 150 years for people to lose the ability and scientific knowledge to fix the walls at Constantinople. I think of the inquisition and witch hunts. And I don't want to have my world be that way.

It's hard to be brave. It's hard to be uncomfortable. It's hard to fight again when you are weary from a lifetime of struggle. But I have to believe it is worth it.

I am one of the people who is hungry to learn from those who have come before me and who longs for a table full of loud, boisterous, and opinionated people who are different but the same.

And I'm not going to get that if I'm not at the table and if you are not at the table.

The Awkward, Pimply Adolescence of my Dominance

I can’t take credit for this metaphor. It was given to me by a very savvy slave who was attempting to help me express more clearly the place I found myself at on my journey. As soon as the phrase was uttered, however, I knew that this was the most succinct statement I had heard to-date to describe my growth from a submissive into a Dominant.

Although some people find their space in the kinky world and never shift from that position, I am thankful that there is a tradition to look to which espouses the notion of taking on each of the positions one might have in the D/s world with the theory that the best submissives/slaves make the best Dominants/Masters. I have found a bit of frustration, however, that there is not more written on the period in between. We see writings from the submissive/slave point of view regarding their journey. Heck, most people I know on that side of the slash have written a response to Slavecraft or “to my future Dominant” at some point in their lives. I also see lots of writings from Dominants and Masters as to where they are now and their expectations of themselves and those who serve them. But it is more rare (though not unheard of) to find a Master-in-the-making discussing the process as they are going through it…

This is similar to the frustration I found when looking to find the path of learning how to be a Mystic. You have the texts from the Mystics, and you study them, and if you’re lucky, you find someone to mentor you. But there aren’t all that many modern Mystics running around. There are all sorts of new age gurus who would love to let you cling to their yoga pants. There are any number of teachers who hang out in patchouli-scented occult stores who will be more than happy to tell you how you should find enlightenment while selling you a pentagram and a stylish cloak. But for the most part, I have found that there are a lot of “wanna-be” mystics out there and one is, for the most part, better off reading the texts from the Mystics of long ago.

I feel this way when looking at some Dominants and their writings as well. There are many people who call themselves Dominants or Masters in the lifestyle, but most of their writing is a regurgitation of something they heard someone else espouse, but that hasn’t really been practiced in their own life with any success. Occasionally it is only the stuff of spank fantasies, which although I’m as big of a fan as the next person, it isn’t really helpful if you are looking at implementing serious D/s in a 24/7 context into your life or becoming the type of person who is able to confidently claim their place in the kink world. I have been quietly listening to the handful of Dominants that make sense to me and I see being able to put their words into actions in their own lives. And I’ve been trying to read the books which have been written on the subject.

But so much of all of this is a part of the growth process that one has to experience for themselves to have it mean anything. As the saying goes, no one can eat your food for you. I guess what I’m saying is that it would be nice to hear more of the reassurance from Dominants/Masters that they did not spring from Zues’ head fully formed. That I am not alone in having this Jr. High stage of growth.

My voice is changing. It cracks a little when I spit out a command. It sounds a bit hesitant when it tries to claim a seat at the table where the more mature kids sit. It has the zits of puberty in the guise of half-formed flogging skills. The clothes and boots don’t look quite right because I haven’t “filled out” yet. I’m not cocky enough to inform the cute boy (or girl) at the locker next to me that they should get with me while they can because I’m pretty sure that in a couple years, I’m going to be one of the best rides ever. I want to be more self-sufficient, but I still need my Mom to drive me places. I haven’t mastered the mysteries of money and work, and maybe I’m a little more interested in play than in either of those. I can’t tell you to look at my track record to prove how good I am because the one I have isn’t long or impressive. I can ask you to trust me, but if you do, it’s because you’re brave and willing to take a risk not because of any evidence I can give you. My moods swing wildly with each perceived victory and crushing defeat.

There’s a part of me that wonders if this period will ever end… I cling to the notion that if I show up every day and go through the motions, and maybe work really hard on the stuff I enjoy, that I’ll pass and get to go to High School. However, I have been told by some of the smart Dominants I know that it’s not just putting time in/hanging out in the lifestyle that makes a really good D type. It takes skills and sweat and focus, and wanting it really, really badly. Or maybe just realizing that you can’t imagine a life without having that aspect working for you.

Just like in Jr. High, I find I am a wee bit jealous of those who have always known they were Dominants and never (seemingly) had any doubts as to who they were and what they were doing in the kink world. I am reminded sometimes that this is just an illusion, that even if one has always known where they wanted to be in the D/s dynamic that everyone has worries about whether they are “doing it right” or “will ever be good enough.” I think this is why many of us recoil from anything that sounds like rules for being a “twu” sub/slave/Dominant/Master. We know it’s ridiculous, but… If it’s true, we are afraid we will be measured and found wanting. We cling to the ideas that bring us more rather than less self-confidence.

Because many of us don’t have anyone to confer a cap upon us or a specific “age” when we’ve put in enough time to be considered “grown up,” we are having to decide for ourselves when we feel educated/confident enough to take up the moniker of Dominant. And perhaps we are all quaking in our genuine leather boots that someone will call us out on our “non-dominance.” Perhaps the reason we learn how to brag and posture is so that no one will doubt our mastery of ourselves.

I don’t really have a lot of answers. Maybe, like the wisdom of the Mystic, I wouldn’t have any idea what to do with the answers if I were given them. Right now, all I can really say is that I’m willing to go through the work and “ugly period” to get to the good stuff.

But some days, I just wish I could grow up a little bit faster…