Ravage

I just finished watching the first season of True Detective on HBO. It's a great show, and if you haven't watched it yet, you should. But that aside, what I wanted to focus on in this post is a specific scene between two characters. A sex scene. I'm not going to name them so there's no spoiler (this would be a big one). But what was interesting to me was that it's one of the few sex scenes in a while which has actually moved me, both in an emotional and a "hot and bothered" way. And that's saying something...

So what was it about this scene in particular that roused me? First, it was the pent up emotion and frustration that each of the characters had. By the time we reach this scene, both of them have a lot of need and desire in their life in general, and have been in a drought in regard to both emotional and sexual needs-fulfillment. They have both been brought to a place where, despite their objectives for it, they have a tremendous need for physical connection with one another.

And when they come together, there is such blatant/raw need and energy. It is palpable through the screen. And it isn't prettied up with soft lights or a grandiose musical score, there is no nudity, and it takes under a minute. But it's intense. And it's emotional for the viewer as well as the characters.

So the question is why is it so moving?

I think the first thing is our investment/transference with the characters and their emotions. We feel them, we identify with them in some ways (even if they are our much more interesting or fucked-up selves). We want them to be satisfied. And the needs that they have mirror needs of our own.

The second reason I think this scene is so compelling is that it taps into a desire we have for extreme passion in our relationships and our sexual encounters. We live in such a strange world where men and women (especially younger ones) are encouraged to have marathon sex, where everyone is concerned with how much time on the clock went by while we were doing the nasty. We measure our sexual prowess by how many positions we can master off the Kama Sutra. We try to count the orgasms. We want to look like porn stars, so we practice the faces and the ways and means of those we watch during our quality alone time. We talk about scratching itches. But with all the focus on the act and the physical, I believe we have ironically lost all that is primal and sensual about physical intimacy. And that last word... It implies knowing; it implies emotional closeness.

David Deida in his book Way of the Superior Man talks about the idea of "ravaging" your woman. Granted, this book is supposed to be for men, but I got a lot out of reading it as well. I think the gender roles and energy can apply to females as well, so don't let that stop you from reading it if you're a woman. But back to the point, the idea of ravaging was for a man to bring his entire energy and desire to the sexual act so that this fierce passion was a transformative force for his partner.

I think that what many of us are missing is that sense of ravishment, that we are wanted and desired to that level. We are missing the fierce passion, both in ourselves and our partner. We are missing it in our emotional intimacy and our sexual intimacy.

I don't mean to suggest that it is just a one-way street in this matter either. Many men I know want to feel that level of desire from their woman, want to receive the energy of that ravishment. They want that passion to hit them like an ocean wave and engulf them. This goes beyond a woman initiating sex. It is the desire that pounces like a tigress attacking her prey.

And no matter what your sexual orientation or relationship type, most people want to feel that level of passion in their lives.

I think it strikes something primal within us, as well as giving us the level of transformative energy that can bring us to a more spiritual ("of the spirit") union as well. If nothing else, it can bring us to a more juicy and deep way of living than perhaps we are at now. And I personally would like to see more of the passionate and "real" come back into our sex lives and our expectations about what might be fulfilling.

So for myself, I need to figure out how I can get my energy and my focus in place so I can go home tonight and ravish my man.

I'm pretty sure it will be worth the effort.