Compersion and Loss

According to the Wikipedia (repository of all knowledge and wisdom:)

"Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion."

This was a term originally coined at a commune in San Francisco, but has become a buzz word in the polyamorous community. When people talk about it, they often say it is the opposite of jealousy. Most people talk about common pitfalls of poly coming from the jealous emotions regarding bruised egos ("aren't I enough for you?"), inequity in time allotment ("you spend more time with him than you do me!"), fear of loss, the view that love is a limited resource (which then breeds competition), and finally, the notion of possessiveness ("this is my toy and no one else should be able to play with it!").

While all of these are valid human emotions, there are some other issues that come up for me and those I know who actually practice poly as opposed to simply open relationships where physical intimacy might happen, but not emotional intimacy.

Suppose you're fine with the notion of sharing your significant other(s) (or perhaps pervy like me and excited about the notion). You may run into issues of time management and getting what you need, but all in all it's a positive situation.

But one day the relationship ends. Perhaps it's a fairly amicable ending, but an ending nonetheless. Much of mainstream media tells us that when a relationship ends that our response should be anger, blame, and vilification of the the other. We are also never supposed to see them again, unless we bump into them accidentally.

I really hate to lose people out of my life that I love. Just because we aren't together, doesn't mean I don't love them and want them to have a wonderful life in the future. But I would like to see them in some capacity, most especially as a friend. I have had several relationships where the person in my life decided to go into a monogamous relationship and their significant other forbade them from seeing me. This was exceptionally painful, especially since I had no way to convince the new significant other that I had only good wishes for them in their new relationship.

But there are also times when the separation is so painful that just to see the other person hurts us in a deep way. And even though we wish the best for them, it is too hard to see it happen in front of our eyes.

Sometimes this is because we have invested so much in them, and to see them with another person to the exclusion of us brings up some feelings of perhaps being used or on the flip side, no longer needed (no longer of use in a positive sense) and it has been important to us to be needed by them in the past.

I have been thinking lately of this quote by Rilke: "“We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it.”

Sometimes we need to let someone totally go, to let them slip out of our lives for their highest good. We can only provide closure for ourselves, and find it in our heart to pray for their well-being.

At other times, we can remain a part of their lives and not have our former status as a lover impinge on their new lives. We can love them, and not be a "lover" in the sense of a sexual or more emotionally intimate partner. In this case, we need to learn how to change the parameters of our expectations, manage our feelings so our actions are now appropriate, and practice non-attachment to outcomes. Or if you want something slightly more modern, the song by 38 Special also works: "Hold on loosely, but don't let go."

Part of the problem is figuring out what is the highest good for everyone involved. And if the highest good for the person you love involves letting them go, then ethically you must do so. If you really love them, that is...

If you're going to love them only as far as they can give you back things (love, sex, submission/dominance, money, excitement, social integration), then you probably don't really love them. You _______ them, but you don't really love them.

This is like the parent who suffocates their child in the name of love. Is it loving or is it psychosis labeled as love?

So all I am saying today is that part of compersion, besides providing all sorts of love, sex, and comfort in one's life, also sets us up for loss. And if we are truly going to practice compersion, we need to not just be ok with, but embrace the notion of loss.