(Almost) Free Sex

Along with money, children, and religion, sex is one of the main reasons for couples breaking up.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs lists sex along with food, clothing, and shelter as a basic need. Without these basic needs being met, it can be hard for people to reach self-actualization (the apex of the pyramid). Granted, there are always cases where people become their fullest selves amidst poverty, war, strife, and deprivation, but it is usually the exception as opposed to the rule.

Sex becomes a subject we shouldn't talk about as adults but its sublimation ends up getting ugly and twisted in all sorts of venues.

However, it is something most everyone desires. We value physical touch, in many forms, but there is something that the joining of the body with another accomplishes that is an elevation from where we are as humans now to a different state. Or, at least, it can be.

Sex can be a tasty, sweaty workout. It can be fun. It can be naughty. It can be REALLY naughty. But it can also get "disempowered" by a lack of respect from those who engage in it.

I have to admit I have different opinions of sex than a lot of my counterparts. I have no problem with what might be called deviant sex. But I like the notion of bringing a type of reverence to the act that makes it a possible vehicle for deep connection with self and with others and with the divine. I like powerful sex.

What I've been thinking about recently is group sex. Now some people might write off that activity as morally corrupt or as far from divine as one can get. I would like to argue that group sex is only as devoid of the divine as those who are participating in it.

For instance, I have witnessed many scenes of incredibly hot sex between people where they were focused on their fellow participants, were bringing their energy and focus to bear upon what they were doing, and they were creating a positive experience for everyone involved. However, I have also seen people who look like they are going through a set of motions with as much connection and interest as one has when flossing one's teeth. This is as far away from the devotion to the goddess of love and passion as one can get.

A case in point is a story I heard from friends of mine in the swinger community where a man was getting a blow job from a very pretty girl. He reached out to stop a guy walking by and said, "Dude, do me a solid. Grab me a beer, would ya?"

This phrase of "do me a solid" is now an expression they use to describe someone who is totally rude and clueless and not really deserving the sexual attention of someone else.

It's harder perhaps to tell in the midst of something so apparently hedonistic as group sex to tell what is a healthy encounter and what isn't. I am not in the camp that says the only healthy sexual encounter is between two heterosexual monogamous people. I've seen deep sexual/emotional healing happen in a number of less than standard equations. But the question of what is "misuse" of sex in the more Buddhist frame is a question that is a little more complicated. We are not monks, but laypeople (pun intended) and so the notion of celibacy is not really applicable. But what is right use of the body in the matter of sex?

I really enjoyed Brad Warner's book, "Sex, Sin, and Zen," and would recommend it to anyone interested in those particular aspects. After you finish here, you can go check it out on amazon:)

What I think is the answer to the question of rightness is so very individual that it's difficult to see at a cursory glance. Here is a list of questions that I've been thinking about that a person might ask if they were trying to figure out if an activity was healthy for them.

1. Do I feel more lovable and valuable after the act? (this can be a double-edged sword, though it may sound positive at first; if we are getting validation from the act, we might need to at least look at this)
2. Do I feel more or less connected to my spiritual source? (or unchanged)
3. Did I do any harm physically/emotionally/spiritually to another with my action?
4. Did I do any harm physically/emotionally/spiritually to myself with my action?
5. Do I feel a lasting happiness after the act has passed or am I euphoric during the act and then beset by a lasting depression when the euphoria has ended?
6. Am I making harsh judgments about myself (consciously or subconsciously) about my moral character and punishing myself for those judgments accordingly? Even if my conscious mind feels that there is no reason to judge myself? (ie; my conscious mind does not endorse the moral system that I am judging myself by, though that does not abrogate the judgment as one might assume it would logically)
7. Am I making harsh judgments about others, even though I am interacting with them in a way which utilizes them for the fulfillment of my own desire?
8. Did I only partake in those actions that arose out of true desire, and not from any other pressures?
9. Was I in a state that I could make decisions and have consentual interactions?
10. Are my needs really getting met, or does the action just "appear" to be meeting my needs?
11. If I felt like there were a positive action that I could have taken to get my needs met, would I have opted for that instead of the action I took? (ie; instead of changing my life to truly get my needs met, am I settling for an action that is less than what I really need?)

It's possible that I could go on with this list, and perhaps people out there will have some others to add. The thing I like about this is that you could use these as a checklist for other actions, not just to make decisions regarding sex.

So as far as group sex goes, I think there can be a number of fairly toxic situations which arise within the hearts and minds of those participating. But I also know that for some people, the answer to these questions regarding group sex brings back nothing but positives.

What it comes back to for me is something that the Noble 8-fold Path (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path) might seem vague about. This is the notion of "right." For most of those who ask how one knows what is the right, I would answer that the notion of right has everything to do with an individual and their uniqueness as a being. This is not to say that there are not specific elements that one might say are "right" for the majority (or for all), but that there are as many answers for what is right as there are people.

If you are quiet in your mind, if you do the interior work and practice compassion for yourself and for others, you will come to understand what is right for you. The notion of enlightenment is clear vision, to see things as they actually are in a very deep way. It is in these moments of clarity that we see whether our action is right for us or is just us participating in an illusion.

To bring it back to the sex (since that's where we started), I think that the decision whether participating in any sexual encounter (no matter how "deviant") is healthy and a right action is solely to be answered by the person asking the question.

I am not God or the totality of the universe. I cannot look into your soul and know what the outcome of your action will be in time. I might guess, and I might be right (or horribly wrong). But I am not the one who decides. You are.

And, if we are all attempting to do our best to figure out what is our right path, we will be creating an amazing adventure for ourselves and for all others who exist. Whether we are having sex or not:)