Sometimes it's a very liberating thing to do to let go of caring about what other people think. I survived being a weird girl in a small town mainly because I was able to do this. I rejoice in the fact that I was able to at least express a portion of my oddness during my youth, though even then I was still holding some of ME back so as to allow myself to not have a horrific existence and to get along with my peers.
Right now I am trying to get back in touch with what I give a damn about, as some of the baby got thrown out with the bathwater. I care about how I look. I do have some semblance of pride in my appearance and desire to be sexy. I just don't care if I go out to Target in my sweatpants, which maybe is a mistake. But being in Los Angeles where super beautiful people surround you, you have to decide you are confident in your place on the visual food chain and just deal with it. It also takes a lot of energy to give a damn sometimes.
But here's where I am... I need to give it just a little more energy so that it shows in my life that I give a shit. However, what I chose to give a shit about and how I choose to show my care is up to me. I want a rockin body. I'd like to be healthy, and be able to outrun the undead should the zombie apocalypse actually come to fruition. I want to be able to bend over without things popping or impeding my breathing. I want to be pretty...
However, I also want to be able to express my own style and wild spirit that has at times been knocked out of me (by others) and at times been left by the wayside (by me) as I progressed through life. I have a creative, unique style, but I don't need to dress like all of the "unique" kids who shop at Hot Topic.
Related to the give-a-damn breaking, I know a lot of people (women mostly) who worry about their sexual number (ie; the amount of people they've slept with). I told a younger woman friend of mine that I had stopped counting a while back. It had been a preoccupation in my 20s, because I thought it was important not to get "too slutty," as if there were some magical number that made a woman slutty. I like the idea of giving sex the respect it deserves and making sure you are actually sleeping with people you are attracted to (I know that seems like a duh, but so many women sleep with others for a variety of reasons, often not because they are attracted to the person in question). I like being able to tell you the names of the people I've fucked. That's important to me.
However, I stopped giving a damn about the number. I realize there isn't really any person who gets to judge whether I'm a slut or not except me. Others can try, but it's really not their place and their opinion doesn't really matter to me. This might change if I meet someone I really care about and he (or she) is judgmental about my number. But I would hope that anyone who I really like is going to be happy for the awesome sexual skills I (hopefully) have picked up and not worry so much how far I had to travel to acquire them.
Like everything in my life right now, I'm looking for the balance. How and when to care and when not to care are important in a number of arenas. I just need to make sure that everything is decided on by what I think, as opposed to what other people (who I don't care about) think.
So today I'm happy I went to the gym and I'm thinking about picking up a funky sweater dress to wear while I look for another lucky person to be the next notch on my sexual belt. It might happen, it might not. But I really don't care if you approve or disapprove of my plans for my Friday night.
I just hope you've decided on your own plans and don't give a damn what I think.
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