Fantasy and Fallibility

Failure isn't sexy. Self-doubt is contagious. The ideal always seems better than flawed reality.

In a lifestyle where you can literally be staking your life on your ability to choose play partners, it is understandable that we would all want to choose someone who oozes confidence and has a spotless track record. We want to know that we are safe and that the Top/Dominant/Master can take us where we want to go. We are automatically drawn to those who beat their chests and proclaim their perfection as Mega-Master; confidence breeds confidence.

The only problem is that most Dominants do not spring from Zues's head fully formed. By this I mean that even if one starts out knowing that one is a Dominant, he or she doesn't automatically have the talent and skill level that he/she will one day attain. Dominants must have a way to learn, to practice, and to eventually achieve proficiency (and one day, Mastery). In order for them to get to that point, however, they eventually need to have other people (bottoms/slaves/submissives) who are willing to allow them to practice and try things out, and are willing to have them fail while doing so.

Granted there are ways of minimizing risks while learning in play. But at some point, there needs to be a living being on the other side of the equation for it to be ultimately successful. And with "soft skills," it's always theory until you have relationships in which to put things into practice.

The Lifestyle engenders a lot of swaggering on the part of Dominants because, like any mating call, submissives might not want to be with you if they think you are fallible. So you build a facade of power, splash yourself liberally with some leather-scented pheromones, and start shouting loudly about how awesome is your Dominance. And it works. Why? Because who wouldn't want to be with someone who's perfect?

I imagine this is also why there are a smaller number of Dominants who publicly discuss their path of learning. And I understand that it's not always helpful to hear the 100 ways a Dominant has failed--it's hard to build a strong house on a foundation of failures. But this keeping of our learning curves behind closed doors for the sake of our ego and of our future ability to attract play partners (etc.) does not do anything to help our community with their learning curves.

I know that the best way to learn is probably with a phenomenal Master as a mentor. However, especially if you live in the middle of B.F.E., it's hard to find that mentor figure. You are stuck with what there is to read, watch, and then... what you learn from finding a brave partner willing to let you try things out on them.

And you will fail. Things will go wrong. You will not be as graceful or fierce as you wanted to be. The scene is not good. And you take notes, and you fix things, and you learn.

But what I'd like to say today is that although we go through this state of falling and getting back on the horse, it is not necessarily useful to always look at what is wrong for longer than it takes to learn from it. We all have the tendency to fixate on our faults. But what happens then is that our confidence starts to erode. And our confidence is a necessary factor not only in being attractive to partners, but also to be successful in the things we attempt the next time.

Where focus goes, energy flows. When we focus overly on our weakness, we "invest" in the weakness in ourselves. This is not to say we should be unaware of our faults or try to address our rough spots, but that we cannot make positive progress when that is our major focus.

I have been thinking of this Marianne Williamson quote of late:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."

We have a deep and intrinsic desire to be our highest and most powerful selves (no matter what side of the slash we fall on). But we also have a fear of becoming that. Who would we be? What would it mean? How would others see us if we were REALLY amazing, as opposed to using a facade of amazing to hide our fear and our shortcomings?

I have been struggling to refocus myself, to focus my energy on my strength and becoming closer to me ideal self rather than breaking myself down. I want to point the rudder of my ship toward the unknown shore where fantasy becomes real, is real. But it's hard. And I need practice. And I need to re-calibrate when I go off course, but not focus on the incorrect heading lest I subconsciously drift toward those rocky bluffs.

So that's where I'm at today. We'll see where my ship finds itself tomorrow...