Deference

Deference: (noun) Humble submission and respect.


When we are young, we are by default made to give deference to the wishes of others. As we get into the ages where "no" becomes our favorite word, we attempt to impose our own will on the world and the adult rule-makers in our lives. For some of us, that attempt at freedom is successful and we "get our way." For others, the attempt is thwarted and we fall into line with the wishes of others due to fear of reprisal/punishment or promised reward.

When we reach our teens, we often have this power struggle again. Perhaps the parents who have been giving in decide our behavior isn't cute any more and should be punished, or suddenly needs to be controlled. Or perhaps we have been living under an iron thumb and want to be released from that oppression. Again, we may be successful or unsuccessful in our attempts.

When we become adults ourselves, the idea is that we have been given the freedom to make decisions slowly over time giving deference to our own council. The idea is to learn from our mistakes in a safe environment so that by the time we are making all of our own decisions, we will be making reasonably good ones with less chance of catastrophic risk.

Anyone who has been around new college students can attest to the fact that there are a great number who do not seem very well equipped to handle adult freedoms. However many colleges are also set up to have a safety net for problematic decision making on the part of its student body.

In the BDSM Lifestyle, we are often asked to decide who we give our deference to, under what circumstances, and for what periods of time to offer that deference. We think about giving deference to our elders (vanilla and kinky), whether they have really earned our respect or not. It is thought to be polite to give deference to elders unless they show that they are not worthy of that deference.

Those who are looking to have D/s or M/s relationships also have to ask themselves who they want to serve or be served by. In the power exchange, we are either giving deference to someone else's decision making and His/Her authority (and we negotiate what those parameters are) or receiving the responsibility to make decisions for or being the authority figure for someone else. We knowingly choose to submit to the will of others or to have others submit to our will.

I have spent many years in the posture of submission. I am now exploring my Dominance in the world, though I am and will always be in service to the Universe. When I surrendered to that call, it actually gave me the strength and understanding concerning how important it is to listen to not only its council but also to my own.

HOWEVER, listening to one's own council and making decisions from that may be harder than we might think at first. I believe that deferring to oneself and having the confidence to continue that deference is like exercising a muscle that sometimes becomes atrophied. Let me give you a really rudimentary example.

I had a moment one day when I was at a sandwich shop. I had ordered lunch and the woman behind the counter asked me if I wanted it to eat there or "to go." I hadn't decided yet and didn't have strong feelings either way, so the words "either one" slipped out of my mouth. It didn't take me long to realize this was actually kind of a dick move. The woman had not asked to be responsible for my decisions, it placed another bit of business on her that wasn't really her job, and she didn't really know me to know what would be a better choice for me if I abdicated the decision making. She would have to make the decision if I decided not to (non-consentual responsibility) and I would be left with needing to just accept whatever she decided, even if it didn't really turn out to be what I might prefer.

At this realization, I told her I had decided to "dine in," and I took my sandwich to a table and explored the epiphany I had just triggered.

If I want my life to be the way I imagine it could be, I must either make the decisions to get there, or I must place myself in the hands of someone who will make the decisions for me who will either get me where I want to go or who will take me where they want to go and I will (hopefully) be happy with that. If I don't actively choose, I will either have to be happy with whatever might blow my way or be ok with anybody who happens along making my choices for me.

As the Rush song says, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

This is not to say that those who serve are at all lacking in strong will. I understand that it is an act which can take tremendous strength to submit or defer to someone else. That act of submission, when it is thoughtfully and purposefully done, is exercising the muscle of deference. It merely chooses a different person as a focus as opposed to oneself.

But I think there are many of us who go through life without exercising our choice, our ability to decide to whom we will defer. We are told we must defer to our lawmakers, our elders, the desires of our peer groups, the evening news, our religious leaders, our parents, our bosses... the list goes on. We become weak in our choosing. We take what we are given. We stop believing we can have lives like we want them to be, so we stop trying to create them...

I really don't care what side of the slash you decide to live on. I just want all of us to actively make choices about our lives.

If you serve, choose who you will serve and don't just take anybody who wants the job. Value yourself and your ability to choose, even if it is just making a good decision on who will best "serve you" and your life/dreams in return if you give them authority over you.

If you are a Dominant, choose what world you want to create and make decisions that further that. Don't expect your submissives/slaves to create a world for you without your vision.

If we don't know how to make good decisions, let's find a safe place to make some mistakes and get better. Let's exercise our muscles in giving meaningful deference to chosen, worthy others and to our deepest selves.

Forced deference or blase choice is hollow. Only when we give our submission or make choices with full understanding and free will can deference have any true meaning.