The Awkward, Pimply Adolescence of my Dominance

I can’t take credit for this metaphor. It was given to me by a very savvy slave who was attempting to help me express more clearly the place I found myself at on my journey. As soon as the phrase was uttered, however, I knew that this was the most succinct statement I had heard to-date to describe my growth from a submissive into a Dominant.

Although some people find their space in the kinky world and never shift from that position, I am thankful that there is a tradition to look to which espouses the notion of taking on each of the positions one might have in the D/s world with the theory that the best submissives/slaves make the best Dominants/Masters. I have found a bit of frustration, however, that there is not more written on the period in between. We see writings from the submissive/slave point of view regarding their journey. Heck, most people I know on that side of the slash have written a response to Slavecraft or “to my future Dominant” at some point in their lives. I also see lots of writings from Dominants and Masters as to where they are now and their expectations of themselves and those who serve them. But it is more rare (though not unheard of) to find a Master-in-the-making discussing the process as they are going through it…

This is similar to the frustration I found when looking to find the path of learning how to be a Mystic. You have the texts from the Mystics, and you study them, and if you’re lucky, you find someone to mentor you. But there aren’t all that many modern Mystics running around. There are all sorts of new age gurus who would love to let you cling to their yoga pants. There are any number of teachers who hang out in patchouli-scented occult stores who will be more than happy to tell you how you should find enlightenment while selling you a pentagram and a stylish cloak. But for the most part, I have found that there are a lot of “wanna-be” mystics out there and one is, for the most part, better off reading the texts from the Mystics of long ago.

I feel this way when looking at some Dominants and their writings as well. There are many people who call themselves Dominants or Masters in the lifestyle, but most of their writing is a regurgitation of something they heard someone else espouse, but that hasn’t really been practiced in their own life with any success. Occasionally it is only the stuff of spank fantasies, which although I’m as big of a fan as the next person, it isn’t really helpful if you are looking at implementing serious D/s in a 24/7 context into your life or becoming the type of person who is able to confidently claim their place in the kink world. I have been quietly listening to the handful of Dominants that make sense to me and I see being able to put their words into actions in their own lives. And I’ve been trying to read the books which have been written on the subject.

But so much of all of this is a part of the growth process that one has to experience for themselves to have it mean anything. As the saying goes, no one can eat your food for you. I guess what I’m saying is that it would be nice to hear more of the reassurance from Dominants/Masters that they did not spring from Zues’ head fully formed. That I am not alone in having this Jr. High stage of growth.

My voice is changing. It cracks a little when I spit out a command. It sounds a bit hesitant when it tries to claim a seat at the table where the more mature kids sit. It has the zits of puberty in the guise of half-formed flogging skills. The clothes and boots don’t look quite right because I haven’t “filled out” yet. I’m not cocky enough to inform the cute boy (or girl) at the locker next to me that they should get with me while they can because I’m pretty sure that in a couple years, I’m going to be one of the best rides ever. I want to be more self-sufficient, but I still need my Mom to drive me places. I haven’t mastered the mysteries of money and work, and maybe I’m a little more interested in play than in either of those. I can’t tell you to look at my track record to prove how good I am because the one I have isn’t long or impressive. I can ask you to trust me, but if you do, it’s because you’re brave and willing to take a risk not because of any evidence I can give you. My moods swing wildly with each perceived victory and crushing defeat.

There’s a part of me that wonders if this period will ever end… I cling to the notion that if I show up every day and go through the motions, and maybe work really hard on the stuff I enjoy, that I’ll pass and get to go to High School. However, I have been told by some of the smart Dominants I know that it’s not just putting time in/hanging out in the lifestyle that makes a really good D type. It takes skills and sweat and focus, and wanting it really, really badly. Or maybe just realizing that you can’t imagine a life without having that aspect working for you.

Just like in Jr. High, I find I am a wee bit jealous of those who have always known they were Dominants and never (seemingly) had any doubts as to who they were and what they were doing in the kink world. I am reminded sometimes that this is just an illusion, that even if one has always known where they wanted to be in the D/s dynamic that everyone has worries about whether they are “doing it right” or “will ever be good enough.” I think this is why many of us recoil from anything that sounds like rules for being a “twu” sub/slave/Dominant/Master. We know it’s ridiculous, but… If it’s true, we are afraid we will be measured and found wanting. We cling to the ideas that bring us more rather than less self-confidence.

Because many of us don’t have anyone to confer a cap upon us or a specific “age” when we’ve put in enough time to be considered “grown up,” we are having to decide for ourselves when we feel educated/confident enough to take up the moniker of Dominant. And perhaps we are all quaking in our genuine leather boots that someone will call us out on our “non-dominance.” Perhaps the reason we learn how to brag and posture is so that no one will doubt our mastery of ourselves.

I don’t really have a lot of answers. Maybe, like the wisdom of the Mystic, I wouldn’t have any idea what to do with the answers if I were given them. Right now, all I can really say is that I’m willing to go through the work and “ugly period” to get to the good stuff.

But some days, I just wish I could grow up a little bit faster…