Apparently the universe has been reminding us of lessons we have (or should have) learned long ago. This week I got what my former Master calls "an expensive lesson for a cheap price."
With more BDSM elements finding their way into the vanilla world, we are having some odd disconnects with things that in the lifestyle keep us safe but that don't have a vanilla counterpart yet. There is a goodly amount of porn that features rough sex and some humiliation. Now I have to say I find watching this hot. But the problem is if men and women are learning to have sex from this, they are missing some of the critical structures that we have in the lifestyle that are understood and agreed upon. For me, I see there being three very important ideas that are missing from the vanilla introduction into rough sex.
First up is the notion of consent. Most people in the vanilla world know you have to have someone's consent to have sex with them. But sometimes the lines blur about consent, as often people assume no direct dissent means consent. Or it's ok not to have verbal consent if you don't let things lag long enough for the other person to voice dissent.
The second important element is negotiation. In porn, we see actors engaging in behavior without seeing any discussion as to what is going to happen or what the limits are. We don't see it, but porn stars negotiate what acts they will and won't do and the pay that is to be given for each act. They have already (theoretically) negotiated.
From the consumer side, however, all we see are two people meeting up and having "spontaneous" sex. They engage in sex acts that don't require permission and move from one type of sex fluidly into another. There are no stops for further negotiation. And even though we know in the back of our minds that things are consensual, in some of the rougher videos we hear dialogue that sounds anything but...
I think there are now generations where people feel like a form of consensual non-consent is supposed to happen related to the sex act. By this I mean if you go to the dorm room with someone you have implied consent for whatever happens, or if you get in a car with someone, again, implied consent. You put yourself in a situation where you obviously wanted sex. So you must want everything that happens. And once you are involved in foreplay, you have consented to go wherever the other person wants to take you. You both can employ all of the rough sex visuals you have learned (both male and female here)and you are doing "what is normal."
But did you really want to do everything you saw in the video? Is face slapping ok? Rough anal? Verbal humiliation? And what happens if you want half of that but not all of that? There is a huge amount of cognitive dissonance going on when you are enjoying and want half of it but not all of it.
But I think that the final and most important thing that we have here in the BDSM world is the safeword. Granted there are predators and unethical people in the lifestyle who will disregard a safeword. But for the most part, everyone is committed to the idea of a safeword and it's ability to slice through whatever else is in play to stop a scene. We are able to relax into edge play activities because we know that in the end we have control over what we are doing and having done to us.
Theoretically the safeword in vanilla sex is "no." But there is a sense that you aren't supposed to say no when you are in the middle of things. You aren't supposed to bring the sexy time to a halt if you've been enjoying things up until this point. And sometimes it's easier to go along with something you don't really want than deal with the imagined repercussions of stopping things. The notion of implied consent is strong.
Add to this the problem of introducing non-negotiated acts, where the other person is just going with the perceived flow of things. It's hard to hear no when the person's face is buried in a pillow or you have your hand over their mouth. And obviously it's hard to say it. It's hard to know when you've crossed a line.
Although it's easier to see this sort of thing happening to whomever it is on "the bottom," I think there are also pressures on the "top" to perform or continue, even if the person discovers in the middle of a sex act that the action is distasteful or damaging to them. It may look sexy to slap a person in the face, but what happens if that action brings up things inside you that you just don't have a framework to deal with?
I'm not saying that this doesn't happen in BDSM relationships. But it is the idea that we try and limit these sorts of misunderstandings as much as possible. We have support networks to talk about what happens to us in a scene gone wrong. We are highly aware of all the things that can go wrong (or we should be), and we have consented to some acts and put limits on others.
I think it's important to educate the vanilla world in some ways if we are luring them down the dark rabbit hole to kinky sex. We need to encourage people not to be afraid to talk about what sorts of things they might like or not like BEFORE they are engaging in "deviant sexual acts."
And finally, we need to de-stigmatize stopping a sexual encounter in the middle if things are going on which are not desired/consensual. We in the lifestyle have made a commitment to the idea of a safeword. It is our honor that is on the line if we don't support this idea, and our honor means something to us. But those in the vanilla world have not made the same commitments we have. They don't quite yet understand how to handle the darker sides of sex, even if they are engaging in it.
It may not have yet become clear to the vanilla world that no matter what something looks like, the difference between rape and rough, consensual sex are these three elements. The difference in the world of kink between edgy foreplay and assault is the ability to say a word and make it all stop, even if that word is never uttered.
If we are going to share our lovely, dangerous vices with the curious vanilla world, we have a responsibility to also share our safety nets.
And if you think it's not your responsibility to do so, you might want to reconsider. After all, just because you're kinky doesn't mean you automatically consent to a person doing something to you just because it's on your fetish list. Making the world a safer place is everyone's responsibility.
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